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Here’s a poster of The Avengers assembling from the Las Vegas Licensing International Expo. The sure-to-not-be-a-disaster Marvel project written and directed by Joss Whedon is currently shooting and scheduled to be released May 4th, 2012. As you can see, it features Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye, an animated version of Mark Ruffalo as the Hulk, Chris Hemsworth as Thor, Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.), Chris Evans as Captain America, and of course, the team’s most valuable member, Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow.

“Mr. President! The Chinese are invading!  What do we do?”

“SEND IN THE CHICK WITH BIG TITS WHO KNOWS JIU-JITSU!”

[Source]

Entertainment Weekly has an Iron Man 2 cover story this month, and features the first pictures of Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow.  It barely looks like her. Which is probably a good thing, since normally she looks less “action hero” than “girl who smokes a lot.”  You’ll also notice she has red hair, because all chicks in superhero movies have to have red hair for some reason.  That’s why when I have sex with redheads I like to shout “I’m a superhero!” at the point of orgasm*.  Also, instead of fully undressing, I like to put my penis through the hole in the front of my Spider-Man underpants.  Chicks love it.  Ask around.

[via Cinematical]

*I meant my orgasms, of course.  Everyone knows women don’t have orgasms.

Hot on the heels of Mickey Rourke’s reported signing to Iron Man 2, Scarlett Johansson has been announced as Black Widow, the role from which Emily Blunt withdrew due to scheduling.  Marvel’s offer to Johansson is being described as a “lowball.”  Meanwhile, my offer to Johansson is being described as “obscene and perplexing.”

Unlike Mickey’s money, the deal for her is “just the opposite, a terrible deal made by CAA,” one of my insiders says. “It’s as bad as any deal that I’ve heard. It’s lowball money. And it ties her to countless movies, including that ensemble The Avengers, which is what makes this brutal for a lot of actors.” [NikkiFinke]

But the deal also means she won’t have to go out looking for new roles or auditions, and I get the impression that Scarlett Johansson is really lazy. I don’t know why.  She just has that oh I’m so tired, I shouldn’t even be awake voice.  Also, in an ironic twist, “Emily Blunt” was her nickname in high school.  True story.