I have a little theory about Adam Sandler. Somewhere between Waterboy and Little Nicky I think he decided to test his own power and see just how f-cking awful a comedy he would have to make for it not to be a ridiculous success. And for about ten years now, he’s been King Midas’ asshole, dropping one golden turd after another. Will Bedtime Stories be the one to break the spell? Reasons it might:
- The worst director in Hollywood
- Little kid with lisp (I hate them! I hate them! I hate them!)
- The most overused plot device in history (I had a dream about a dog bite and when I woke up, ZOMG! Teeth marks!)
- Courtney Cox (don’t believe me? Other movies she’s been in: November, Get Well Soon, Alien Love Triangle, Zoom, The Tripper, 3000 Miles to Graceland…)
Ha, who am I kidding? This is just like one of those inexplicably successful Brendan Fraser movies, but with Adam Sandler. This is going ten hundred squintillion dollars and an executive somewhere is going to buy a thousand-foot yacht made entirely out of LA sluts with big fake tits.
There was a time when I can remember listening to an Adam Sandler album and literally thinking to myself “This is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.” These days, every movie he’s in makes $100 million dollars and his choice of projects seems driven by the desire to see just how shitty an idea has to be for it not to be a huge success.
Here’s to hoping Bedtime Stories (new trailer after the jump) is finally the one. It’s directed by the worst director in Hollywood (Adam Shankman), centers around the world’s most overused plot device (the kids’ stories come true!), and co-stars some kid with a lisp. Ugggghhhh. Why do people think that’s cute? Would it be cute if he walked with a limp or had a lazy eye or the occasional siezure? A misshapen skull? God damn man, they’re like spiders on my pillow.
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When Adam Sandler teamed up with the director of The Wedding Planner, A Walk to Remember, Bringing Down the House, The Pacifier, Cheaper by the Dozen 2, and Hairspray, I expected the worst. But I’m impressed with the first trailer. Impressed that they took Adam Sandler, the worst director in Hollywood, and Disney, and somehow still made it more horrendous than I could’ve even imagined. The bedtime stories are true? Hey, way to rip off The Fall. Kid with a lisp? Thanks, Mrs. Doubtfire and Jerry Maguire. I want to choke rape whoever decided kids with speech impediments are cute. Puppies are cute. You know why? Because they don’t talk.
This is what happens when you let a guy who was a choreographer direct movies. I didn’t see a single Fly Girl in this whole thing so F him.
Adam Sandler, who last we heard was busy shooting Bedtime Stories with Hairspray/The Pacifier/Bringing Down the House director Adam Shankman, in which he plays "Skeeter Bronson" [I'm not even kidding you], broke his ankle playing basketball this weekend.
This was clearly an attempt by God to stop two forces of evil from combining powers. Either that or chubby, 40-year-old Jewish guys are just bad at basketball. One of the two. In either case, it didn’t work because according to the AP, the injury will not affect production.
God is currently considering a plan B, and, SPOILER ALERT, it involves platypi.
These pics from JFX online are the latest from the set of Adam Sandler’s new movie Bedtime Stories. It seems to be raining gumballs in this scene.
It’s about a family guy who tells his nephews bedtime stories which suddenly magically come true. Keri Russel’s co-starring with Adam and the film’s set to release on Christmas day.
No one can open a movie like Adam Sandler. The amount of money he makes studios, he could probably work with anyone he wants. So who does he choose? Adam Fucking Shankman, the Stalin of Cinema, whose resume includes: Hairspray, Cheaper by the Dozen 2, The Pacifier, Bringing Down the House, A Walk to Remember, The Wedding Planner, and now this, a rejected idea for a Brendan Fraser movie.
The only explanation I can think of is that Adam Sandler is tired of fame and keeps trying to fail so he can go back to being a regular guy, but no matter what he does, everything he touches turns to gold. He’s like a guy who wants to break up with this girlfriend but doesn’t want to tell her, so instead he does every horrible thing he can think of to drive her away - sleeps with her sister, tells her she’s fat, makes her indulge in the most degrading sexual fantasies - and yet she keeps coming back for more. At this point, Hollywood’s basically tied spread-eagled to a radiator in Sandler’s basement covered in pig’s blood and dog crap while Sandler shouts from the other room in that weird baby voice, "You know, uh, I always thought it’d be hot to pull your teeth out with rusted pliers." Open wide!
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