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Do I have your attention?  Treasure.  SHARKS.  Hell yes.

Anthony D’Souza [who some people (me) call "The Bollywood Michael Bay"] directs “Blue” , which stars Katrina Kaif, Sanjay Dutt, Akshay Kumar, Lara Dutta, and Zayed Khan (five people who have never been in my kitchen).  Katrina and Lara appear to be in bikinis for every scene.  A. R. Rahman (Slumdog Millionaire) composed the music.  He’s my favorite of all the Tamil soundtrack composers. *adjusts messenger bag, sips Pabst Blue Ribbon*

From this clip I also learned that water jugs in India explode when they fall off a truck.  Next time some hippies tell you to drink 8 glasses of water a day, show them this video.  I’m on to you, killer Indian water coolers.  Don’t you try to curry favor with me.

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This clip is kinda like the Indian teen wolf, only instead of a werewolf and a fat guy, it’s just one hairy fat guy.  The fat guy is apparently Chiranjeevi, the most famous Tollywood actor of all-time, Tollywood being the Telugu-language branch of the Indian film industry …long story.  Anyway, I’m not sure what’s better: the glowing, badly CGI’d basketball, or that the filmmakers don’t really know the rules of basketball.  Or that after Chiranjeevi wins the game with a full-court shot, he celebrates by outrunning a train.  It’s not what you would call… subtle.  Get it?  The fat Indian guy is an amazing athlete?  It’s kind of like when they give Kevin James a hot wife.  The film went on to be so successful that it eventually spawned an American version, Air Bud.

[via FreeDarko]

My favorite thing about foreign films’ depictions of the U.S. is the way they randomly lump a bunch of American things together for the sake of brevity (RoboCop and fried chicken, for example). In the Bollywood film KAMBAKHT ISHQ, the Indian lead plays Sly Stallone’s stunt double, trying to win the love of a supermodel (of course).  The trailer opens with the real Sylvester Stallone, apparently playing himself, thanking the stuntguy during a Kodak Theatre awards speech.  Only Stallone says, “Good evening. My name is John Rambo,” and then proceeds to show a clip from Waterworld. Think about that. That’s like Fred Thompson coming out and announcing, “Hello, America.  My name is John McCain, and I love hamburgers.”  *crowd goes wild*

Not only is it a strange and awesome combo, I’m suprised Asian people can hear the words “My name is John Rambo” and not immediately flee before he strangles everyone.

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When 50 Cent was on a Turkish game show a while back, they challenged him to do a Turkish dance and it was kind of like that scene in Airplane where the anthropologist introduces the African tribes people to basketball and they immediately start throwing alley oops to each other.  Meanwhile, Freida Pinto (the female lead in Slumdog Millionaire) was recently on Craig Ferguson, and when she tried to teach him the Bollywood Step, it was sort of a disaster, because Ferguson is Scottish and Scots tend to dance only during alcohol-induced seizures.  Also: when did dancing with the host become standard talk show-guest behavior? Should I blame Ellen?  If I was a talk show host, I’d have on one of those African ladies to teach me how to balance like 80 pounds of junk on my head because that seems like a really useful skill.

Sylvester Stallone was recently in India to shoot a Bollywood film with Denise Richards and Brandon Routh.  The headline accompanying the news story about it was “Stallone was very impressed with Indians.”  Above is an artist’s rendition of what that might have looked like.