Ben Affleck is fast becoming one of my favorite directors in Hollywood.  The Town is no Gone Baby Gone — it doesn’t really break any new ground — it’s just a sawlid blue collah directawrial effit.  Ben Affleck’s gawt a jawb ta do: make a Bawstonsploitation cawps and rawbahs movie that’s as ennahtainin as that daygo Scoahsayzee did wit the Depahted.  I’m heah ta tell you queahs that when Affleck punches the time clawk, he goes in theah an’ gives a gritty pahfahmance, leaves it all on the screen, an’ then goes home ta watch the Sawx like a good union slawb.

The film follows a pretty well-worn blueprint (though in this case, you might call it “tried and true”).  Ben Affleck plays a big, tough bank rawbah by da name a Dougy MacRay.  MacRay is a real blue-cawllah guy, who grew up in Chahlestown, where (as the beginning title card tells us) robbing banks is a trade passed down from father to son.  MacRay isn’t your average bank rawbah though — da kid’s gawt smahts, an’ a good haht.  But that won’t stop him from doin’ what needs ta be done ta go fahwahd in this dawg eat dawg enviyahment.  Jeremy Renner from The Hurt Lockah plays the Pesci to Affleck’s Liotta, the Mickey Rourke to his Eric Roberts, the ‘Worm’ to his Matt Damon, the Pesci to his DeNiro — the crazy best friend who’s always taking it one step too far and getting him “jammed up.”  Togethah they lead a rag-tag crew of no-screwin-around professional bank rawbahs from da old neighbahhood, guys like Gloansy Magloan, Mikey High Tawps, and Boogah Lips O’Shea.

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Here’s Paul Giamatti in the trailer for Barney’s Version, which is playing at the Toronto Film Festival.  “The picaresque and touching story of Barney Panofsky (Paul Giamatti), a hard-drinking, cigar-smoking, foulmouthed 65-year-old hockey fanatic and TV producer, reflecting on his life’s successes and failures.”  Basically, Paul Giamatti married Minnie Driver, but he wants out, no matter how many times his dad Dustin Hoffman tells him she has a nice rack (Minnie Driver? Really?).  It’s got a gag where Paul Giamatti is chasing after his lady’s train and wouldn’t you know it, he trips over something.  The first time I saw that joke, the train was a dinosaur. |via FirstShowing|

Bruce Willis will voice your Thing.  ComicBook Movie says Fox wants Bruce Willis to be the voice of The Thing in their Fantastic Four reboot. Meanwhile, Screenrant says Kiefer Sutherland is also in the running and adds that the top choices to direct are David Yates (Harry Potter), James McTeigue (V for Vendetta), and Joe Carnahan (A-Team).  I suppose I could’ve given this story its own post, but I would’ve had to call it “Things that probably won’t happen to a project I don’t give a sh*t about.”

Last Exorcism and Takers were tops at the box office this weekend.  Which can mean only one thing: summer movie season is officially over. I heard that on the set of Takers, Paul Walker and Hayden Christensen would escape paparazzi by pretending to be each other.  |BoxOfficeMojo|

Ryan Reynolds and Brad Coopers’ dads are too Old Dogs for this Lethal Weapon sh*t. Cooper and Reynolds are attached to star in an action comedy from Up in the Air writer Sheldon Turner (Jason Reitman’s Up in the Air script was based on a rewrite of a rewrite of the script Turner wrote) about “two friends, who are also San Francisco cops, whose fathers were once partners on the police force. The older generation is forced out of retirement to help their sons crack a case, with typically antagonistic results.”  That sounds pretty lame, but if they can get Gary Busey and Rip Torn to play the old guys, I’m in. |RiskyBusiness|

Heah’s a new trailah fah Ben Affleck’s fackin’ Depahted movie, The Town.  Affleck’s lookin’ so fackin’ ripped lately, when he took his shirt off, I almost gawt a fackin’ hahd on.  What?  I mean, nawt like a full fackin’ bonah or nothin’, it just plumped a little, I ain’t queah.  GO SAWX.

