It’s a Martin Luther King Day miracle!  Black Dynamite, easily the most awesomest-looking movie ever made (based on the trailer, anyway) was picked up for distribution by Sony after “a long night of negotiations”, in which Michael Jai White karate kicked the shit out of everyone and bedded many, many women.  Okay, we’re still awaiting confirmation on that last part.  The film’s price tag was $2 million, or 20,000 $100 suits and 400 $5,000 cars.

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Have I mentioned how awesome Black Dynamite looks?  Tough shit, I’m going to again.  After the jump you can watch the newly-released Happy Holidays from Black Dynamite video.  The producers are people who clearly understand that the way to my heart is through my giant nerd boner.

Little known fact:  Michael Jai White actually invented the sport of Jai Alai.  Which he immediately demanded that Mexicans play.  And they did.  Out of fear.  Because Michael Jai White knows karate.
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Diddy is constantly running his stupid mouth despite the fact that he’s never said anything interesting in his entire life. His latest fixation is campaigning to be the first black James Bond, to whom I would no doubt refer as “Lebron James Bond.”  It’s also “rumored” that Diddy even spent $750K on an audition tape (video of that below).

“I know in [MI6] they have some black agents,” Diddy said at New York’s London Hotel. “I know there’s some black people that can save the world. White people aren’t the only people that can save the world. My variation, I would come from the New York agency. I would actually be working with James Bond. And he would get kidnapped, and I would have to come get him and save the day. It’s a natural thing. It’s organic. I think it would be a tragedy for the next James Bond not to be black, and I think the next Superman should be black. We are like the coolest creatures on the face of the Earth.” [MTV]

Yes, black people can do anything white people can do*, that’s why we elected one.  You’re still an idiot.     And why do you want a black James Bond when you’ve already got Black Dynamite, who’s 10 times cooler?  As for a black Superman, well, most black dudes I know tend to wear boxers, and I think we can all agree that wearing boxer shorts on the outside of your blue spandex leotard would just look stupid.

*exceptions: fox hunting, waterpolo
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If you’ve seen either of the Black Dynamite trailers I’ve posted in the past (here and here) you’ve probably skipped straight to watching the videos (below) without reading any of this, and that’s fine.  You know, sometimes a movie comes out that looks awesome and I get all it excited for it, but then it ends up totally sucking, like JCVD.  And that’s fine, it happens.  But Black Dynamite continues to look so g’damned amazing that if it ends up not being good it could turn my entire world upside down.  I’d quit my job, sell all my belongings, and roam the alleys and backstreets wearing nothing but a bandolier made of dead cats, accosting bewildered strangers, screaming, “You see?? This is why we can’t have nice things!”

Please don’t let me down, Black Dynamite.  For those of you who can’t watch the videos, dig the first line: “I shoulda known you’d be behind this, Fiendish Dr. Wu.  Your knowledge of scientific biological transmogrifications is only outmatched by your zest for kung fu treachery!” No, but really, dig it. *sigh* You’re so white.
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If there’s one thing good that came out of the death of Rudy Ray Moore, it’s how many of us watched the tribute clips from his old movies and went, “Damn, there should really be more movies like that.”

The makers of Black Dynamite apparently had the same idea a long time before the rest of us, because they’ve made a movie that looks like it could’ve/should’ve been a Dolamite movie, and it was recently selected for the 2009 Sundance Film Festival.  After the jump I’ve got the new red-band trailer. And this is a real red band trailer, with violence and boobs and everything.  This looks… so… awesome.  And it’s premiering in Mormon country?  In the words of Tracy Morgan, somebody gone get pregnant.  Ahh, Tracy Morgan.  He truly is “the oo-chow.”
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