AT YOUR FACE!

The latest, most 3D-est installment of the Resident Evil franchise (having seen the trailer five or six times now, I believe it’s called “Resident Evil: Throwing Stuff At Your Face!”) was the only major release of the weekend, and it topped the box office with $27.7 million, according to early estimates.  That was enough reason to spawn a fifth sequel, according to star and wife of the director Milla Jovovich.  Oh joy, I can’t wait. However, considering the latest installment was actually the worst of the franchise in terms of attendance, they may need a new gimmick.

In terms of estimated attendance, Afterlife likely ranked last and slightly behind the first movie: Afterlife only seemed more popular due to general ticket price inflation and the movie’s premium for the 3D illusion. 2,062 venues showed the picture in regular 3D, while it ran in IMAX 3D at another 141 venues (Distributor Sony Pictures claims that an accurate 3D breakdown won’t be available until Monday). [BoxofficeMojo]

Maybe make the next one in Smell-o-vision?  Just throwing out ideas here.  Anyway, I didn’t see the flick, which looked like it might be fun in a really dumb way and didn’t screen for press, but the New York Times did, writing:

“When I first got the script, I thought it was a practical joke,” star Wentworth Miller says in the film’s press notes. He’s probably not the only one.

Heyo! That sounds like a zomBURN to me! (*toilet flush sound effect, fog horn*) Slow and go out there this morning, people, look out for brake lights.  Of course, this being the New York Times, they also wrote:

Cannibalizing John Carpenter’s “Thing” and much of the sci-fi-horror canon, “Afterlife” is more moribund than its thronging undead.

DOUBLE ZOMBURN!  Aw, sheeit, moribund undead be throngin’, y’all.

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Overall, this weekend’s box office was down 28% from the same weekend last year, and I hope the conclusion film execs draw from this is “hey, maybe we should make better movies.”  Consider that the top seven films consisted of: the third sequel to a kid’s movie, another sequel, a rip off of at least five other films from the last five years starring Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl, a movie based on a video game, a sequel to a movie based on a TV show based on a book, a movie based on an unfunny one-frame comic strip, and a sequel to a movie based on a comic book, respectively.  Er, disrespectively.

The specifics (full top ten after the jump): Shrek Forever After landed on top for the second weekend in a row with $25.3 million.  Get Him to the Greek did decent business at $17.4 million (I saw it, it wasn’t life-changing, but pretty funny), Killers landed just behind that, followed by Prince of Persia and SATC 2, which both suffered big, 50%+ drops from their first weekend.  Marmaduke opened all the way down at number six, with just $11.6 million, which is a nice bit of schadenfreude, but not quite justice.  I don’t think it’s hyperbole to say that whoever greenlit Marmaduke movie deserves to be homeless.  Ahh, but it wouldn’t be Box Office Wrap Up without some asinine, faux-scientific analysis.  How say you, BoxOfficeMojo?

Killers, wasn’t a disaster with an estimated $16.1 million on close to 3,300 screens at 2,859 venues, but it was less than the last two comparable movies The Bounty Hunter ($20.7 million) and Date Night ($25.2 million). While Killers was a commercial step backwards for lead actors Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher, it did speak to their bankability, considering that they were pretty much the only things going for the movie. Other than the use of the Talking Heads’ “Psycho Killer,” Killers‘ advertising campaign was a nondescript blur and only conveyed that Kutcher’s character turns out to be a spy, followed by unexplained action. Killers was further hampered by its title: there was a dissonance between what the generic name “Killers” means and the marriage action-comedy presented in which only Kutcher is a killer.

So… it did less business than The Bounty Hunter and that somehow “speaks to the bankability” of Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher? How do you figure?  And of al the things wrong with that movie, you’re gonna bring up the f*cking title?  Well allow me to present a much more reasoned, thorough analysis. It’s a picture of a walrus blowing itself.

