Movie news can get a little slow at times.  Luckily, movie olds is a bottomless well of hilarity – and dog movies! Long story short, that’s why we have the Forgotten Classics segment.

As you may have noticed, Forgotten Classics skews heavily in favor of dog movies, but 1991′s Bingo may be the best one yet.  The Washington Post calls him “a bona fide star, sort of a canine Macauley Culkin.”  Seriously, they did!  In the trailer, Bingo proves that he can:

• Get busted for DUI
• Pick up on bitches
• Hammer beers in his dog house
• Drive a truck
• Wave at other dogs with his paw
• Get involved in a prison riot
• Get the drop on a grizzly bear
• Snort coke with a clown
• Skateboard
• Testify in a court of law

And most importantly, he can cover his face with his paws.  Dog-covering-his-face-with-paws is like the money shot of a dog movie, only more satisfying.  I’m pretty sure Bingo is the long lost cousin of Birthday Dog and Party Dog.  Party Dog knows where the bitches at, yo.

The 12 years since Wings went off the year have been like a bad dream full of emptiness and pain.  But finally, according to Variety, the cast is reuniting to bring the story of the wacky Hackett Brothers to the big screen!  Hold on, I’m reading something…

Disney has acquired screen rights to the young adult novel “Wings” and will develop the bestselling Aprilynne Pike title as a star vehicle for Miley Cyrus.  Pic will be developed for Cyrus to play Laurel, a 15-year-old who grows up sheltered and home-schooled in a small town. Adjusting to a big high school is difficult, and her suspicion that she’s not like the other kids becomes a reality when she sprouts a pair of wings and learns that she’s a fairy. Published in May, the novel is the first of a planned four-book series. [Variety]

Aw, crap.  Another false alarm.  Maybe you’ll eat next month, Steven Weber.  Also: I always wonder if the fact that all redneck chicks dye their hair blonde now was influenced by Disney’s lazy ass plot devices.  Ten bucks says this movie will start with Miley Cyrus will be getting pushed around in the cafeteria, then they’ll throw a blonde wig on her, and Holy sh*t, she’s a fairy princess!

PS: “Aprilynne”?  F-ck off.

When a movie site reports something without naming a source or explaining how they got their information in any way, it’s usually bogus.  But hey, it’s Friday, I’ll indulge them.  Australian site moviehole reports that a remake of Teen Wolf is in “early development.”  Isn’t the Twilight sequel already doing the Teen Wolf thing?  Only instead of a metaphor for puberty, it’s a parable about the dangers of sex, and minorities?

Warner Bros (who snagged the rights to the film series about five or six years ago) are currently out to writers, looking for the craftiest reinterpretation of Rod Daniels’ 1985 hit. They’re not quite certain ”which way they’re going to go” – Me, I say go with ‘Son of Teen Wolf’! – but I’d say it’s pretty safe that whatever and whoever’s script they go with will again tell the story of Scott Howard and his pesky hair prob. Not expecting anything too original here. But then, it’s “Teen Wolf” – no need for too big or audacious an idea.

Call me crazy, but I don’t hate this idea.  The protagonists of today’s teen movies all seem to be goth weirdos or jazz-handed pansies.  A character like Teen Wolf is exactly what we’re missing.  You think they had abstinence rings back in 1985?  No.  That was called being a loser. It’s about time we brought back the concept of a hero who takes being a party animal to it’s logical literal conclusion.  And the way I see it, we’ve got two perfect models for the modern Teen Wolf.

Not to mention Chubby.

If you saw Star Trek, you probably noticed the abundance of lens flares.  Director JJ Abrams acknowledges he went overboard, but he also wants you to know it wasn’t some cheesy Photoshop after effect.  As he told io9…

It was one of those things… I wanted a visual system that felt unique. I know there are certain shots where even I watch and think, “Oh that’s ridiculous, that was too many.” But I love the idea that the future was so bright it couldn’t be contained in the frame.

They were all done live, they weren’t added later. There are something about those flares, especially in a movie that can potentially be very sterile and CG and overly controlled. There is something incredibly unpredictable and gorgeous about them. It is a really fun thing. Our DP would be off camera with this incredibly powerful flashlight aiming it at the lens. It became an art because different lenses required angles, and different proximity to the lens. Sometimes, when we were outside we’d use mirrors. Certain sizes were too big… literally, it was ridiculous. It was like another actor in the scene….

We had two cameras, so sometimes we had two different spotlight operators. When there was atmosphere in the room, you had to be really careful because you could see the beams. So it was this ridiculous, added level of pain in the ass, but I love… [looking at] the final cut, [the flares] to me, were a fun additional touch that I think, while overdone, in some places, it feels like the future is that bright.

He’s right.  If I want to feel like the future is bright, I just look at this picture of Birthday Dog.  You can’t look at this picture and not be happy.

That’s right, it’s my birthday.  Which means I wrote this post yesterday, when I wasn’t hungover and covered in filth and shame. And yes, my birthday is more important than the Oscars.

Movie titles if they were honest. [CollegeHumor]

17 Oscar Categories We’d Like to See. Wait, Anne Hathaway got naked in Rachel Getting Married? Don’t toy with me. [ScreenJunkies]

Mr. Bananas writes editorial on recent monkey* attack. [HolyTaco]

Seriously? Glenn Danzig’s going to be on Rock of Love? I’m only on board with this if at some point he commands a contestant to “MASTABATE ME/AND THEN SLURP IT FROM YA PAAALM…” [AfroJacks]

The Oscar Speech Generator is pretty sweet. You can read what I got after the jump. [Atom]

DO NOT WANT. Fruitcake says Dragonball 2 has already been written. [Scifinow]

Chuck Norris tells Haley Joel Osment he has AIDS. This clip is both old and well-known, but I never get tired of it. [Videogum]

And speaking of AIDS, check out this AIDS-related poster auction.  I’m only bidding to help Haley Joel. [CHUD]

20 Movies You Didn’t Know Won Oscars. [BestWeekEver]

*I realize a chimp technically isn’t a monkey. Monkey still sounds better. Now stop emailing me.

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