According to people who know these things, December 10th is ‘Human Rights Day’, and in Vancouver, Amnesty International will be celebrating by sponsoring the premiere of Darfur, along with a Q & A by its director… Uwe Boll.

The movie stars Billy Zane and had a typo in the trailer, so either Amnesty International is unfamiliar with the man’s work, or they’re making people sit through one of his movies as a way to demonstrate that torture is wrong.  I can’t imagine what the Q & A will be about. Everyone knows the Sudan has only one true spokesperson, and that spokesperson is Bangs:

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Uwe Boll is a terrible filmmaker known mainly for making films about video games and for basically being that foreign exchange student who says funny things and then gets pissed when you laugh at him.  His latest attempt at relevance is a film about the genocide in Darfur, which stars Billy Zane and has a typo in the trailer.  Is anyone surprised?  It goes without saying that a country that endures endless civil war, genocide, and a generation of lost boys should not be forced to be the setting of a Uwe Boll film.  However, there’s reason to believe things in Sudan aren’t all sadness and AIDs, famine and Billy Zane.  Namely, this guy:
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According to Twitch, a couple years back, a low-budget Greek zombie movie called Evil (To Kako) did decent enough business to travel the festival circuit and get a DVD release. Eventually they got to make a sequel with a bigger budget called Evil II (in other countries it’s still okay to number sequels).  This is the trailer.

…they’ve added Billy Zane in a key support role and have introduced a time hopping element to the picture, making Evil II quite possibly the first ever horror film set dominantly in the classical age of Greece.  You know … Theseus, Perseus, Jason and all of those guys?  It’s like that, only with the undead trying to eat them. [Twitch]

I’ve been saying zombies is a f*cked out genre for a while now, but now that Billy Zane is in a zombie movie maybe people will finally believe me.  This feels like a borderline racist attempt by foreigners to make an “American” movie, their idea of America being zombies, time travel, and cheesy acting.  Kinda like if I were to try to make a Mexican movie it’d have a big fat guy with a red wig and fake freckles dressed like a chicken, and hot chicks slapping each other.  And tacos. (whispers) Because that’s what they eat.

When I first heard the news that Uwe Boll was directing a movie (Janjaweed) about the Darfur genocide starring Billy Zane (a guy Boll had previously sued), I thought it was a joke.  But then I realized, wait, jokes aren’t that obscure.  Anyway, Movieset caught up with Uwe (OOOH-vay) at Cannes, where he confirmed that the project is real, and showed why he’s almost always mentioned in the discussion of greatest living directors. From this video...

“Za first risk ees zat za voman, who vas raped and haff AIDs now, zey are now actors ant zey have to recreate zat.  Za secont risk ees za American actors who play all za journalists going to Sudan.  I didn’t wrote dialog for zees guys, I basically only create characters oont za situations… On za first day of shooting, I realize some of za actors vere not used to it and zey had problems viss improvisation.”

Ahem.  He’s directing a movie about the Darfur genocide starring Billy Zane, and he thought it’d be a good idea for the actors to come up with their own dialog.  The only way this could be better is if Haley Joel Osment and Chuck Norris had cameos where they recreate the “Walker told me I have AIDS” scene.

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Uwe Boll, everyone’s favorite hack director (it’s passé to demand that he stop making movies, but he does suck), is reportedly shooting a film called Janjaweed about the strife in Sudan (the Janjaweed are an Islamic militia responsible for many of the massacres).  According to Variety, it stars Edward Furlong (Terminator 2), Billy Zane, and Kristanna Loken, and is shooting right now in Cape Town.

Aside from the idea that a guy who does awful video-game movies is now directing a movie about the Darfur massacre, Boll was last suing Billy Zane for 700 large, not even a year ago. Hard to imagine they’d be working together again so quickly.  So I ask, Variety, is this your idea of an April Fool’s Day joke?  If it is, please go back to doing what you do best, like making up gay words like “prexy” and “helmer” and “protag,” and writing stories with child-like metaphors.  Leave the jokes about Africa and rape to me.