"SHUT YOUR EYES! HIS SPARKLING PENIS IS LIKE STARING DIRECTLY INTO THE SUN!"

Breaking Dawn (aka Snorkels the Vampire Fetus) is famously Stephenie Meyer’s most batsh*t book (which is saying something). So when The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn (PART ONE) trailer premiered at the MTV Movie Awards last night (the same night as the Spike Guy’s Choice Awards — what will I not watch first!), we were hoping to see some snorkeling vampires, vampire c-sections, werewolf-on-CGI-telepathic-vampire-fetus love, or any of the awesomely ridiculous plot elements from Breaking Dawn.  Turns out they went pretty minimal with it (would you believe the director of this has an Oscar?).  But even though the bed-smashing vampire honeymoon sex and spine-severing fetal cramps are only hinted at, it’s still delightfully ridiculous. (Great sentence, or the greatest sentence?).  We’ve got your breakdown.

Read the rest of this entry »

Part one of the final chapter of Twilight, Breaking Dawn, aka Snorkels the Vampire Fetus, opens in November, featuring Edward the chaste vampire finally consummating his inexplicable love for his sullen, charmless bride (ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS EAT HER, BUT HE CAN’T, BECAUSE HER SMELL DRIVES HIM CRAZY).  But already, images of Stephenie Meyer’s childlike notions of romance that she saw in a perfume commercial are all over the web.  “Oh, Bella, when we finally touch I’m going to French you so hard.  This is going to be the Frenchiest French kiss in the history of French, numnumnumnumnum…”

Anyway, here’s a bunch of new pictures from the movie, courtesy of the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, the most important news magazine in the universe.  But I must warn you, most of them are the boring, Stephenie Meyer Superego part of the story that looks like a corny Mervin’s ad, not the awesome Stephenie Meyers id stuff with the broken wombs, severed spines, telepathic vampire fetuses, and werewolf-on-baby man love.  I like that stuff a lot better.

Read the rest of this entry »

As a Thanksgiving present, Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn director Bill Condon shared the above picture on Twitter, the first picture from the movie version of Breaking Dawn, the last chapter of Stephenie Meyer’s shirtless dude-filled abstinence parable.

Without context, it’s hard to know what the hell it is.  But history tells us that Breaking Dawn is the book where Edward and Bella get married and go snorkeling in Brazil for their honeymoon, and since they’re married and can finally bang (the institution of marriage being very important to 110-year-old vampires), they finally have sex, and Edward’s super-vampire-powered crotch thrusts break the bed and knock Bella unconscious.  (The “Dawn” in the title presumably refers to Bella’s hymen).  Ergo, the above picture is most likely an unconscious Bella holding a handful of feathers from when Edward destroyed her bed and vagina. See how much hotter the sex is if you wait, sinner?  Reactions from the Twihards included:

MollieVX
THIS is soooooo AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!

Codster27
Wow I can’t wait!!! Where are the bruises??

tayannegamboa
I can’t wait to see this scene and all honeymoon scenes!!

makitalove
omg !!!! thanks for this………ahhhhhhhhhhhh

BellaReyCRP
OMG!!!!!!!!!! thank you SO MUCH! GOD! :P it’s just perfect!!!! thanks thanks thanks! :D

eleripilliroog
I seriously screamed when i saw this , OMT  [Oh My Twilight? -Ed.]

Yasmiintjeuuh
were are the bruises?

behleen_
OMG!!!! that’s is amazing !! we need that pillows
*scream*

xTwilightPaulax
OMG! OMG! Bill you have NO idea what you are doing to us *SCREAM**SCREAM* I. CAN’T. WAIT.

You’ll have to excuse their excitement, it’s just that few of them have ever seen a bed not covered in cat fur.  I just hope someone makes me a felt Bella hymen to match my womb.

Read the rest of this entry »

If you watched Kinsey or Dreamgirls or Gods and Monster (for which Bill Condon won an Oscar for best adapted screenplay), you probably thought, “Gee, that’s great, but where are the snorkeling vampires, the c-sections, the wolf-on-baby love affairs?”  Well you’re in luck, because Summit has officially announced that Condon will direct the final chapter in the Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn, as translated from Stephenie Meyer’s original elementary schoolese.  How say you, press release?

“Bringing Stephenie Meyer’s ‘Breaking Dawn’ to the screen requires a graceful and intelligent hand and we believe Bill Condon is exactly the right steward, having shown equal and abundant talents of immense creativity and subtle sensitivity,” said Erik Feig, President of Production and Acquisitions, for Summit Entertainment.

Added author Stephenie Meyer, “I’m so thrilled that Bill wants to work with us. I think he’s going to be a great fit, and I’m excited to see what he does with the material.”

“I’m very excited to get the chance to bring the climax of this saga to life on-screen. As fans of the series know, this is a one-of-a-kind book – and we’re hoping to create an equally unique cinematic experience,” said Bill Condon.

Yes, it takes a certain grace and a subtle sensitivity (as opposed to my own brand of overbearing, ostentatious sensitivity) to bring to the big screen a book with such plot points as:

The baby has telepathy, by the way, so everybody can read its thoughts while it’s in the womb, and it turns out to have an essentially adult mind. …In a moment that demands to be shown on the silver screen, Edward gives Bella an emergency C-section with his teeth.

Oh, let’s not forget the challenge of filming the baby itself:

The other challenge of course is Renesmee [Editor's Note: AHAHAHAHA!], Bella’s half-vampire, half-human daughter who is able to read, talk, run and hunt despite being a toddler. Producer Wyck Godfrey says “It’s certainly going to be visual effects in some capacity along with an actor. I wouldn’t be surprised if it ends up being a full CG creation, but it also may be a human shot on a soundstage that then is used to shrink down.”

So basically, an Academy Award winner is directing the sparkly vampire version of Little Man.   How could that not be awesome?  I can’t wait to see how Kristen Stewart decides to play the scene in which her unborn vampire baby severs her spine.  Ten bucks says she plays it like really bad heartburn.  She’s such a subtly sensitive actress.

I knew as soon as I promised that Chocolate Pattinson would be my last Twilight story of the day that God would probably f*ck me like the Virgin Mary, and so it is.  I apologize, but I have to report this.  The story is that Bill Condon, director of critical darlings Kinsey and Dreamgirls, is supposedly close to a deal to direct the final Twilight book about snorkeling vampires, telepathic adult fetuses who become love interests for wolves, and vampire teeth c-sections.  Lol wut?

Summit Entertainment hasn’t signed him for Breaking Dawn yet, but I’m told that after several strong meetings, they are negotiating.  Shooting will begin in the fall, and I heard the plan is to shoot two films back to back.

Presumably, Condon would do this as his next project, and push back the picture he had planned to direct. That’s an adaptation of Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, which he was putting together to be distributed by Fox Searchlight. Hollywood hasn’t given Summit its due on the Twilight pictures. Like them or not, these pictures have been better than they had to be, given the ferocious fan base. They are exciting movies with a fresh contemporary feel. [Deadline]

Uhhh, did the Deadline guy just admit to owning 20 cats?  Much as I like to make fun of Twilight, I never wanted to jump on the Twilight sucks bandwagon just because it was a chick flick.  But now that it’s on cable… have you actually seen it?  It’s terrible.  I can’t imagine something further from “exciting movie.”  They never really bond in any meaningful way, they just immediately “fall in love” and spend the entire rest of the movie acting sullen and awkward and emo about everything, especially around each other.  If that’s supposed to be romantic, then your idea of romance is saying pompous things and never really knowing each other.  Fine if you’re 12, but if you’re reading these books past the age of 16, sorry, you’re a f*cking idiot.