Big Mommas (NO APOSTROPHE, IT’S PLURAL THIS TIME!): Like Father Like Son is currently drawing an impressive 0% rating on RottenTomatoes.   As a sidenote, the other day TheFilmStage discovered that Martin Lawrence hadn’t had a “Fresh” movie on RottenTomatoes in 21 years.  The last one to get above 50% was House Party in 1990.  Two surprising things about that: (1) Martin Lawrence was in House Party. (2) House Party was 95% recommended on RottenTomatoes.  Seriously.  House Party.

I digress, but my assumption was that because it was so universally reviled, Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son would make a great candidate for our plot-recreated-using-expository-review-quotes game.  Two problems arose: First, the movie didn’t screen for critics in most places (oh God please let Armond White review it eventually), and second, it soon became clear that nothing at all interesting happened in this movie. Nonetheless, thanks to a herculean, borderline miraculous effort on my part, I was able to pull two amazing quotes.

“Faizon Love is the roly poly maintenance man with an eye for Big Momma’s big thighs.” -Orlando Sentinel

Faizon Love apparently chose to go uncredited in the part of “Kurtis Kool*,” but anyone who so much as saw the poster knew Faizon Love had to be in there.  Anything else would be grounds for a refund.  And finally, probably my favorite quote of any review ever, which comes to us by way of The Hollywood Reporter.

“The moral here is if you slap a dress on a guy, they will come.”

Wow.  This suddenly sounds pretty ground breaking for a mainstream film.

*I don’t want to get racial here, but isn’t naming a black guy “Kurtis Kool” basically like naming an Italian guy Guiseppe Pizzapie?

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According to a report by BoxOfficeMojo, 2011 will feature the release of 27 sequels, an all-time high (the previous high was 24, in 2003).  That number doesn’t include remakes, movies based on toys (Stretch Armstrong), or movies based on board games (Battleship), but on the plus side, it *does* include Johnny English Reborn.  Yay, Mr. Bean!  I like the part where he makes silly faces!

Of the 27 sequels, nine are second movies (Cars 2, Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2: Rodrick Rules, The Hangover Part II, Happy Feet 2, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Johnny English Reborn, Kung Fu Panda 2, Piranha 3DD [!], Sherlock Holmes 2), up from eight in 2010. Five are third movies (Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked [!!], Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Madea’s Big Happy Family, Paranormal Activity 3, Transformers: Dark of the Moon), down from seven in 2010.

Deeper cut sequels will be well represented all the way up to No. 8. There’ll be the highest number of fourth movies ever, tallying five (Mission: Impossible Ghost Protocol, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Scream 4, Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn (Part One)). Fifth movies will also have their largest showing yet, numbering five (Fast Five, Final Destination 5, Puss in Boots, X-Men: First Class, Winnie the Pooh) [I initially read this as "X-Men: First Class: Winnie the Pooh," which I like better]. There will also technically be two seventh movies (The Muppets, Rise of the Apes) and one mighty eighth entry (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two). (None of this is counting New Year’s Eve, which may or may not be a sequel to Valentine’s Day, or The Thing, which may be a prequel.)

Ugh.  27 sequels.  The only way that could be worse is if it was a Katherine Heigl movie.  I think I speak for everyone here when I say “Ah, catfarts!”

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Finally we have the trailer for the most anticipated film of the year, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son.  Critics are already calling it the least Tyler Perry fat suit comedy of the year.  It’s actually the third Big Momma’s House movie, but they couldn’t very well call it Big Momma’s House 3 and have people thinking it’s just some cheap retread of the first two movies, now could they.  It stars Brandon T. Jackson (Alpa Chino from Tropic Thunder) as Martin Lawrence’s son, who (*RECORD SCRATCH*), has to go undercover as a fat lady for some reason.  Judging by the two nutshots in the trailer, this might be the zaniest movie of the year.  Wait, did I say TWO NUTSHOTS IN THE TRAILER zany?  I did, friends.  I did indeed.

Oh, Faizon Love, you complete me, you big teddy bear.

Fox takes a novel approach to picking projects: they lay hundreds of scripts on the ground and have the CEO put his forehead on a bat and spin around until he’s dizzy, and then try to run to the far end.  Whichever script he trips over, that’s the movie they make, and everyone barks like seals.

Martin Lawrence is returning to his signature comedy [!] franchise ‘Big Momma’s House,” and will be joined by Brandon T. Jackson [at least it's not Nick Cannon].  In the latest adventure, FBI Agent Malcolm Turner and his 17-year-old nephew, Trent, go undercover at an all-girls performing arts school after Trent witnesses a murder.  Posing as Big Momma and Charmaine, they must find the murderer before he finds them.  Insiders say the filmmakers don’t want the threequel to be titled “Big Momma’s House 3.” [Variety]

I like how Variety uses threequel as if it’s a real word. Anyway, I’m pretty sure I can predict how this will go down: Martin Lawrence slips on a banana peel and breaks his high heel.  As he tries to hide the run in his pantyhose, he turns to Brandon T. Jackson in drag and says, “I’m too old for this sh-t.”  Enter the WB frog, they all soft shoe out of frame, aaaand scene.

(Sorry, I didn’t have a picture of the actual screenwriter, and I just thought… oh nevermind.)

Folks, even with all the retarded crap I have to write about every day, it’s not often that I legitimately smack myself in the face whilst researching a story.  This was one of those stories.  It started with the news that Walden Media is producing Gene, a script from Randi Mayem Singer about… you guessed it, a male genie.  They call it “a modern take on the classic genie story.”  And in this context, I guess “modern” means that this time the genie’s not Shaq.  Now, if the name Randi Mayem Singer sounds familiar, it’s because she’s also responsible for:

• The Tooth Fairy, starring The Rock
• Big Momma’s House 3

But wait, it gets better!  Today I learned that she’s also working on — and gird your loins, because this may be one of the dumbest f’cking things I’ve ever had to type — a sitcom for The CW with Will and Jada Pinkett Smith called… M.I.L.F. and Cookies.  That’s right, “Mom I’d Like to F’ck and Cookies.”  If that doesn’t say family-friendly sitcom, I don’t know what does.  Description:

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