The international trailer for The Mechanic, starring Jason Statham in a remake of the 1972 Charles Bronson film, hit yesterday.  I wasn’t going to post it, because I thought I already had.  My mistake.  That was Blitz, this is The Mechanic.  Statham plays a hit man who teaches the hit man game to his young protege, Ben Foster.  The remake comes from Con Air director Simon West, so… you know… there’s that. I guess the bunny’s out of the box.

Said The Stath, when reached for comment, “Lately it seems loike Da Stafe is so busy, Oy ‘ardly ‘ave toime for knobbin’ fit birds!  Oy’s kiddin.  A course Oy’s knobbin birds.  Roight.  So in dis fiwm, dey caw Da Stafe ‘da mechanic,’ probably cos Oy’s always fixin’ fings. An also cos Oy’s always frowin a big fockin bloody wrench inta conts’ plans, now isn’ Oy.  When dey asked me ta do it, oy fought ta meself, ‘Oy. Stafe. Oo bettah ta troy an’ emulate den Mistah Chahles Bronson, da cont oo wiz knobbin’ birds an’ chewin’ da gyppo at age foive?‘  Da ovva fing dat appeawed ta me about it wiz dat dey told me Oy’d get ta stab some puntah inda leg wiff a speah, somefin’ Oy ‘as been on about since da Transporterah paht free.  So Oy told ‘em Da Stafe would do it, so long as oy got ta say,  ‘An dis toim… it’s personal, innit.’  Pretty flash, hey?  Da Stafe is a pushovah when it comes to clevah doyalogue.”

To complicate matters further, the trailer for 13 also hit today, and that stars Statham opposite Ray Winstone, Mickey Rourke, and 50 Cent, in a film about competitive Russian roulette.  …Yeah.

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Oi, wakey wakey, ya cönts. It’s da Stafe eah, now isn’ Oy?  So dis is da trailah for moy new movie, Da Mechanic, donnit.  When da cönts told me about it, Oy found da concept well appealin.  Cuz wiffout a mechanic, dere’d be no one to fix da flash shoiny focken sazz wagons Oy’s always droivin round in, now is dey?  Oi, but da toype a mechanic Oy play in dis focken movie ain’t da toipe a cönt ‘oo stands round ow day shoinin ovva cönts’ sazz wagons, innit.  Roight, I play a cönt ‘oo solves problems.  Problems loike, “Oi, Stafe, dere’s a cönt standin onna dock ‘oo ain’t got enough focken speahs in ‘is leg,” or “‘elp us, Stafe, we’s got a fit bird eah ‘oo needs a knobbin.’”

An’ dat’s where da Stafe comes in, now doesn Oy?  Becos da fit birds ain’t gonna knob demselves, now is dey?  But if dey did, Oy reckon dat would make a pretty focken good movie as well, innit.  Fit Birds Knob Demselves, dey could call it.

[hat tip: /Film]

This is the trailer for The Messenger, which played at Sundance earlier this year and will get a theatrical release starting November 13th.  From first-time director Oren Moverman, who previously wrote the Bob Dylan-themed, I-love-the-smell-of-my-own-farts film I’m Not There, it stars Woody Harrelson and Ben Foster as two soldiers whose job it is to notify dead soldiers’ next of kin.  Harrelson plays Foster’s friend and mentor, a lá Jeremy Renner and Anthony Mackie in The Hurt Locker.  I’m picturing grief, loss, crying, sobbing, slapping — basically two hours of flapjacks and bubblegum and kittens in sunbeams.  Though if your death messenger really was Woody Harrelson, I think it’d probably go down like this:
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G4 recently debuted this trailer for Pandorum, starring Ben Foster and Dennis Quaid…

…as two spacemen who awaken aboard their ship with no memory of their mission or identities. The film opens in theaters on September 4th, 2009.

So, aliens on a spaceship, huh?  How many times have we made this movie now?  I realize there aren’t any new concepts, but at least maybe we could combine old ones?  Like maybe they’re on a spaceship full of aliens… and one of the aliens has to tell his parents he’s gay.  Or maybe they’re on a spaceship full of aliens… and they entertain the nazis by playing the flute.

UPDATE: Ufford over at WarmingGlow just alerted me to the presence of Cam Gigandet. That confirms it, this will suck. Cam Gigandet = suck. It’s science.

After the jump, check out the new trailer for Pandorum.

“From the producers of the Resident Evil franchise, comes a new movie starring Dennis Quaid, [the criminally underrated] Ben Foster and Cam Gigandet.  Christian Alvert is directing the terrifying story of a couple of astronauts that have no memory of their mission or even their identities, buit quickly find out they aren’t alone on their spaceship.” [horror-movies.ca]

What if you awoke… with no memory.  What if the world you knew… was gone.  What if you discovered… you were not alone….  ARRRRGGGGH, IT’S CAM GIGANDET!  I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE AGREED TO THIS MOVIE!  (I liked this better when it was called Event Horizon).  (I hope that when the bad guys come, they NEVER BACK DOWN.  Shut up, I was already leaving.)
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