It may be a Monday, but you know what keeps away The Mondays?  Corgis + Baywatch.  Danger Guerrero should get a Nobel prize for this mash up.

MORNING LINKS

• The Sad History of Mac Gaming. |Uproxx|

• Does Giving Away Free Music Downloads Fight Piracy? |UproxxNews|

• Marvel is bringing the Hulk to TV. |WarmingGlow|

• Brett Farve’s penis gate gets Taiwanese animated. |WithLeather|

• Guy builds home made Formula 1 simulator with his flat screen. |GammaSquad|

• Get stoned for science. |Fark|

• Dames with guns, a guide. |NextMovie|

• So you woke up in a dumpster: a choose your own adventure story for the rest of us. |HolyTaco|

• Nathan Fillion wants to be in David O. Russell’s video game movie. *cough* who cares *cough, cough*. |ScreenJunkies|

• Justin Bieber Being Investigated For Assaulting A 12-Year-Old. Whatever, he’s Canadian. That’s not assault, it’s hockey. |Buzzfeed|

• ‘Jackass 3D’ Stars on Girlfriend Pranks, Disgusting Stunts and Shots to the Groin. |Moviefone|

• George Dubya takes in a Rangers game, doesn’t look too happy about it. |BarstoolSports|

• Tron Evolution exclusive reveal: Light Tanks. |G4|

• There’s still time to submit to “My Dad is a Bro.” |MDIAB|

• Fear of a Black Planet: Black Presidents in Film and Television. |NERDS!|

• Steampunk + Cosplay + Girls = Greatness.  (Though if I could wake up and never hear the word “steampunk” again, it would be a glorious day.) |UnrealityMag|

FilmDrunk on Facebook. FilmDrunk on Twitter. FilmDrunk on iTunes. Comments of the week.

[via HeyLikeLuke]

Hollywood execs would rather watch cable than read scripts, so naturally, there are a lot of remakes on the way.  Today in remake news…

Anna Faris is attached to remake 1980 Goldie Hawn comedy Private Benjamin.   “The original starred Hawn as a spoiled woman who joins the Army after her husband dies during sex on their wedding night.  The new take will set the story in contemporary times with modern wars as the backdrop. Hey, remember when they already tried this sh*t with Jessica Simpson?  It was like Legally Blonde meets In the Army Now.  Legally Retarded, I think it was called.  I wonder if it made back its $30 million budget during its theatrical run in Russia and Bulgaria. But I’m sure this will be great. |THR|

Baywatch movie gets new writers.  Brian Gatewood and Alessandro Tanaka, who wrote the upcoming The Sitter for Jonah Hill and David Gordon Green, are taking over for The Break-Up‘s Jeremy Garelick, and National Security writers Jay Scherick and David Ronn, who’d worked on earlier versions of the project.  Five screenwriters, that’s a good sign, right?  “Additionally, insiders place the “Baywatch” adaptation in the context of a TV revamp like “Charlie’s Angels” rather than “Starsky and Hutch,” [that's good, I was worried it wouldn't be sh*tty] which indicates that female-driven action is also on the menu.”  Which is bullsh*t.  Everyone knows David Hasselhoff wrestling alligators was the heart of the show. (see video above) |RiskyBizBlog|

Michael Bay doing Rosemary’s Baby? Yesterday, Roger Ebert tweefed: “Michael Bay is remaking ‘Rosemary’s Baby. O….kay…’, and then later: “My previous post was too hard to decipher? I’ll translate: Michael Bay remaking ‘Rosemary’s Baby?’ WTF!” Since Ebert has so many followers, “Michael Bay” and “Rosemary’s Baby” quickly developed into trending topics.  Thing is, unless Ebert has some new news the rest of us aren’t privy to, the last I heard was that Bay’s production company was negotiating for the rights back in March ’08 (with no plans for Bay to direct), only to shelve the idea that December.  So relax, people, there are plenty horrible remake ideas to get worked up over that are actually happening.  Like the two I just mentioned, for instance.

