Not pictured: Very disappointed fathers.

This was pretty much a given from the start, but 20th Century Fox is purchasing the rights to the book “ESPN: Those Guys Have All the Fun,” a very candid history of the rise of the World Wide Leader, as told by the famous anchors and reporters who have annoyed us all along the way. While it’s still too early to tell what film style will be used to portray the book, I do know that we’re about to be bombarded by Forest Whitaker/Stuart Scott jokes.

In case you’re unfamiliar with the book…

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Natalie Portman’s father, Avner Hershlag, a Long Island fertility specialist, self-published his first novel, Misconception, a self-dubbed “reproductive thriller”, last year.  According the the New York Observer, it’s “a tale of cloning experiments gone bad and the compromised embryos of a U.S. first lady,” and is currently generating interest from major publishing houses.  Hey, who wants to bet the first lady in question is a fictionalized Sarah Palin?  Old Jews never shut up about Palin.  Eh, at least he’s not commenting on all your pictures on Facebook.  Anyway, the fine folks at NYMag dug up an excerpt, and there’s a penis-measuring scene in the first paragraph, so it’s got that going for it.

This time I won’t let the doctor pull down my underwear. No way will this man feel my balls again and measure my penis with a yardstick. I hate him. I hate the clinic.
For six months, Mom’s been dragging me every week to this nightmare of a place, to see the awful doctor. The freezing stethoscope and his cold hands give me the creeps. Why would the bastard think his white coat gives him the right to embarrass me in front of the nurse, telling her with his smart-ass attitude to look at my private parts, pulling my elastic without permission?

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While Hollywood’s busy buying the rights to this jagoff‘s stupid how-to books about a robot uprising, genuine potential blockbusters slide by right underneath their noses like so much lines of cocaine.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that if any book deserves to be a movie, it’s Malcolm Brenner’s new book about his nine-month “emotional and sexual relationship” with a dolphin.

In 1971, Malcolm Brenner says he began a nine-month emotional and sexual relationship with a dolphin named Ruby. His passionate, real-life romance with the marine mammal is the basis for his new novel, Wet Goddess: Recollections Of A Dolphin Lover (Brenner).

Brenner met the sea seductress while taking photos of Ruby for a Florida [OF COURSE] amusement park and things escalated from there. He says the dolphin would nuzzle, flirt, and dance for him in the water, making it known that she wanted something more than friendship. The constant “come-ons” led Brenner to look at Ruby as a person. At the dolphin’s suggestion they got physical and engaged in sex, an experience he calls “phenomenal.”

Brenner says a relationship with a dolphin is hard because they’re clingy and “require attention 24/7.” Since his tryst with Ruby, he’s never loved another. [FlashNews]

“I would say it’s sort of like Romeo and Juliet. Instead in this book, Juliet is a 400 pound marine mammal,” he said.

Brenner says he only printed 50 copies of his book. He’s now trying to figure out how many copies he can print for the second edition.  [NBC2]

“Hey, man, it was the 70s.  We were all a bunch of crazy kids back then.  It was all free love and dolphin f*ckin and Studio 54, maaan.”  Oh God, please tell me he used the blowhole.  If you effed a dolphin and didn’t use the blowhole, it just seems like it’d just be a waste.  I think we all know he’s going to need a lot more than 50 copies.  How about a million?  How about 50 million?  In fact, I hear Joel Osteen‘s already trying to capitalize on the Dolphin love craze.  As for me personally, I think the main drawback would be that dolphins are said to be very intelligent.  I’d much prefer something lithe, but dumb and flighty with daddy issues, like a gazelle, the struggling actresses of the animal kingdom.  Oh, Florida.  Don’t ever change, baby.

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Would you watch a movie about man-on-dolphin sex?

Part of me would like to think we as a society are past the days when someone would write a book about a celebrity and say “So-and-so slept with 8 billion women,” and everyone would pay attention to it.  But another part of me thought this clip of Warren Beatty rapping about how he loves nappy dugout was just too good not to use.  So yeah, some guy said Warren Beatty slept with 12,775 women. It’s both believable and newsworthy!

“Using simple arithmetic,” Peter Biskind, author of Star: How Warren Beatty Seduced America calculates, Beatty bedded “12,775 women, give or take, a figure that does not include daytime quickies, drive-bys, casual gropings, stolen kisses and so on.”

How would including “stolen kisses” in the number of women he “bedded” ever be an option?  This guy does know about penises and vaginas, right?

Among Beatty’s conquests, Biskind writes, the Bonnie and Clyde, Heaven Can Wait and Reds star-producer can claim Jane Fonda (who at first thought her costar was gay), Joan Collins (whom he exhausted), Leslie Caron, Isabelle Adjani, Julie Christie, Diane Keaton, Madonna and, of course, the actress Beatty married in 1992, Annette Bening. [HuffingtonPost]

That’s eight women. Meanwhile, 12,775 translates to a different woman every day for 35 years.  And Beatty’s been married for the last 17.  So yeah, I’m sure this is true.  And I bet he gave them all “orgasms” too.  Whatever you say, Spaceman.

(Rated-R for naughty language)

This is a teaser for The Strain, which is actually about vampires, not taking a dump.  Oh, and it’s a book, not a movie.  Written by Guillermo Del Toro and Chuck Hogan, The Strain: Book One of The Strain Trilogy releases June 2nd.

Del Toro says he teamed with award-winning crime writer Hogan to give The Strain the feel of a science-injected modern television show (which is ironic, because the novel began as del Toro’s outline for a vampire TV series)*. “I’m not good at forensic novels,” del Toro told Wired magazine. “I’m not good at hazmat language and that CSI-style precision. When [Bram] Stoker wrote Dracula, it was very modern, a CSI sort of novel. I wanted to give The Strain a procedural feel, where everything seems real.” [Wired via Cinematical]

With all the good books out there, I hope you wouldn’t spend your time reading Guillermo Del Toro’s dopey vampire book, but whatever.  I post this teaser for two reasons: 1. At the 10-second mark, the old man appears to pop up out of the floor – awesome.  2.  50-second mark.  The line, “What, like a pinche zombie?”  I keep playing it over and over again.  Does he actually say “pinche”?  Most people who pepper their speech with Spanish words know how to pronounce them.  This pinche libro looks puro awesome, ése.

*Not ironic