‘Starring Billy Zane and Kimbo Slice’

10.17.11 Written by Vince Mancini

Coming soon to DVD and Blu Ray is The Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption, a film sure to delight even the most discerning of silly wig enthusiasts. It pits Billy Zane against Ron Perlman in an epic battle of scene-chewing wig wearing that could tear the world asunder, not to mention an elephant. It features cameos by the WWE’s Dave Bautista and an Asian chick who does Hadoukens. But let’s be honest, “starring Billy Zane and Kimbo Slice” is the only tagline a movie needs, the greatest tagline in the history of film — nay, the written word. God willing, someday that phrase will adorn the invitations to my wedding reception.

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Sundance Film Festival 2011, a fake recap

01.24.11 Written by Vince Mancini

KEvin-Smith-dick-tastes-funny-Censored(Click through to see what Kevin Smith likes to eat. Picture by Dave Chen from /Film)

RECAPS AND EXCLUSIVE REPORTAGE FROM PARK CITY, UTAH!

THE STANDING IN LINE HERE IS INCREDIBLE!  Truly, you haven’t lived until you’ve experienced the line standing here.  The lines in Utah are so much cleaner, crisper, more refreshing than you’ll find in the city.  They move with a humbler, more hardworking (yet relaxed) vibe than you find in our go-go, dog-eat-dog city lines.  Everyone should try to make it out to Utah to stand in line once or twice a year, just to stay grounded.  If you’ve been on the fence about it, take it from me: do it.  You’ll be glad you did, I promise.

In the past few days, I’ve seen a few movies, drank too much, and hung out with a who’s who of stars from the movie blogosphere.  Past Frotcast guest Laremy of Film.com cornered me in the bar at the Yarrow hotel late one night, downing scotch after scotch and regaling me with stories of the many women he’d bedded and the countless men to whom he’d delivered severe beatings for “maddogging me in the line at the Quizno’s.”

He bought me a beer, then asked me if "I partied," while tapping his nostril, whatever that means.

He bought me a beer, then asked me if "I partied," while tapping his nostril. Whatever that means.

Later that night, I ran into awkward Josh Horowitz from MTV Movies Blog outside James Franco’s party at the Playboy Lounge, which neither of us could get into.  I knew if MTV’s cuddliest video blogger couldn’t get in, I had no shot.  What happened inside?  Did Miranda July and Emily Deschanel go butt to butt during a private screening of Dicknose in Paris?  I can’t confirm, but I’d say it’s pretty likely.

After that, Josh kept trying to convince me to help him light a drifter on fire. When I wouldn’t, he just walked away, fiddling with his butterfly knife and huffing spray paint from a paper bag.  Don’t let the sweaters fool you, that motherf*cker’s crazy.

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The Roommate Has A Sexy Trailer

01.24.11 Written by Burnsy
Roommate

COMMENCE PILLOW FIGHT!

A few weeks back I accidentally used a picture of Minka Kelly when referring to Leighton Meester and my excuse was “Whatever bro, I’ve nailed them both.” And after the ink dried on the restraining orders, I realized that they’re both in the upcoming college thriller Single White Female The Roommate, which has a new trailer making the TV and intertubes rounds this last week. Now that I’ve been able to watch it repeatedly in private over the past 76 hours, I’m ready to share it.

Minka and Leighton play college roommates who meet for the first time and quickly become as close as sisters, and DEAR GOD JUST KISS ALREADY! Sorry, I promised myself I would keep it together. The Roommate, directed by Christian E. Christiansen (seriously?), also stars FilmDrunk favorite Cam Gigandet as a studly beef slab that comes between the two… roommates. Whatever, I’m no Peter Hammond. Turns out Leighton is insane and prone to fits of violence if she gets off her meds. Haha, aren’t they all, guys?

Trailer after the jump…

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Billy Zane Belt Sands Busey’s Face

11.09.10 Written by RoboPanda

buseyzane

Doing this made sense before the ether wore off.

If a headline like “Billy Zane Belt Sands Busey’s Face” isn’t enough to sell you on watching the video below, then we can’t be friends. You can forget about me emailing you tasteful selections from the “Gary Busey as a horse” photoshop collection of which I am the devoted curator — neigh nay — aficionado.

The clip below containing the transcendent “Billy Zane’s belt sander meets Gary Busey’s face” scene is from Guido, which is not Vince’s life story but rather a hitman action caper written/starring/funded by Alki David.  Cousin Alki was in the news recently as that billionaire who offered $1 million cash for someone to write his website name on themselves and flash Obama (which totally happened), and he also seems to have written his own IMDb bio:

Alki David was born in West Africa in 1968 to a Greek trading and shipping family. To date what has happened to him is nothing less than a fantastic journey. [...] When you meet Alki you will find a calm self-assured pinnacle of strength. Beneath that calm exterior is an incredibly creative and dynamic personality to whom most are instantly, drawn to. [...] IMDb Mini Biography By: Emma McAllister [Ed.- Who is this and can we get her to write glowing biographies of our exploits?] Trivia: Voted “sexiest man alive” by Scandal Magazine, a leading gossip publication in Greece. [Can you handle the sexy?]

I heard he and Bruce Greenwood singlehandedly [doublehandedly?] cured a child’s cancer by taking their shirts off and letting their manly, flowing chest hair work its healing visual magic.  Anyway, finding this sizzle reel on YouTube is the second happiest I’ve been searching for Billy Zane and Gary Busey at the same time, the first happiest being while I was making the banner pic, but that assessment might be the ether making all my decisions again.

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Iron Man + Rocky IV + Lulz + links

05.10.10 Written by Vince Mancini

The latest from Black20 is this little mashup of Iron Man 2, Rocky IV and assorted others, Iron Man IV.

DAILY CIRCULAR JERK HYPERLINKS

  • BillyZane-Short-ShortsDrop your socks and grab your cocks, Chodin has a new Uproxx feature. |Uproxx|
  • Kick-Ass sequels, yo. |GammaSquad|
  • I hate baseball, but I love a good old-man rant.  What to do? |WithLeather|
  • Kimbo Slice done lost again and got canned — you can watch it here.  It was sad to see.  Gotta check leg kicks, beardy. |SmokingSection|
  • Taryn Southern visits ROFL-con. |G4|
  • Charles Darwin married his cousin, which should prove once and for all that Jesus is magic and your uncle is not a monkey.  Or vice versa. |Asylum|
  • A comic book about the love affair between Glenn Danzig and Henry Rollins. Danzig Misfits > Rollins Black Flag.  There, I said it. |ComicsAlliance|
  • The 10 best comedians of all time.  No Patton Oswalt?  This list is gayer than eight guys f*cking nine guys. |Guyism|
  • Justin Bieber hears “Germany”, claims he thought the guy said “Jewmany.” |CollegeHumor|
  • Greece now thinks the Athens Olympics didn’t bring in the money they expected.  |SportsPickle|
  • The best of horror pulp. |Gunaxin|
  • Miss USA gets sexy.  Thank God.  She was lookin’ pretty foul for a while there. |FListed|
  • Movies that are better in the theater. |UnrealityMag|

henryandglenn

[Billy Zane via ThatisSoGay]

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