Baby don't hurt us.

While I sit here waiting for someone to finally give me the ultimate mashup of movie characters making fart noises, I suppose I can settle for today’s best effort of some of Hollywood’s hunkiest A-list male actors saying, “I love you.” There are also some people in this that have no business having ever been cast as a romantic lead *pauses screen, gives middle finger to Josh Radnor* but this post is all about what you ladies want today (or until the next post).

So why don’t you draw yourself a nice, hot bubble bath, pop a bottle of bubbly, strap on a blindfold, lay back and pretend like Matt Damon, George Clooney, Tom Cruise, Colin Firth, Ben Affleck, Shia LeBeouf, Brad Pitt, Zac Efron, Leo DiCaprio, Robert Pattinson, that guy from Scrubs and Paul Rudd are saying those awesome three little words to you. Also, while you’re blondfolded, I’m going to steal your TV.

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I first told you about Ben Affleck’s Argo a few months ago, his third directawrial effit fawllowing the awbvious and totally wahrranted success of The Town, GO SAWX. It’s based on a 2007 Wired article, “How the CIA Used a Fake Sci-Fi Flick to Rescue Americans from Tehran,” about how a group of CIA operatives passed themselves off as the crew of a fake sci-fi film called Argo to rescue diplomats who’d gone into hiding after the Iranian revolution. Affleck will play CIA ‘exfiltration specialist’ Tony Mendez. Cast also includes Bryan Cranston, Alan Arkin, and John Goodman.

Empire just broke the first official image, and all I can think about is how much Affleck is a dead ringer for Harry Ellis in Die Hard (played by the incomparable Hart Bochner). Only he’s playing him very serious. That was always what I liked about Harry Ellis, he never took things too seriously. “See that watch? It’s a Rolex.”

“Babe, I negotiate million dollar deals for breakfast. I think I can handle this Ayatollotrash. Hey! Sprecken sie talk*? Homeini! Bubbie! …I’m your white knight.”

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It’s hard to believe, but it’s been a whopping 14 years since Matt Damon and Ben Affleck became superstars with Good Will Hunting. And while they worked together again in Dogma and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (despite what some bloggers think) they’ve been neglecting us for far too long.

Well pine no longer, because they’re back together for a movie about Whitey Bulger. Hey, wasn’t The Departed already about Whitey Bulger?

“We’re doing a Whitey Bulger movie,” Damon says of the leader of South Boston’s Winter Hill Gang, who had been on the lam for 16 years and was wanted for 19 murders, among other things, when he was apprehended in Santa Monica in June. “Warner’s got it for us.”
Damon will star as Bulger, Affleck will direct, and Terence Winter, of The Sopranos and Boardwalk Empire fame, is writing the script. Last year, Damon and Affleck cemented a first-look deal with Warner Bros., where their production company is now based.(Via GQ)

Damon and Affleck had earlier been rumored to be reuniting for The Trade, the true story of two New York Yankees pitchers in the 1970s who swapped wives, but according to GQ, development has been hampered by legal challenges (not to mention the obvious hurdle of two Boston guys doing a movie about the Yankees). But of course, it wouldn’t be the Hollywood way to have only one Whitey Bulger project in development. Why, this is a story hot off the presses, that has only been tackled in a wildly successful and critically-acclaimed film once before!

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Last we heard, WB’s plan to adapt Stephen King’s The Stand was for multiple movies to be directed by Harry Potter‘s David Yates. Apparently that idea fell through (possibly because Yates and his writer Steve Kloves were too expensive), because now Deadline reports that Warner wants Ben Affleck for the project.  HOW YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, BRETT RATNAH, YOU QUEAH.

Warner Bros has chosen Ben Affleck to adapt and direct The Stand, Stephen King’s apocalyptic mammoth book. Affleck has become a cornerstone director for the studio, but this would be his greatest challenge yet. Even King has been reticent about the idea of making a feature of his book, which previously was turned into a miniseries. With The Town and Gone Baby Gone, Affleck has shown the grit necessary to handle such an unforgettable tale. It’s early days, but the studio loves Affleck, who’s now directing Argo. [Deadline]

HE GAWT THE JAWB CAUSE HE’S GAWT GRIT! BEN AFFLECK IS THE GRITTIEST! HE JUST GOES IN THEYAH AN PUTS ON HIS FACKIN’ HAHD HAT AN PUNCHES THE TIME CLAWCK AND DOES HIS FACKIN’ JAWB! HE’S LIKE THE WES WELKAH OF HAWLLYWOOD DIRECTAHS! ME, SQUEEZEBAWX, CASPAH, AN’ WAWP JOHNNY AH GONNA READ THIS ‘THE STAND’ AND SEE WHAT AWLL THE FACKIN FUSS IS ABOUT– 823 FACKIN’ PAGES?! WHAT IS THIS, A HAHVAHD BOOK? (*throws book at Yankees fan*)

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Tobey Maguire’s double life as a high-stakes poker player is coming to light as a result of an FBI investigation into a an embezzling hedge-fund manager who was also a degenerate gambler (shocking, I know).  Basically, this guy, Brad Ruderman, whose name couldn’t possibly sound more like the name of a douchey hedge-fund manager, lost $25 million of his clients’ money in secret poker games with Hollywood stars like Maguire, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Webster.  Okay, I made that last one up. Now, some of Ruderman’s clients say they’re entitled to Maguire’s winnings, because they were acquired through illegal means, and because the money Ruderman money lost was rightfully theirs.  Yeah, yeah, and America “rightfully” belongs to the Indians, here’s me playing the world’s smallest invisible dick violin with my dismissive wank hand.

As Ruderman sits in a Texas jail until 2018, convicted on two counts of wire fraud and two counts of investment adviser fraud, lawyers for the clients whose funds he embezzled are filing a series of civil suits against those who won big in the illegal poker dens, in the hope of recouping some of their lost savings.
Ruderman lost $311,300 to Maguire, including one losing hand of $110,000, on July 30, 2007, it’s claimed.
The games were “exclusive events, by invitation only, and that there was a regular roster of players consisting of wealthy celebrities, entrepreneurs, attorneys and businessmen,” according to the lawsuit.
Tinsel town A-listers Leonardo DiCaprio, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon also played in the no-limit Texas Hold ‘em games held on a twice weekly basis in suites at the luxury Beverly Hills hotel, Four Seasons, and the Viper Room on Sunset Boulevard, which had a buy-in of $100,000, multiple members of the ring told Star.  DiCaprio, Affleck and Damon are not being sued.
Others who were part of the secret society and are facing hefty lawsuits include billionaire businessman Alex Gores, The Notebook director Nick Cassavetes, Welcome Back, Kotter star Gabe Kaplan, Paris Hilton’s infamous sex tape partner, Rick Salomon, record label owner Cody Leibel and Las Vegas nightlife entrepreneur and real-estate developer Andrew Sasson, among others.
Maguire won as much as $1 million a month over a period of three years, one source told Star, which is on newsstands Wednesday.
“That means he could have made up to $30 to $40 million from these games,” the whistle-blowing card shark predicted. [RadarOnline]

And I’m sure that’s an accurate estimate, because if there’s one thing I know about poker, it’s that your earnings from it are as constant and reliable as Old Faithful. One Hollywood A-lister whose name you WON’T find among the invitees to the games, however, is Paul Walker, who was no doubt presumed to have an unfair advantage. If you’ve seen any of his movies, you know the one thing that guy’s got going for him is an impenetrable poker face.

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