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The Company Men played to largely positive reviews at Sundance (I couldn’t get in so I saw Winter’s Bone instead, which was probably better anyway), and The Weinstein Company finally released a trailer. From the looks of it, ol’ Ben Affleck’s gettin’ downsized.  One day he’s all, “Eh Tawmmy Lee Jones, check me out, I shawt an eighty fo-ah this mawnin.  It’s my new cawss rekid!”  But then his boss is all like, “Sorry, Bawbby, ya fackin’ fiyuhd ovah heah.  No offense a nuttin.  We been makin’ some hahd fackin’ cutbacks in these pahts.  ”

And then Ben Affleck is all like, “Oh gawd, I lost my fackin’ jawb?  I’m such a losah!  I wish I could stawp cryin’ like so much of a queah!  Now I’m gonna hafta go be a cahpentah wit’ Kevin Costnah, my wife’s fackin’ hahd on brothah.  Hey, what’s goin’ on, is my accent gettin’ thickah ova heah?”  And then BOOM! the tagline:

“In America we give our lives to our jobs.  This fall… it’s time to take them back.”

“Hey, jawb: ya think ya bettah den me? Yoah retahded.  I’ll downsize ya mothah. I’m fackin’ Ben Affleck, how ya like them apples?  GO SAWX.”

The fact that Ben Affleck directed it not withstanding, Gone Baby Gone was my favorite movie of 2007.  Affleck’s follow up, The Town, stars Affleck, Chris Cooper, Jon Hamm, Blake Lively, Rebecca Hall, and Jeremy Renner of The Hurt Locker.  As if that wasn’t enough reason to be interested, it’s Anotha Bawston Cawp Drama!  Only it’s nawt based on a fackin’ Dennis Lehane story this time, but rathah a nawvel by this othah queah, Chuck Hogan.  I don’t know his mothah, but I heard he’s gawt a half sistah in Southie.

Oh right, the movie. You’s'll nevah believe this, but accohdin ta Jawn Hamm, theah’s 300 fackin bank rawberies a yeeuh in Bawston.  Wit some of ‘em, da rawbahs even weah crazy masks like theyah fackin’ Skeletoah or sumthin. Anyway, he says theah’s a one-mile squeah neighbahhood in Bawston where all the rawbahs live.  Tawmmy, Shinah, Squeezbawx, Badgah — all the usual fackin’ hahd ons live down theah — prawbably by the hahbah. Anyway, so da movie’s kinda like that pictah with Stallone, Cawpland, cuz it’s about all tha hahd ons from around the neighbah hood.  But it’s also kinda like that othah movie wit Rawbaht DeNiro — Heat — cuz Affleck an’ Jawn Hamm, theyah like brothahs on different sides of the lawr a sumthin’. But it’s also kinda like The Depahted, because theyah’s some kinda fackin love triangle between the cawps and the rawbahs.  And Ben Affleck’s fawthah’s in prison, just like my fackin’ fawthah. It’s like every fackin’ Bawston cawp movie rolled inta one! Hey! Did I just see a fackin’ Sawx game in theyah?  GO SAWX!  I hope they’s use some movie magic to make ‘em nawt play like such queahs this yeeuh.

According to DeadlineHollywood, Ben Affleck is attached to direct and possibly star in The Trade, a film about the true story of two Yankees pitchers in the 70s who were into wife swapping.  The script was written by Seinfeld/Curb writer Dave Mandel  and made the 2009 blacklist.

Teammates Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich stunned the country when they disclosed in spring training 1973 that they were trading wives. Peterson had fallen in love with Susanne Kekich and his teammate fell in love with Marilyn Peterson. Fritz and Susanne remain a couple till this day, while Mike and Marilyn drifted apart. Affleck and his former Live Planet partners Matt Damon and Sean Bailey have long been intrigued with the project, with Affleck eyeing the role of Peterson and Damon the role of Kekich.

I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to see two die-hard Sawx fans’ take on the story of two Yankees.

DAMON: Hey!  Fritzy!  Whaddaya doin’ bangin my wife, ya hahd on?

AFFLECK: Whoa, whoa, simmah down they-uh, Kich, me an ya wife just figgahed cuz you waz havin such a hahd time pleasin’ huh dat maybe I could give it a shawt.  Actually, if it makes ya feel any bettah, I ain’t been able ta please ah neithah. To tell da truth, I nevah been much of a lovah.  When my wife wants ta get awff, I gawta call in a Sawx fan ta give it to ah.

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