It didn’t seem to bode well for the movie, when in the first trailer for Your Highness, the centerpiece joke was a guy falling down.  The red-band trailer was a huge improvement, but even in that, Natalie Portman’s butt sort of stole the show.  You can hardly blame them, she’s an Oscar winner.  If I made a movie with Meryl Streep’s bush in it, it wouldn’t matter what it was about, Meryl Streep’s bush would be the selling point.  Maybe even the name of my first born.  In any case, early word is that Your Highness does indeed have stuff besides Natalie Portman’s butt in it, and 85% of that stuff is cow boners.   As Danny McBride recently told Opie and Anthony:

“We have a minotaur hard-on in the film.  …And it’s full hard.  There is a rape scene with a minotaur and a man.  You see the minotaur… get his sh*t going.  You apparently can’t show a male hard-on, but since this was a minotaur, we said it was the bull which was getting turned on.  Because the bull is the bottom half.  You can get away with that if it’s creature hard-ons.”

I’ve admitted this before, but one of my ultimate guilty pleasure movies is Freddy Got Fingered, which probably has a lot to do with seeing it when I was really high.  And of course the signature scene in that film is Tom Green holding up an erect horse penis shouting, “Daddy, I’m a farmer!”  I guess what I’m trying to say is that if your film has big erect farm animal penises, my only question is where to buy popcorn.  Wow, you can practically hear my graduate school professors beaming with pride right now.

[thanks to Robopanda for the tip]

While here in the states, we’re gearing up for Mark Wahlberg’s probably Oscar-winning performance in The Fighter, aka Boogie Fights, opening in December, our backward cousins across the pond are only just now premiering The Other Guys, probably between powdering their wigs and weaving merkins for their sheep.  In what promises to be the most important news story of the day, during his Other Guys press rounds, Marky Mark revealed to British reporters that he us ed to slap his friends in the face with the prosthetic penis he wore in Boogie Nights.

The former undercrackers model ['undercrackers'? 'UNDERCRACKERS??!' Okay, now you're just inventing fake slang to F with us.] played a porn star in the 1997 movie and famously revealed the oversized manhood in the film’s final scene.
Now The Other Guys star has confessed that he pinched the 13 inch prosthetic penis from the set and used it to shock his mates.
He said: “I used to keep it in my desk drawer. And I’d take it out and slap my friends in the face with it.
“I don’t keep many things from my movies, but that just seemed to have personal significance.” [TheSun]

Hey, Mahky, stawp hittin’ me with yoah wienah, wouldja?  Ya almost spilled my chowdah!  I mean heah I am, watchin’ da Sawx, tryna eat some chowdah, and this hahd on keeps hittin me wit his fake wienah.  What is yoah prawblem?  I don’t like ya fake cawk, Mahky! GET THAT IN YOAH HEAD!

Anyway, I think the important thing to remember here, ladies, is that the penis was a prosthetic, and in no way representative of real life.  In fact, according to my research, the Boogie Nights prosthesis was actually four to seven times bigger than the largest recorded penis size in human science.  FACT.

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Totally talented but definitely not gay actor Kevin Spacey and his definitely not boyfriend with a popped collar and matching shoes were just hanging out the other day, doin what bros do.  Namely, staring at The Big Penis book, a coffee table book about big penises.  Many thanks to RoboPanda, who also directs us to an Amazon review of said literature…

Oh dear. I am a 70-year-old woman and I just happened across this big penis book in my son’s room. My son is 45 years old and still single. I think he might be gay. That said, his big penis book is now in my room under my bed. So now my 45-year-old single son is probably gay and angry. Well, he should get a job anyway or at least go find some real penis and stop reading about them in books like this. Good Lord this is a big penis book. And I love a big penis. And so does my son, apparently. I give this book ten thumbs up. I can’t believe I never knew he was gay. He should get a job. Maybe as a dancer. Anyway, if you like a big penis, you will like this big penis book. Lord there are big penis’s in this book. I mean big. Oh dear.

I know what you’re thinking, but Kevin Spacey is 49, you jerks.  And I’m not in The Big Penis book.  I was, uh, busy that day.  They definitely called me though.  I was probably the first person they thought of.