The trailer for The Bourne Legacy, the fourth movie of the Bourne series with new star Jeremy Renner and new director Tony Gilroy (Michael Clayton, Duplicity), appears below. It’s still called “Bourne,” but Renner plays a new punchy amnesia guy named Aaron Cross (not an unacknowledged actor switcharoo a la Bewitched). If you’re anything like Burnsy, you’re probably super duper excited right now. If you’re like me, you’re probably thinking “More like BORED legacy, am I right?” Seriously though, these movies are like Phil Collins’ keynote address at an oatmeal convention, and they’ve made four of them. I liked the secret-agent-with-amnesia plot better when it was called The Long Kiss Goodnight.

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The newest trailer for The Iron Lady was just released today, and HOLY HELL, this is a joke, right? Tell me this is a parody of boring biopics. I got five seconds in. FIVE SECONDS, before I wanted to puke. Right from the first words of the very first voiceover set to tinkly piano music and grey flashback b-roll.

“I will never be one of those women who stays silent on the arm of her husband! One’s life must matter, Dennis!”

“That’s why I want to marry you, my dear.”

NO ONE ON EARTH HAS EVER TALKED LIKE THAT. EVER. Not even in England do people wax poetic about “one’s life” when they talk to their boyfriends, and dramatically punctuate their statements with the person’s name. In real life, people don’t constantly say each other’s names unless they’re on walkie-talkies. Stop doing that.

‘She was an outsider. She was a rebel.’

MARGARET THATCHER?!?! We’re still talking about Margaret f*cking Thatcher here, right? Because for a second there, I kept expecting someone to screech up in the General Lee.

“With all duuuue respect, sir, I HAVE done battle. Ev-ray SINGLE day of my life.”

OH SNAP, SON! SHE BEEN STRANGLIN’ PATRIARCHAL OPPRESSION WITH HER PEARLS AND DROWNING GENDER ROLES IN HEAPS OF PANT SUITS, YOU BETTER ASK SOMEBOOOODDAAAAAY…

Let me see if I can summarize: A childhood dream, a physical challenge, a lifelong friendship, war, redemption… Yep, that’s every dramatic beat of every boring biopic ever. Only this one’s not about Johnny Cash, it’s about MARGARET THATCHER. And the big climactic war is THE F*CKING FALKLANDS (sorry, Argentino, I mean the Malvinas). This is not a movie, it’s a model train. Weinstein seriously moved this to December thinking it’s going to win awards? Because this looks like the Daredevil of biopics. I would rather watch the new Three Stooges movie six times than this.

Here’s the trailer for Cabin in the Woods, directed by Cloverfield writer Drew Goddard, from a script by Goddard and Joss Whedon. It stars a pre-Thor Chris Hemsworth (the release was delayed because of MGM’s financial problems), and supposedly features Richard Jenkins, though he’s nowhere to be found in the trailer. Basically, some kids go out to a cabin in the woods, and yadda yadda yadda, they f*ck each other and get killed. A metaphor for humanity, really. It reminds me of those movies I used to watch on cable in the 80s and early 90s in order to see some boobs, only in this case, it looks like someone took out all the boob parts and cut together a film using just the boobless crap. Not even Chris Hemsworth shirtless? Jeez, these guys must be purists. “What if we made a cabin movie that was really about the CABIN, you know?”

I guess it will all come down to whether you respect wood. Do you respect wood?

Superman and Spider-Man are British now, but if you think the good ol’ US of A is going to take usurpation like that lying down, you’re wrong. That’s why we sent Meryl Streep over to England to steal the role of Margaret Thatcher, the stiffest of stiff upper lips and the model for Mrs. Doubtfire (maybe!). And just to make sure those goddamned dirty stinking tea-totellers never try something like this again, we made the movie extra super duper mega boring by slathering every inch of film stock in oatmeal and dyeing it extra beige. Can you imagine fast-forwarding through scenes about proper elocution lessons (King’s Speech much?) to get to the F*CKING FALKLANDS WAR? This makes Ken Burns look like Michael Bay.

USA! USA! USA!

"Raise the roof, my niggas, I got computer mice on my coat."

[via Buzzsugar]

HAHAHA '69'

After the jump, I’ve got the trailer for Goon, the hockey enforcer movie starring Seann William Stifler. No, this isn’t the hockey enforcer movie Kevin Smith is directing (Hit Somebody), which might be confusing, because we’ve heard from people who’ve read Goon that they’re almost the same story, and because at one point, Seann William Scott was supposed to star in that too. It’s funny because I’ve never looked at Stifler and thought, “No one could play a hockey enforcer like this guy!”

Anyway, it’s kind of like Happy Madison for hockey:

Doug Glatt, (Seann William Scott) the black sheep of an illustrious medical family is working as a bouncer when he gets roped into going to a local hockey team’s game by his hockey fanatic pal, Pat (Jay Baruchel). When Pat incites the opposing team’s enforcer to climb out of the penalty box and into the audience after him, Doug steps in and to everyone’s surprise, especially the local team’s coach, quickly puts the player down.

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