Only a few weeks ago, we were talking about a box-office slump and Hollywood’s worst Memorial Day Weekend in 17 years.  Turns out all it takes is a 3D Pixar movie to reverse that trend, as Toy Story 3 carried the cumulative box office to its highest third weekend in June ever, up 29% over the same weekend last year. (Full top 10 after the jump).

Toy Story 3 grossed an estimated $109, the highest-grossing weekend of a Pixar picture yet (aided by premium 3D pricing, of course), followed by Karate Kid, A-Team, and Get Him to the Greek, all of which fell less than 50% from the previous weekend.  Pretty much every film did well this weekend.  Oh, except for Jonah Hex, which managed to earn less in its opening weekend than Killers did in its third.  Yep, that’s the Ashton Kutcher-Katherine Heigl joint that didn’t screen for critics.  Turns out, movie fans may be stupid, but not so stupid that you can stick a hastily-cobbled together, 72-minute comic-book hack job up against Pixar and expect it to make money.  Hey, where are all those semi-annual “Critics Don’t Matter” articles now?  People heard it sucked and they stayed away.  THAT’S RIGHT, PRETTY BOY, CRITICS ARE IMPORTANT TOO! WOOHOO!

(*high fives cat, puts Ace bandage on wrist, puffs inhaler*)

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If not putting your whole hand in your pocket is cool, Bieber and Jaden are Davis and Coltrane.

Precious, booger-lipped wiener kids everywhere breathed a sigh of relief into their gilded inhalers this week as Jaden Smith proved that children of celebrities can succeed, so long as their parents buy them Jackie Chan.  Or, to put it in plain English, The Karate Kid earned $56 six million godd*mned dollars this week.  If you vote with your pocketbook, the American moviegoer overwhelmingly checked the box next to “I hate Jesus, America, puppies, and ice cream.”

While Karate Kid was making twice what the studio had predicted, The A-Team underperformed almost as much.  It earned $26 million for the weekend, which, in and of itself isn’t horrible, but as Deadline says:

That’s embarrassing for what was supposed to be the start of another franchise and a nailbiter between the two opening movies. It turned out not even close. ”A pretty spectacular win,” one Sony exec exulted. “Not even Jerry Weintraub predicted that.”

Man, who would’ve thought a crappy-TV-show-based film that went through eleven screenwriters wouldn’t be a huge hit, huh?  I tell you, it’s a strange time to be alive.  Hey, assh*les, even McDonald’s had to make sure people liked their burgers before they started thinking franchise.  But let’s not let the A-Team detract from the real news: the era of celeb karaoke has officially upon us.  Thanks, Will and Jaden Smith, you’ve ruined everything for everyone.  I can’t wait until Tom Hanks’ kid gets to be a movie star now.  …Wait, what?  Aw crap.

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It would’ve been virtually impossible to predict, but as it turns out, a weekend that opened with a fourth Shrek, a second Sex and the City, and a pastiche of tired Jerry Bruckheimer clichés didn’t exactly light people’s c*cks on fire.  In terms of attendance, it was the worst Memorial Day weekend since 1993, which of course opened with Pluto Nash Forever After.

Overall revenues for the top-50 films during the four-day holiday weekend came in at $192 million, the lowest since 2001. Factoring in today’s higher admission prices, about 24.2 million tickets were sold, the least since a 22.5 million head count in 1993.

Jake Gyllenhaal’s action tale “Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time” came in second with $37.8 million. Sarah Jessica Parker’s “Sex and the City 2,” which many thought would debut at No. 1, wound up in third with $36.8 million.

“When you have a Memorial Day weekend down this much, it just tells me the movies in the marketplace are just not grabbing people the way they have in past years,” said Paul Dergarabedian, box-office analyst for Hollywood.com.  [AP]

Wow, that’s a bold statement, Paul.  Good thing we have a “box-office analyst” to clear things up for us.  Lower attendance = less interest from the marketplace?  Who knew!  I would’ve thought lower attendance = sandwich.  Mmm, sandwich. ANYWAY, the silver lining in all this is that the flaccid sequel showings so far could softify Hollywood’s formerly stiff boner for superfluous sequels.  Penis.

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(Pictured: The kind of neutered pussy offspring you can expect if you dragged your neutered pussy boyfriend to see Valentine’s Day with you.  Aw, isn’t that an adorable hat.)

The estimates for the four-day President’s Day weekend are in, and Valentine’s Day (عيد الحب), Garry Marshall’s Al-Qaeda recruitment tape, did even better than expected, earning $66 million and breaking the President’s Day box-office record by $14 million.  That’s a lot of new suicide bombers!

“Valentine’s” opened bigger than any previous pic bowing over Presidents Day or Valentine’s Day weekends and provided personal bests for director Garry Marshall and many cast members, including Julia Roberts, Bradley Cooper and Jamie Foxx.

“We knocked it out of the park this time,” Warners distribution boss [Sheikh] Dan [Al-]Fellman said.  Adding, “Allahu Akbar! Ulululululululu!” [THR]

The previous President’s Day record holder?  Ghost Rider, starring Nic Cage.  So clearly this milestone is an indicator of quality.  Seems like I can barely go five minutes without someone bringing up Ghost Rider, or saying how Ghost Rider is the best movie ever made, or saying that if they were stranded on a desert island and could only have one movie for the rest of their lives, that it’d be Ghost Rider, and that they’d happily move to a deserted island if they could only watch Ghost Rider over and over again.
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(“Yo, girl, wanna see me karate kick this board in half?  Cause I would.  For you.”)

In a surprise move, Avatar‘s seven-week reign at the top of the box office was finally stopped by Dear John, the heartwarming Nicholas Sparks tale of love between a pretty young Mormon and a mumbly wigger.

“Dear John: I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re not like the other boys at Bible college.  Every night I thank Jesus for making Sheena drag me to that male strip club where you were working.  Yours in Christ, Sugar plum.” [covered with perfume and glitter]

“Yo, da feelin mutual, you hella smoove.  You str8-up complete me, gurl. Holla atcha boy, C-Tatez.” [banana hammock enclosed]

If you’ll remember, The Dark Knight was on top for four weeks before being stopped by Tropic Thunder.  If it seems more fitting to be stopped by another summer blockbuster, that’s because Dark Knight opened in July, whereas Avatar‘s run took it into the traditional January/February crappy-movie dumping ground.   But of course, don’t cry for Avatar, which has now earned $630 million domestic, and $2.2 billion worldwide, and took the highest-grossing eighth weekend ever, edging out Titanic.  Titanic‘s three-month run at the top in 1998 was eventually ended by the Joey-from-Friends-toplined Lost in Space, which is the only reason anyone would ever bring up 1998′s Lost in Space.  It’s unclear whether the same fate awaits Dear John, but at the very least, its existence guarantees it’ll be easier to fall asleep on your next plane flight in a few months.

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