As you kin see, Da Stafe is a wew-skiwwed negotia'ah

Oi, conts, Da Stafe eah.  Did yous miss me?  Wew da wait is ovva, cos Oy ‘as got a new movie comin’ out.  Foinally, yous wiw be able to watch da Stafe grimace, bash conts, spew cheeky one loinahs, and knob every fit bird wiffin a firty moile fock’n radius. Now, Oy know a lot of yous conts out theah is gonna say, “Oi, but Stafe, ‘asn’t you already done loike firty ovva movies wiff dis exact same plot?”

An to dose conts oy say, Oi, it’s a Stafe movie. Dey’s not exactly Merchant and Fock’n Oyvory now is dey?  You clevah conts wiw be ‘appy to note dat Da Stafe’s new fiwm, Blitz, distinguishes itself from aw previous Stafe fiwms boy da sheah fock’n numbah an’ variety of fings wiff which Da Stafe bashes conts.  As you’s can see, da list of fings which oy utilize to give conts’ ‘eads a wew good bashing includes, but is not fock’n limi’ed to: Da Stafe’s foot, Da Stafe’s Fore’ead, da curb, a basebaw bat, da door of a flash sazz wagon, a noight stick, a snookah cue, an ‘ammah, a gun, da bad cont’s own arms, a pistew, a proiceless antique vase, and a course, de ol’ stand boys, Da Stafe’s fists, Mahgrit an Caffrine.  And if dat weren’t enough to get your appetoight as wet as a fit bird’s muff when she sees da Stafe wiff moy shir’ off, Oy ‘as awso got a pair of wew angry fock’n pit bulls, now doesn’ Oy. Oy named dem “Sazz Wagon” and “Cont”.

"Oi, cont. D'ya loike dags?"

Oy loike pit bulls cos dey is ruffless fock’n bloody canoines dat cannot bet tamed, and wiffout question da flashest of aw dog breeds.  Dey is basically da Stafams of da animew kingdom Read the rest of this entry »

"Oi, cont. D'ya loike dags?"

Oi, conts. It’s da Stafe ‘ere, innit. Whoilst it wiz fun muckin’ about wiff Sloy Stallone an dem ovva geezahs in Da Expendabews, da Stafe is in da proime of ‘is loife, an’ ‘e don’t roide shotgun in some ovva cont’s sazz wagon for very long, now does Oy. Roight. So Oy ‘as got a fiwm a me own once again, and dis toime, some cont is killin’ coppahs, donnit. Turns out, da cont ‘as been running ’round London offin’ coppahs left and roight, an’ da ovva conts is wew ‘elpless to stop ‘im coz dey’s too busy pushin’ penciws an’ playin’ boy da fockin rules, now isn’ dey. Meanswhoilst, Da Stafe is a loose fockin cannon, oo ‘as been kicked off da force for knobbin’ too many fit birds and doin’ flash stunts on BMX boicycles, donnit. But da fing about a loose cannon is, whoilst ‘e moight knob ya girlfriend when ya’s not lookin’, dere’s nuffin bettah for blowin’ a cont’s ‘ead off, now is dere.
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Jason Statham is in “final negotiations” with Lionsgate to star in Blitz, a cop thriller, opposite Paddy Considine in an adaptation of a book by Ken Bruen.  Says Booklist (via Amazon):

Most of the hard-charging cops from The White Trilogy are back–Sergeant Brant, Chief Inspector Roberts, Police Constable Falls–along with a couple of late arrivals, Sergeant Porter Nash and PC McDonald. Slogging their way through a London unrecognizable from postcards, it’s a wonder any of them have survived both criminal mayhem and their own self-destructive impulses. A cop killer dubbed “The Blitz” is wreaking havoc with a hammer, and as the tale rockets forward, the characters find themselves engaged in unlikely alliances: homophobe Brant with openly gay Nash; suddenly supercompetent Roberts with screw-up McDonald; and the black Falls with “Metal,” a racist skinhead.

Oi, Staf heah.  Dey’s changed da fock’n story a bit from dis, cos when da Staf does a movie, cunts’d be well woise to play to da Staf’s particula strenfs, donnit.  Roight.  So den in dis version, Oi play da skin’ead, Metal, on accoun’ a moy ‘airstoyle, an’ cos “Metal” is a fock’n flash name, innit. Den we changed da black fella to a fit bird oi’s knobbin, dis Ukranian model wif a well toight kit.  Den we changed Sergeant Nash to a shoiny sazz wagon, cos da Stafe can’t very well knob a fit bird wiffout a sazz wagon ta do it on, now can Oy?  Cunts. Den dey changed Sergeant Brant to da Staf’s boiceps, an’ PC McDonald to da Staf’s shir’, derefore, McDonald is no longa in da fock’n movie, now is dey.  So oo does dat leave?  Roight, da Chief Inspecta.  As for da ‘Chief Inspecta,’ Oy fink Oy kin leave dat to you’s cunts imaginations, can’t Oy.  Let’s just say in dis version, da ‘Chief Inspecta’ spends a lotta toime wif da black fella, donnit.