Back in July 2008 when George Bush was president and mediocrity held sway, ABC thought it’d be a good idea to replace Ebert and Roeper on At the Movies with Ben Mankiewicz and a rich white kid whose Twitter feed is 30% hip hop talk, 30% the word “homey”, and 40% exclamation points.  His name was also Ben.  But then America got a library card and took some classes at University of Phoenix, and that didn’t seem like such a good idea anymore.  So ABC fired the Bens and replaced them with two guys wearing glasses, neither of whom use the word “homey”, both whom often use the word “juxtapose.”

Look how serious and intelligent it is now!  You can tell because the title cards say “SERIOUS AND INTELLIGENT!”  One of them even has a beard!  I haven’t this impressed by a makeover since I made my dog wear a scarf!  Erudite Shakespeare reference, everyone!

[via AnneThompson]

(Pictured: Turtle, Johnny Drama)

Well, folks, our long national nightmare is over.  A year after ABC replaced Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper as hosts of At the Movies with TCM’s Ben Mankiewicz and MC Private School Ben Lyons, they’ve announced that Ben & Ben are out, in favor of A.O. Scott of the New York Times and Michael Phillips of the Chicago Tribune.

Mankiewicz would escape much of the criticism directed at the revamped “At the Movies,” [just as he will in this post - sorry, Mank -Ed.] most of which targeted Lyons, whose inability to articulate his opinions undercut his cinematic knowledge and critical skills.  Too often Lyons sounded as though he were dictating a blurb for an ad, rather than giving serious counsel as to whether a consumer should buy a ticket, rent a DVD or skip a film altogether. [ChicagoTribune]

This is a great decision by ABC, not that I ever watched the show.  And not because I think the only worthy film criticism comes from guys who work at The New York Times and use initials for a first name (pretentious much?). Otherwise I wouldn’t subject you to my own, professional dick-joke-maker such as I am. It’s just that if I am in the mood to hear intelligent film analysis, it’s not going to be from the spiritual cousin of Brett Ratner who likes club DJs and uses phrases like “homey” and “what’s good!!!” every third sentence.  eFilmCritic has a more detailed account of why Ben Lyons was a bad critic (raving about You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, for instance), but for me, him seeming like a tooly douche (or is he a douchey tool? discuss) was enough.  But don’t feel bad, you’ll still be able to see him on Good Morning America and E! News and Nickelodeon, doing whatever it is he does for many years to come, I’m sure.

Am I mean for picking on him?  Probably.  H8r numb3r 1, out.

To follow-up on this morning’s story about Ebert & Roeper leaving At the Movies, Nikki Finke is now reporting that the new hosts will be Ben Mankiewicz and Ben Lyons (Ben & Ben).  Who the fuck are they, you rightly ask?

…a Generation Why duo who only got the gig due to nepotism. Ben Lyons is the nobody son of Jeffrey Lyons, the film critic world’s biggest hack and quote whore with zero credibility, while Ben Mankiewicz is the slacker host on Turner Classic Movies, whose only claim to fame is that he’s a watered-down member of the famous film family. Now, there’s a working definition of the death of film criticism for you.

More on Mankiewicz:

Son of political figure, Frank Mankiewicz, grandson of famed screenwriter, Herman Mankiewicz, and great-nephew of screenwriter, producer and director, Joseph L. Mankiewicz.  He is the brother of NBC News reporter Josh Mankiewicz. He is married to Contessa Kellogg. [Wiki]

More on Lyons:

Ivanka Trump once called Lyons’ house collect when they were kids. They went to the same school as children and have several mutual friends [probably all insufferable private school shitbags].   Lyons deejays every week at L.A. hot spots the Dime and the Roosevelt Hotel. Ben dated Whitney Port from the MTV reality show The Hills. [Wiki]

Wow, a guy married to “Contessa Kellogg” and MC Boarding School, this sounds like a blast.  I’d never been worried about the competition from traditional media before, but now that they’ve hired these two wunderkinds so uniquely in touch with the voice of the common folk…  I hate to say it, but this might just kill the internet.