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Putting aside my bias because I liked it (though I can see why some people didn’t), the general consensus was that Kick-Ass would win the weekend and make $30 million or so.  Early estimates (final numbers come out tomorrow) have it earning $19.75, trailing How to Train Your Dragon by $250,000, which, though not a flop, would make it a moderate disappointment, like having a son who grows up to be a movie blogger.  I’d be inclined to blame illegal immigrants and the Dutch for this disappointment, but for a true phony explanation of this box-office misforecast, I turn to Brandon Grey of BoxOfficeMojo:

Kick-Ass didn’t bust out of its unpopular superhero comedy confines nor did it match its hype, but it nonetheless delivered one of the highest-grossing starts ever for its sub-genre.

Shackled by its unappealing subject matter, Kick-Ass packed a not-so-walloping estimated $19.8 million on approximately 4,300 screens at 3,065 locations. The Incredibles holds the record for superhero comedies and is the only truly successful one, but, among live-action entries, Kick-Ass boasted the biggest debut. Mystery Men was the previous high with $10 million (or over $15 million adjusted for ticket price inflation), showing how little interest the sub-genre has stirred in the past.

Kick-Ass’s turn-out was closer to the other violent action movie from April 16, 2004: The Punisher. That’s because the Kick-Ass machine rammed outrageousness, colorfully vicious action and self-referential humor down people’s throats but lacked purpose and story. It was true to its sensory-bound but nondescript title. Furthermore, while some spoofs work, people aren’t as eager to see heroes torn down. Watchmen and television series Heroes alienated viewers with such themes, so a movie brazenly dissing heroes like Kick-Ass was only going to go so far.

So there you have it, folks.  Before you release a movie, you should check with Brandon Grey about what “sub-genre” it falls into and he can tell you whether you should change the theme so as not to alienate viewers.  He does it all on his specially-made, box-office calculator watch.  It’s impressive, really.  “Hmm, I don’t know, this title is too sensory-bound,” he’ll say, while thoughtfully spreading cheese on a Handi Snak.

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After a record-breaking opening weekend, Tim Burton’s aggressively mediocre Alice in Wonderland movie held fairly strong and cleaned up for a second week in a row, while pretty much everything else crapped the bed.  And thank God.  I don’t think I could live in a world where Paul Blart is a hit AND She’s Out of My League is a success. The war is over, Jay Baruchel, the moodles lost.

Green Zone opened a distant second, probably because…  honestly, I’m just going to stop writing this post now.  Does anyone care about any of the boring-ass movies that played this weekend?  The most interesting thing about any of them is Remember Me‘s Secret Dwarf Hooker ending, and no way I’m sitting through 90 minutes of a RPattz acting like a whiny emo douche just to see that.

“What are you undecided about?”

“Everything.”

Go f*ck yourself.

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(“Jeez, Leanahdo, didjou just faht?”  “Dat’s right.”)

Shutter Island landed atop the box office for the second week in a row with $22.2 million, a modest drop of 44% from its first weekend — the big question was whether it’d perform like a horror movie, which usually drop like a rock the second weekend.  The answer seems to be no.  Said Mark Ruffalo, “Hey Leanahdo, somthin about this island seems queah.”  “You’re right, Mahk, an I’m gonna get to da bawtum of it.  GO SAWX!”

Meanwhile, Kevin Smith, fresh off more flops than your mom’s fat titties (Zack & Miri, Jersey Girl) had his highest-grossing opening ever with Cop Out earning $18.6 million (despite largely negative reviews).  And to think, all they had to do was just not mention it was a Kevin Smith movie or let him do press or use his name in the marketing material at all.

The Crazies earned decent money with $16 million in its first weekend, and even more surprisingly, got pretty good reviews.  It’s exciting because maybe now, people can finally start making zombie movies.  They hardly ever get made and they’re always so… uh… good.  And totally not boring. *pulls crossed fingers out of ass*

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