Ben Stiller and Robert Deniro’s embarrassing paycheck movie, Little Fockers opens this weekend. I took one look at the trailer and saw that filmmakers thought the fact that “Focker” kind of sounds like “F*cker” was a strong enough joke that they re-used it five times in two minutes and figured it’d be okay for me to sit this one out.  Many of my film critic colleagues, however, aren’t content with simply assuming that hitting one’s penis with a framing hammer will be painful, and had to find out the boner way. I mean hard.  But thanks to those heroes, we can now play the Plot Recreated with Reviews game.

You know how this works: we recreate the plot using only expository quotes — NO ANALYSIS! — from the poor sad bastards who had to sit through it.

ACT I

Nothing much has changed in the household of Gaylord Focker except that everyone is a few years older. [StarTribune]

Jack, who now suffers from serious heart palpitations, is obsessed with finding a successor to his “throne.”  [WashingtonPost]

“Are you ready to be the GodFocker?” he demands. [StarTribune]

Jack decides Greg is having an affair with pharmaceutical rep Andi Garcia… [FilmSchoolRejects]

…[with whom] Greg is working closely peddle Sustengo, an erectile dysfunction pill… [WashingtonPost]

… and who we’re supposed to believe becomes instantly smitten with Stiller after helping him give an anal probe to an elderly patient. [JoBlo]

She shows up at male nurse Focker’s hospital, inexplicably signs him up to give speeches on her erectile-dysfunction drug, then strips down to her undies and jumps him. [NYPost]

Bernie Focker (Dustin Hoffman), struck with a bout of “manopause,” has fled to Spain to study flamenco dancing, while Dina Byrnes (Blythe Danner) is experimenting with kinky role play in hopes of spicing up her and Jack’s sex life. Greg has to impress the headmaster of a snooty private school (Laura Dern) where he wants his children to go. [WashingtonPost]

Owen Wilson hangs around again as the golden best friend to flirt with Greg’s wife again (accidentally, he got a giant back tattoo of her). [NYPost]

After the jump, you’ll find the brand new trailer for Little Fockers. The third trailer, to be exact. If you’ll remember, everything about this movie was looking like a work thermos full of chunky stool, so Universal tried to fix it by bringing back Dustin Hoffman.  It totally worked, because now it’s hilarious!

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Little Fockers looks terrible (and reportedly cost $100M to make), but as they say in Hollywood, that was yesterday, grandpa.  You better be ready to rascal scooter your ass down to the multiplex come December, because now Little Fockers has a secret weapon: DUSTIN HOFFMAN.  That’s right, Mr. Motherf*cking Magorium himself.  Kiss his rings, bitch.

Despite initially being written out of the upcoming comedy [sic] Little Fockers, Dustin Hoffman will indeed be reprising his role in the Meet the Fockers sequel, EW has confirmed. His scenes come courtesy of a series of pickup shots Universal is adding to the film, including some opposite onscreen wife Barbra Streisand. Hoffman reportedly will be receiving a salary equivalent to what he would have received had he been cast in the first place.
UPDATE: Hoffman will be in four scenes, some indeed with Streisand, a studio source confirms. These were shot during one week of additional photography, after Hoffman had seen the movie and wanted to be a part of it. [EW]

Just to reiterate, Dustin Hoffman saw the movie and he really wanted to be in it, and it had NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with getting his full salary for one week of work.  My sources are unclear on what finally convinced him to do the movie — the part where they repeat “Focker” 12 times, the scene where Robert DeNiro gets stabbed in the boner, the part where Ben Stiller gets puke on his face, the scene where Ben Stiller ruins thanksgiving dinner by squirting blood on everyone, or just the general this-movie-was-written-by-a-Nigerian-spambot vibe.  But I understand, it’s so hard to choose just one, it’s like trying to pick a favorite Chumbawumba song. (*stabs Robert DeNiro in the boner*)