Here I was in the middle of writing a subtle, intensively-researched, impassioned piece about the health care crisis, when all of a sudden this new clip from Ong-Bak 2 shows up in my inbox.  As you can see, the scene is that the black knight from Monty Python and some guys in masks are having a knife-sex party up in a tree when Tony Jaa decides to interrupt… WITH FISTS!  AND KICKS!  AND KNEES AND ELBOWS AND BONE BREAKS TO THE CHEST PARTS!  Holy crap, nothing gets me fired up like new Tony Jaa clips.  In fact, I just headbutted my coffee mug and beat my roommate to death with his own cat.  Crap, I gotta go guys, I should call someone about this.

“THIS CHICK SEEMS FEISTY.”

Opens October 23rd in theaters, already available on OnDemand

I don’t know what the hell I’m thinking covering news about all the big boring Hollywood blockbusters when there’s so much goodness to be found in Disney’s direct-to-DVD* catalogue.  In my travels across the internet, I recently came across a title called MXP: Most Xtreme Primate, from 2003.  Anticipation boner in hand, I went looking for the trailer and found it, and it’s pretty much everything I had hoped for.  A chimp, riding a snowboard, doing tricks and generally throwing a MONKEY wrench into everyone’s plans.  Ha, take that, squares!  I needed to know more about this amazing film, so I dug up this review on IMDB:

It’s no wonder they added the “X” in the title of this sequel to MVP and MVP 2. It has the best monkey shower scene I’ve ever seen. This monkey nudity only served to make the primate more “human” so I can understand it’s inclusion in the film. With out it, it would have been merely a typical animal sports movie in the tradition of Air Bud.

I haven’t seen monkeys and humans bond this well, since “Gorillas in the Mist”. Not only does the monkey take a shower, but he also brushes his teeth, shave with a razor, plays the drums, plays video games, drinks a frozen drink and gets brain freeze, and oh yeah he snowboards too. What will Jack do next? I for one can’t wait. Opposable thumbs way up!!!

Oh man, I think I just peed a little.  This is so Xtreme.  If they made an MXP body spray I would spray it on my shit and throw it at people.  MXP makes the Cool Mule look like the king of all dorks.

*Make that VHS

How the hell did this slip under the radar?  It’s called Tiptoes, and it’s a real, non-spoof movie (albeit direct-to-DVD) from 2003.  Kate Beckinsale falls in love with Matthew McConaughey, and then he drops the bomb: he’s from a family of dwarves. She’s pregnant with his child, which because of his genes is probably going to be a dwarf child, and she’s worried it’s going to hack its way out of her uterus with a flute and mini pickaxe, because that’s what dwarves do. But more importantly, Gary Oldman plays McConnaughey’s dwarf brother.

“He was on his knees,” Beckinsale explained. “He was basically on his knees with a prosthetic part of his head and face and a hump and different kinds of harnesses to strap his arms back to make them short, and special clothes. They had various different effects, like if he was sitting in a chair, his legs would actually be inside the chair and he’d have these little fake legs sticking out on top. It was amazing what they did with him.” [videogum]

Sweet Jesus, man, everyone knows you never go full midget.  Meanwhile, the trailer calls it “Gary Oldman, in the role of a lifetime,” and includes lines like, “When the going gets rough, it’s only the size of your heart that counts.”  Yeah? Tell that to my ex-girlfriend.  Boy, did she like it rough.

[KUDOS TO VIDEOGUM FOR FINDING THIS]

Big Fan premiered at Sundance, and at a recent screening, first-time director Rob Siegel revealed that it will be getting a theatrical release in August.  Why do I care?  Because Rob Siegel wrote my favorite movie of last year, The Wrestler, and the star of Big Fan is none other than Patton Oswalt, the chubby lesbionic emperor of my comedy-nerd heart.

Siegel said the film is getting prepped for a release in August, a small distributor has picked up the film and the official announcement will come out this week during the Tribeca Film Festival. Presumably, this means Overture, Magnolia, IFC or indie distribs of this ilk is the buyer.

Straight out of the ’70s loner milieu [Editor’s Note: that’s a fancy way of saying ‘it’s like Taxi Driver’], “Big Fan” is an engaging, if rough-around-the-edges portrait of a lonely, socially inept mid-30-something (Patton Oswalt) still living at home and obsessed with the New York Giants. His arrested development finds him over-eagerly accosting his favorite player, quarterback Quantrell Bishop (Jonathan Hamm), who tests the Staten Island fan’s undying resolve for the team by delivering a severe beatdown and landing him in the hospital. The film also features Kevin Corrigan and Michael Rapaport in a small cameo role. [ThePlaylist]

I had to look this up, but apparently Jonathan Hamm isn’t the same person as Jon Hamm of Mad Men - who, although a fine actor, I doubt could carry off the role of a guy named “Quantrell.”  You know you’re a good-looking man when all your early acting roles are characters like “Handsome Guy #5″ and “Professor Ernst von Chisel Face”.

In TOMMY AND THE COOL MULE, Tommy’s DAD goes off to IRAQ, leaving TOMMY and his MOM to defend the FAMILY FARM from a GREEDY DEVELOPER played by KEVIN SORBO.  But if he WANTS to be the MAN OF THE HOUSE, Tommy is going to have to WIN the BIG RACE…. (*RECORD SCRATCH*) on a mule!  A cool mule, to be exact.  Voiced by Ice-T.

I. Cannot. Believe. This. Is. A. Real. Movie. Seriously, this has to be from the same people who made Nachos the Cross-Eyed Cat, right?  I would love to have been a fly on the wall when they were making the Cool Mule’s costume.

“Hmm, the bling necklace doesn’t fit over the mule’s head. I’m gonna have to go get a longer chain.”
“What?  We’re burning daylight here!  Screw it, just put the necklace over his face.  There.  I think it looks… cooler like that way, doesn’t it?”
“Whatever.”

[Source - thanks to Jake for the tip]