Due to its awful shaky cam action sequences, Quantum of Solace has often been compared to the Bourne movies, a comparison which Matt Damon apparently doesn’t take too kindly to.  From a recent US Weekly interview:

“They could never make a James Bond movie like any of the Bourne films,” Damon said. “Because Bond is an imperialist, misogynist sociopath who goes around bedding women and swilling martinis and killing people. He’s repulsive.”

Whoa, whoa, settle down, dude.  We wouldn’t have brought it up if we’d known you were gonna get all Women’s-Studies-Professor on us, put your tampon back in.  I mean, Bond may like to drink and have casual sex and kill foreigners, but… wait, what was that other thing you said?

Universal recently made a deal with author Robert Ludlum’s estate for the exclusive rights to the Jason Bourne character and first look rights for any other Ludlum novels.

After the first three films grossed a total of more than $1 billion worldwide, U signed Matt Damon and director Paul Greengrass for a fourth Bourne film that George Nolfi is penning.  …The film will be readied for a summer 2010 release. [Variety]

Flame me all you want, but I saw Quantum of Solace over the weekend, and it was exactly what I was afraid of when they hired the stunt coordinator from Bourne: a bunch of blurry, shakey, incomprehensible action sequences.  GARBAGE.  This is THE WORST trend in movies out there right now.  It doesn’t make it exciting to cut together a bunch of blurry whatsits like a hand shifting gears or a foot on the gas pedal.  Action movies are in the details.  If you just cut together a bunch of crazy closeups super fast and then end on a slow-mo of the good guy getting away or the bad guy dying, it’s insulting to the audience.  It’s like telling us we’re on a need-to-know basis with the movie we’re watching.  If you’re going to make it totally ambiguous as to how things happen, you might as well just cut to black and put up a title card that says “he got away.”  Also, it’s half-assed.  F-cking choreograph that shit you lazy motherf-ckers.

It’s not “gritty realism” either.  The action in, say, Michael Mann movies or Training Day is infinitely more effective because it impresses upon you the gravity of violence by actually making you watch it.  Kooky idea, right?  It doesn’t create fake tension through cheesy editing and spastic camera work.  F-CK SHAKEY CAM BULLSHIT.  …In conclusion, I will be switching to decaf from here on out.

Jack Black has signed on to star in a comedic take on The Bourne Identity to be written by a couple of the writers on Kung Fu Panda.

In a sort of comedic “The Bourne Identity,” the live-action film centers on Black as an American who finds himself washed up on the shores of Cuba with no idea of who he is and how he got there. He comes to the conclusion that he must be a superspy, which is far from the truth.

Universal picked up the project as a pitch in a seven-figure deal.

SEVEN FIGURES.  That’s at least a million dollars for going, “Hey, what if Jason Bourne thought he was a superspy… but he wasn’t!“  They changed one goddamn plot element.  Here, I got one:  Hey, what if… Dane Cook… has to go on a date… with a rapping chihuahua!  Gimme gimme gimme gimme

Diablo Cody Parody – Hey, I think they’re trying to make Diablo Cody seem annoying by making their parody really annoying.  Great work! (video after jump, in case the link doesn’t work)

Whoopi Cries – The View chicks complain about Whoopi’s exclusion from the hosts compilation segment of the Oscars and suck her ass for like 10 minutes until she cries.  I cried too, but only because I’m sad someone as stupid as Sherri Shephard has a job.  (Notice that when Whoopi asks her if she thinks the world is flat, she actually has to pantomime “flat”) 

Zombie Plagiarism – George Romero’s company is suing Capcom for Dead Rising, an Xbox 360 game they say is too much like Dawn of the Dead.  If zombies are suddenly subject to plagiarism laws, this will be the first of roughly fifteen hundred billion suits. 

Transporter Becomes Trilogy – “Moy naime ees Chev Chelios an todoy’s da doy oy doy."  Wrong movie?  Oh. I still don’t care. 

Bourne Identity Becomes a Fourlogy – There were only three books, and director Paul Greengrass and star Matt Damon both promised there would only be three movies.  Damon even said jokingly that a fourth would have to be called The Bourne Redundancy.  But then a producer said, “Here’s ten million dollars, now bark like dog, faggot!”  and so he did. 

Some of the big winners at last night’s Are You F*cking Serious?! People’s Choice Awards:

Female TV star: Katherine Heigl
Reality show: "Dancing With the Stars"
Leading lady [?!?]: Drew Barrymore
Female action star: Keira Knightley
Movie: "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End"
"Threequel": "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End"
Pop song: Justin Timberlake, "What Goes Around … Comes Around" [Editor's note: Good thing you put those ellipses there, JT, you caught me hella off guard LOL!]
Funny male: Robin Williams

At the risk of sounding like an elitist, everyone with a vote on this diseased carnival of abortion is an inbred monkey who should be euthanized for the good of the species (I’d say sterilized but these people practically sweat children). 

Actually, that was harsh.  We should keep about 50 of them around so that they can keep making Cheaters. (Full List of Categories and Nominees after the jump)

Favorite Beverage: Sunny Delight, Kool Aid, Mountain Dew, Coors
Favorite Author: Dan Brown, John Grisham, Donald Trump, Jesus
Favorite Birth Control Method: Condoms, Saran Wrap, Mountain Dew, Anal