After Battleship bombed and Universal mostly nixed their plans for a bunch of board game movies (notably Stretch Armstrong, starring Taylor Lautner), you might have thought this toys-becoming-movies trend was on its way out. It’s too bad Sony’s still picking up Universal’s sloppy seconds, and after announcing that Happy Madison would produce a Candyland movie back in January, today, the House That Sandler’s Flunkies Built has been announced as a partner to Sony and Hasbro in producing a Tonka Truck movie. Huh, I wonder if there’ll be any product placement.

The press release, via Collider:

TONKA, the Hasbro brand that for 65 years has stood for its line of toy trucks for children, will bring its TONKA toughness to the big screen in a fully animated motion picture to be produced by Sony Pictures Animation, Hasbro and Happy Madison Productions.

The new TONKA project strengthens the growing ties between Sony Pictures and Hasbro, following the announcements that Sony Pictures is developing motion pictures based on Hasbro’s RISK and CANDY LAND brands. CANDY LAND is also a Happy Madison project.

[The project] will be written by Fred Wolf [SNL's TV Funhouse].

I seriously hope that Hasbro is paying Sony this time, instead of the other way around. The idea that a movie studio would PAY for the privilege of making them a 90-minute toy commercial is mind boggling, and I don’t boggle lightly. In any case, I eagerly await the sound of a trailer announcer’s voice shouting, Starring KEVIN JAMES, as FARTY THE GARBAGE TRUCK!

In the build-up to Terminator Salvation, McG was saying all the right things (actual quote: “It’s going to knock your f*ckin balls up your ass”).  He acknowledged that most people probably thought of him as the Charlie’s Angels guy, and the self-awareness he demonstrated almost had us believing that he was more than a one-named douche who used to direct Korn videos.  At least, until we actually saw the movie.  Fast-forward to today, and he’s through pretending to be more than a paycheck director.  A 90-minute commercial for a board game?  Long as the check clears, homey.

McG is the choice to direct Ouija, the Universal Pictures supernatural action adventure that will follow Battleship as the next Hasbro branded property to move into production. Scripted by Tron: Legacy writers Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis, the film is being produced by Hasbro’s Brian Goldner and Bennett Schneir along with Platinum Dunes partners Michael Bay, Brad Fuller and Andrew Form. Production will begin by the summer, for release November 12, 2012. McG’s about to begin negotiations.

The big-scale movie has had directors circling it since October, after Universal  moved back the Rob Letterman-directed Taylor Lautner-attached Stretch Armstrong‘s start date, making Ouija the next Hasbro pic to follow Battleship, which opens May 18, 2012.

McG is in post-production on the Fox comedy This Means War, which stars Tom Hardy, Reese Witherspoon and Chris Pine. |Deadline|

That’s right, Hollywood has doubled down on board game movies, all based on the idea that because Transformers was a hit, and it was based on a toy, than why not other toy movies?  Fool proof logic!!  QUICK, GET ME A SCRIPT FOR ‘TOASTER’, THE NAME RECOGNITION IS OFF THE CHARTS!  It’s sad that it’ll just be the companies’ stock prices that take the hit, because everyone named in this story deserves to lose a million dollars each.

Stretch Armstrong is SO not impressed with the Human Torch's flaming ability

Well this is some shocking news.  When the studio hired Steve Oedekerk (Evan Almighty, Barnyard, Patch Adams) to write their Taylor Lautner-starring Stretch Armstrong 3D movie, I naturally assumed he’d be the last writer they’d ever need.  I mean, come on, Evan Almighty!  Bizarrely, they felt a rewrite of Oedekerk’s script was in order, so they hired Forgetting Sarah Marshall director Nicholas Stoller.  They also hired Monsters Vs. Aliens director Rob Letterman (who’s currently working with Stoller on Gulliver’s Travels) to direct.  Brian Grazer will produce, along with Dickensian villains Brian Goldner and Bennet Schneir from Hasbro.

I don’t know what the hell Nick Stoller is doing rewriting a Stretch Armstrong movie starring Taylor Lautner, but hey, it’s a paycheck, I guess.  I supposed I’d liken the writer of Stretch Armstrong to the person you’d hire to scrub semen off the booths at a peep show.  At the beginning, you hire some retarded kid, someone who doesn’t know any better, to soak up those really big, encrusted glops of jizz (the retarded jizz-glop-soaker in Stretch Armstrong‘s case being Steve Oedekerk). Once that part’s done, say you want to sell the place or whatever, then you can spend a little more money on a professional detailer like Nick Stoller.  He’s probably still gonna get a little spunk residue on his sponge (unless you found a really good retard, like a hybrid autistic retard, say), and it’s not something he’ll want to put on his resume… But hey, the economy, am I right?

[via ComingSoon]

(Meet Retard Pig, Chief of Board Game Property Acquisitions at Sony)

Amazing.  After View-Master, Battleship, Candyland, and Monopoly were bought as movie properties, you’d think the people involved would be tarred, feathered, and exiled to Dr. Moreau’s Island O’ Dipsh-ts.  But this is Hollywood, so instead everyone copied them.  Like Sony, who just bought Risk, the game of world domination.

Property, which pits players against one another in a quest to annex all of the world’s territories, has become desirable thanks to the box office success of the Paramount adaptations of Hasbro’s Transformers and G.I. Joe.

Risk is like Transformers because…. uh… they’re both toys?  Kids play with them both?  By that logic, my penis is a video game.

“The strategic thinking and the tactical gambles that players must take in the game are what make Risk a classic, thoroughly engaging game,” said Columbia prexy Doug Belgrad. “Those elements translated into an action-packed, thrilling story are what will make this a uniquely exciting movie.” [Variety]

Here, I’ve got something for you to option.  It’s the word “adventure.”  This is a proven property that’s sure to be a great movie, all you have to do is write it.

Optioning board games as movie properties is the most idiotic trend since the Easter Island natives cut down all their trees to make giant head statues and had to eat each other.