(*softly weeping*)

The trailer for Stan Helsing starts with “From one of the guys who brought you Scary Movie.”  Which is kind of like starting an interview with the Anti-Defamation League “Hi, I’m Heinrich Himmler.”  As if that weren’t bad enough, it also has Kenan Thompson in it, and halfway through the trailer he gets to put his painfully unfunny paws all over my girlfriend Diora Baird’s spectacular boobs, made from rainbows and the fur of newborn kittens.

“I’m not fair,” said the universe, when reached for comment.  And if you were wondering whether the trailer has a record-scratch sound effect, you better f’cking believe the trailer has a record scratch sound effect.

Read the rest of this entry »

This is the trailer for "Reference Movie", by our friends at The Soup. It’s both amusing and relevant.

I mention it because Variety is reporting that some guy named Bo Zenga will be writing and directing a monster movie parody called Stan Helsing.

"’Stan Helsing’ spoofs the six biggest movie monster franchises of all time, which collectively have grossed over $1 billion worldwide. We expect to take a healthy bite of that number," Zenga said. 

Bo Zenga is a former Wall Street banker and Wharton MBA graduate who previously wrote Soul Plane, perhaps the finest film to date on the subject of rappers flying airplanes.  D.L. Hughley, who played a minor role, has often joked about having to wear a mask to cash his royalty checks, while Everybody Hates Chris called it "worse than [KKK classic] Birth of a Nation."  Sounds like a success to me!

But I like Zenga’s logic, that if you make fun of something successful your earnings will be proportional to its.  It reminds me of the time I put on a top hat and monocle and tucked my dick and balls between my legs and walked down Bo Zenga’s street shouting, "Hey everybody, I’m Bo Zenga!  I’m a super lame douche and I’m hung like a little girl!" whilst pretending to fellate my cane.  I’m still waiting for him to show me the money.  He used to be a Wall Street banker so I figure it’s pretty much a sure thing.