After the jump, it’s the newly-released trailer for Richard Ayoade’s Submarine, “presented by Ben Stiller and The Weinstein Company.”  What does “presented by” mean, exactly?  I believe it’s what happens when a name actor/director who isn’t involved with the production of a film nonetheless likes it enough to put his or her name on it, much like Beyoncé when she puts rings on things. Anyway, Submarine is a quirky, indie, youth romance dramedy (BUZZWORDS! PORTMANTEAUS!) that everyone seems to love.  Like, literally everyone.  It’s currently tracking 100% on RottenTomatoes, based on 32 reviews.   It opens June 3rd in the US, but it looks like a tough sell to me, and I say this as someone who will defend Rushmore, Youth in Revolt, or Scott Pilgrim to the death (or at least to the wrestling match).  Even I’m getting a little tired of repressed, articulate, precocious, intellectual youths.  Especially ones getting laid all the time.  What, did I not wear enough ugly suits?  F*ck.
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Ben Stiller and Robert Deniro’s embarrassing paycheck movie, Little Fockers opens this weekend. I took one look at the trailer and saw that filmmakers thought the fact that “Focker” kind of sounds like “F*cker” was a strong enough joke that they re-used it five times in two minutes and figured it’d be okay for me to sit this one out.  Many of my film critic colleagues, however, aren’t content with simply assuming that hitting one’s penis with a framing hammer will be painful, and had to find out the boner way. I mean hard.  But thanks to those heroes, we can now play the Plot Recreated with Reviews game.

You know how this works: we recreate the plot using only expository quotes — NO ANALYSIS! — from the poor sad bastards who had to sit through it.

ACT I

Nothing much has changed in the household of Gaylord Focker except that everyone is a few years older. [StarTribune]

Jack, who now suffers from serious heart palpitations, is obsessed with finding a successor to his “throne.”  [WashingtonPost]

“Are you ready to be the GodFocker?” he demands. [StarTribune]

Jack decides Greg is having an affair with pharmaceutical rep Andi Garcia… [FilmSchoolRejects]

…[with whom] Greg is working closely peddle Sustengo, an erectile dysfunction pill… [WashingtonPost]

… and who we’re supposed to believe becomes instantly smitten with Stiller after helping him give an anal probe to an elderly patient. [JoBlo]

She shows up at male nurse Focker’s hospital, inexplicably signs him up to give speeches on her erectile-dysfunction drug, then strips down to her undies and jumps him. [NYPost]

Bernie Focker (Dustin Hoffman), struck with a bout of “manopause,” has fled to Spain to study flamenco dancing, while Dina Byrnes (Blythe Danner) is experimenting with kinky role play in hopes of spicing up her and Jack’s sex life. Greg has to impress the headmaster of a snooty private school (Laura Dern) where he wants his children to go. [WashingtonPost]

Owen Wilson hangs around again as the golden best friend to flirt with Greg’s wife again (accidentally, he got a giant back tattoo of her). [NYPost]

After the jump, you’ll find the brand new trailer for Little Fockers. The third trailer, to be exact. If you’ll remember, everything about this movie was looking like a work thermos full of chunky stool, so Universal tried to fix it by bringing back Dustin Hoffman.  It totally worked, because now it’s hilarious!

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“Thinking of seeing Little Fockers?  Poke yourself in the eyes like Three Stooges,” he seems to be saying.  Sage advice, Robert DeNiro, sage advice indeed.

[New posters via Yahoo]

I feel like I’m sweating red bulls and fondling my crotch to the beat of house music today, because Brett Ratner’s hot new project just got more hotter.  Ya boy Alfred Itchcock’s Tower Heist just added Eddie Murphy to the cast.  The Rat Man production will hopefully continue Murphy’s string of hits that now includes, Norbit, Imagine That, and the incomparable Meet Dave, and will give him someone with whom to swap tranny stories on set.

Eddie Murphy is set to join Ben Stiller and Alan Alda in Tower Heist, the Brett Ratner-directed caper film for Universal Pictures. Murphy has been mentioned as a possible participant going back to the film’s original configuration as an African American version of Ocean’s Eleven, when it was called Trump Heist. Trump was dropped as was that casting equation, and now, the storyline deals with operations and maintenance workers in a luxury Manhattan high-rise whose pension funds were looted by a Bernie Madoff-like  Wall Street crook, who is living high style in a penthouse apartment, under house arrest. Led by an overworked building manager (Stiller), the workers use their knowledge of the inner workings of the building to rip him off. [Deadline]

It’s strange to say it, but it’s looking like a Brett Ratner project might actually get made. After years of lazily smoking pot and eating nachos and playing XBox, it’s nice to see Brett Ratner finally digging right in there and grabbing a project by the short and curlies.  When you get that creative itch, you’ve just gotta scratch it.