As if the news couldn’t get any worse, Beverly Hills Chihuahua was number one at the box office for the second straight week, and of course it was all because of shitty mortgages.

“Beverly Hills Chihuahua” is the only light comedy in a market heavy on drama. Chuck Viane, Disney’s head of distribution, said movie-goers may be turning to the perky pooch to help forget the market free-fall on Wall Street.

“This is only word-of-mouth coming back to us from theaters. I don’t have any statistical proof. But they’re telling us we’re getting more unaccompanied-by-children adults coming on their own. They’re looking for a little entertainment,” Viane said. “The axiom we’ve always lived by is funny is money. People come out for comedy. They love to sit back and let someone give them a couple of hours of escapism.” (full top ten after the jump)

People are seeing Beverly Hills Chihuahua alone.  To cheer themselves up.  That’s the saddest f-cking thing I’ve ever heard.  I could lose my house, my family, my looks, my dick, and the use of my limbs, and at the end of the day, there’s no way rapping chihuahuas are gonna put me in a better mood.

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On Friday I scoffed at the analysts predicting a $30 million dollar weekend for Beverly Hills Chihuahua.  Today I was vindicated by results showing that it only tallied 29.  Of course, that was still good enough for the number one spot.  Hmm, I wonder if people will use a lame play on words to report this…

CNN: Beverly Hills Chihuahua barks up right tree

Reuters: Chihuahua best in show at US Box Office

Reuters Alt: Chihuahua has paws on box office prize

AP: Audiences adopt Chihuahua with $29M weekend

NY Times: A dog has its days

Times of the Internet: Chihuahua is top dog

MSNBC: Box office goes to dogs

Comingsoon.net: Moviegoers pant over Chihuahua pic

NorthbyNorthwestern: Ay Chihuahua!

Screenhead: Beverly Hills Chihuahua leads the pack

Ace Showbiz: Beverly Hills Chihuahua cementing its pawn in box office [wait, wha??]

Orlando Sentinel: Tiny but mighty! Chihuahuas rule the BO roost [You're doing it wrong!]

Meanwhile, about 85% of the reviews called it “a real dog”.  My headline: “Reporters sniff each other’s assholes, charmingly unashamed.”

Full top ten after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

Beverly Hills Chihuahua opens today.  I plan on seeing it here:

Yep, it’s come to this folks.  Says Hollywood Reporter: “It’s looking like a dog of a weekend at the box office. Disney’s dog, to be exact, as the studio unspools “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” amid expectations that the live-action with talking dogs feature could fetch up to $30 million during its opening weekend.”

“Unspool”?  Where was your cutesy dog-related verb on that one?  Anyway, I say $20 million, tops.  Still, this is a movie about f-cking rapping chihuahuas we’re talking about here. God help us. Also opening:

Blindness: City of God director Fernando Meirelles’ parable about the blind leading the blind, being protested by the blind.

An American Carol: Chris Farley’s brother is in a movie for some reason.

Flash of Genius: Greg Kinnear presents: Real Flash of Geeeee-niu-uuss / Mr. Inventor-of-the-Intermittent Windshield-Wiper-Guy…

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People: Simon Pegg, Kirsten Dunst, and Megan Fox star in a movie where someone works at a fashion magazine.  At this point, I’m pretty sure there are more movies about people who work at a fashion mag than there are fashion mags.

Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist: “Norah”?  No one’s named Norah anymore.  They just picked that because it alliterated.  Strangely, “Norah’s” is “Sharon” backwards.

[video via ScreenJunkies]

This video (what would happen if Sarah Palin was a Disney movie??) is everywhere today so I might as well post it.  Seriously though, guys, be careful about giving them ideas, especially with a clever name.  These are after all the same people who made Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Retards don’t know they’re being made fun of, they just enjoy the attention.

[CollegeHumor]

George Lopez recently took a page from Dane Cook’s playbook, apologizing for his part in the Beverly Hills Chihuahua trailer, which was loathesome enough to spawn an its own New York Times article, and an entire YouTube category devoted to reaction videos.

“If you’ve seen the trailer, it’s either the greatest trailer you’ve ever seen if you’re 10, or the most annoying trailer you’ve ever witnessed in your life if you’re an adult,” Lopez confessed, laughing. “Disney’s doing a fantastic job of hooking the kids — they can’t wait. And if they hook the kids? The parents GOTTA take them!”

(Sample line from trailer’s song: “We’re the real hot dogs. Yo! Hold the bun.”)

10-year-old kids think anything is the most amazing thing they’ve ever seen.  I saw a bullfrong jump in a pond once when I was 10 and almost had an orgasm.  I think it’s pretty safe to say you could lock up the 10-year-old kid audience without making something that inspires people to buy annoying yapdogs.  In fact I have a movie pitch for you, it’s called Beverly Hills Paint My House.