^{(Sparklebomb’d!)}

Nicholas Sparks is a writer of weepy romance fiction who, if Nicholas Sparks is to be believed, is has more talent in his WWJD bracelet than Cormac McCarthy has in his entire collection of archaic dictionaries. Past Sparks books to be made into movies include A Walk to Remember, Nights in Rodanthe, and that one with Miley Cyrus and the sea turtles and the raccoons.  Sparks recently wrote a thriller, and with such a successful track record, it’s no surprise to hear that a bidding war for the movie rights is about to begin.

Anyway, the book’s called “Safe Haven” and it carries the tagline, “in the darkest hour, love is the only true safe haven.”  (Yeah, tell that to a guy being chased by a bear).

When a mysterious young woman named Katie appears in the small North Carolina town of Southport, her sudden arrival raises questions about her past. Katie seems determined to avoid forming personal ties until a series of events draws her into two reluctant relationships: one with Alex, a widowed store owner with a kind heart and another with her plainspoken single neighbor, Jo. Despite her reservations, Katie slowly begins to let down her guard.

But even as Katie begins to fall in love, she struggles with the dark secret that still haunts and terrifies her . . . a past that set her on a fearful, shattering journey across the country, to the sheltered oasis of Southport. With Jo’s support, Katie eventually realizes that she must choose between a life of transient safety and one of riskier rewards . . . and that in the darkest hour, love is the only true safe haven. [NicholasSparks via Playlist]

I kid, but I actually love this Nick Sparks stuff. Writing Plot-Recreated-With-Reviews posts for his movies is the most fun I ever have at this job. Oh boy,  I wonder what Katie’s dark secret will be!  Haunted by her nephew’s fatal go-kart accident, did she turn down a hackey-sack scholarship to Vassar?  Or maybe she’s a disgraced former paddleboat champion with a full ride to Sarah Lawrence and a head full of bee-sting memories.  Oooh, I can’t wait!

The other day in a radio interview, the host was asking me about Hollywood’s hard-on for remakes and movies about toys. “What’s next?” the host asked me, “A movie about Pong!?”  That’s right, the most preposterously retarded idea he could think of is almost identical to an idea Universal considers good enough to spend millions of dollars on.

Universal has won a four-studio bidding war to pick up the film rights to the classic Atari video game “Asteroids.” Matthew Lopez will write the script for the feature adaptation, which will be produced by Lorenzo di Bonaventura.  [Lopez recently worked Bedtime Stories and wrote the latest draft of The Sorcerer's Apprentice, while Di Bonaventura bears responsibility for G.I. Joe.]
In “Asteroids,” initially released as an arcade game in 1979, a player controlled a triangular space ship in an asteroid field. The object was to shoot and destroy the hulking masses of rock and the occasional flying saucer while avoiding smashing into both. [THR]

A F*CKING BIDDING WAR.  For a movie based on three dots that shoot one dot at other small clusters of dots.  If you can think of anything stupider than this… someone in Hollywood will pay you a lot of money.  GREAT NEWS, EVERYONE, TOM CRUISE JUST SIGNED ON TO PLAY BLINKING LIGHT NUMBER FOUR!  SOMEONE FINGER MY ASSHOLE SO I KNOW I’M NOT DREAMING!

Related Asylum Poll: Which Atari game SHOULD be a movie?