A while back, I brought you the incredible-but-true news of WWE wrestler Big Show’s debut as a leading man in Knucklehead, a film about a retarded orphan who fights MMA to save the church’s orphanage.  It’s a premise ripped from the comments section of this very website.  Tragically, the film is going direct to DVD later this month.  Happily, we can still watch the trailer!  It stars Melora Hardin (aka Jan from The Office) making this face, and features a fart joke, a melvin joke, an implied gay-sex joke, and a really fake-looking bear, all in the same trailer.  It’s important to note, however, (*RECORD SCRATCH*), that it does not contain a record scratch (*sad trombone*).

As with most awesome direct-to-DVD movies, the trailer and actual movie are only about half the fun.  The other half is going to the IMDB page and going down the rabbit hole of the crew’s past credits.  My favorite finds this time include the news that Knucklehead director Michael W. Watkins once directed a pilot for the AWESOMELY TITLED “5ive Days to Midnight.”  That’s right, 5ive. We puttin’ numbers in our letter now, gramps, represent.

“College professor J.T. Neumeyer has five days to solve a murder… his own.”

BOOM! I just got a thrill-boner — how did that not get picked up?  Meanwhile, Knucklehead writers Bear Aderhold and Tom Sullivan currently have three credits to their name: this retarded church MMA movie starring Big Show, the Larry the Cable Guy vehicle Delta Farce, and Bill Engvall’s Bait Shop.  These guys… walk… though… the rain drops.

Please, please, pleeeeease tell me that the moral of the retarded church MMA story is that Jesus didn’t tap.

I hope you all have a good excuse for not bringing this film to my attention sooner, because watching this trailer was a truly transcendent moment. It’s like a koala bear crapped a double rainbow inside my brain.  Luckily GreatWhiteSnark was around to bring it to my attention.  Anyway, it’s called Little Hercules 3D, and let me see if I can imagine the pitch:

• Start with Little Hercules, aka Richard Sandrak, now 17 years old and not really that buff anymore, and give him a dollar-store Hercules outfit
• Add Hulk Hogan, and the entire Hogan clan, including the stupid one sporting a stupid mohawk
• Give him a black sidekick.  Wait, no.  Move him in with a black family (call Robin Givens) so he can learn how to dance hip hop and talk street
• Throw in a pinch of WWE’s Big Show
• JUDD NELSON.
• ???
• Profit.

Perhaps I’m being a little too harsh. We all did some things we aren’t proud of back in the early 2000s… Wait, what’s that?  This movie was filmed in 2009 and went straight to DVD three months ago? (Though it does appear to have theatrical distribution in the Czech Republic). That is… trippy.  Now, I know what you’re probably thinking: isn’t a little strange to be shooting a direct-to-DVD film in 3D?  Not necessarily.  3D televisions do exist, and who would own them if not members of the same socioeconomic class that would be renting Little Hercules, starring Judd Nelson and Big Show?  The audience for this probably has one in every room.

I’ve posted trailers for 12 Rounds and The Tooth Fairy, and just when I thought WWE’s movie projects couldn’t get any worse… THEY TOTALLY REDEEM THEMSELVES!

[In "Knucklehead"], WWE Superstar, Paul “Big Show” Wight plays Walter Krunk, a 7-foot-tall, 440-pound naïve giant who was raised in the St. Thomas Orphanage and never left – until he takes to the road with Eddie and Mary.

Shortly after Eddie loses his new fighter and finds himself $50,000 in debt to longtime nemesis and bookie Memphis Earl (DENNIS FARINA), he discovers Walter, a bumbling life-long resident of the orphanage-turned-handyman with his own debt problems: The kitchen fire Walter caused will close down the church’s orphanage in a week unless he comes up with $50,000. Upon overhearing Walter’s predicament, Eddie convinces the no-nonsense head nun, Sister Francesca (WENDY MALICK) that Walter can win the $100,000 grand prize at the tournament to pay off the church’s debts. But in order to do so, he will need to take Walter on the road, enter amateur fights along the way, and teach him how to become a real fighter. [via WWE Corporate via MMAMania]

That’s right, a retarded giant fights MMA in order save the church orphanage – PLUS – no Cam Gigandet.  It might be the world’s most perfect premise. However, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that the exact phrase “retard MMA” has appeared in the FilmDrunk comments section no less than 34 times, the first going back to December 2007.  See also: my January 2008 headline “WILL MMA SAVE THE REC CENTER?“  Where’s our money, Vince McMahon?

Tagline: MMA: So easy a retarded church orphan could do it.