“What our movie presupposes is, maybe Rosemary gave birth to Jaden Smith?”
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The newest trailer for Twilight Saga: New Moon premiered at the MTV Whatever it was this time awards last night, and it looks like they’re targeting the male demographic with this one.  This latest trailer is more plot driven and less meaningful-glance driven, and it looks pretty ridiculous — in, dare I say it, a good way.

Edward sends Bella away so the vampire police don’t hurt her, driving her straight into the greasy ethnic arms of a chiseled werewolf.  She also notices that the only time she sees Edward is during near-death experiences. SO, she becomes an ADRENALINE JUNKIE who takes to doing EXTREME MOTORCYCLE STUNTS, and CLIFF JUMPING. OOH WHAA-AA AA-AAH!  Then she almost drowns, but is saved by… A GHOST LIFEGUARD!! *singing Baywatch theme*  Soooome people stand, in the darkness/afraid to step intooooo the liiiight…. Cuz I’m always reeeady/I won’t let you out of myyy siiight… (eerie how well that applies here, isn’t it?*)  But then Edward thinks Bella’s dead, so he runs off to pull some Romeo & Juliet sh’t.  And then there’s, like, some chick with a scarf, and then THE WEREWOLVES COME!  And Edward gets CHOKE SLAMMED!!!  Oh man, this is gonna be the best movie since xXx: State of the Union!

*Seriously though, if you play the Twilight trailer above and the Baywatch intro below at the same time and watch the muted Twilight trailer while the Baywatch song plays, it totally syncs up like Wizard of Oz and Pink Floyd.
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(Game: Count the actresses still working in this picture.)

So Paramount has plans to make a Baywatch movie, and they’re hoping to reimagine it as a comedy (even though it was kind of already a comedy). From Variety:

Hoping to add some giggle to the jiggle [you can't see me, but I'm slamming my head in my desk drawer right now -Ed.] Paramount Pictures has set Jeremy Garelick to rewrite and direct a bigscreen comedy based on the syndicated series. The film marks Garelick’s directing debut. The scribe, who most recently did an uncredited rewrite of “The Hangover” with Todd Phillips, has written “Murray at Large” for Phillips to produce and possibly direct at Warner Bros., and also scripted “The Insane Laws” at Columbia.

DreamWorks paid seven figures for remake rights in 2005 and got a script by Jay Scherick and David Ronn [credits: Norbit, The Zookeeper, National Security] that was heavy on action. Garelick was sent the script do a punch-up. Though he never saw the original TV show and its well-rounded cast [another subtle tit pun! you're on a roll, Variety writer guy!], he saw an opportunity to turn it into broad comedy.

“It felt like the template to do a movie that was similar to ‘Stripes’ and ‘Police Academy,’ the comedies I loved growing up,” [THIS SENTENCE HAS NO PREDICATE. GUH.] Garelick said. “Rather than trying to pitch the tone, I figured it would be easier to write the first act to convey who these characters were,” Garelick said.  Some 37 pages later, Garelick has landed the job. The script now focuses on two unlikely lifeguard candidates trying to catch on alongside the buff bodies that will be as abundant in the film as they were in the TV series.

I don’t even know where to start with this story.  First off, who hasn’t seen Baywatch? Secondly, they already made this, it was called Son of the Beach. Third, The Insane Laws? There’s no way a movie with that title is anything but a puke-filled afterbirth.  Finally, DreamWorks spent seven figures for the rights and then hired the guys from Norbit to write it?  That’s like buying a Gulfstream jet and handing the keys to your landscaper.  Every person in this story should be fired out of a cannon into a volcano.

Straight from the WTF files comes the news that two Anaconda sequels (that’s number 3 and 4, if you were counting) are currently in shooting in that hotbed of Hollywood production, Romania.  Ice Cube was in the first one but wouldn’t come back for the second, so they got some dude named Johnny Messner.  Apparently he’s not coming back for the third, so now they’ve got David Hasselhoff. 

Both of the flicks are being shot in Romania by Don E. FauntLeRoy, the cinematographer turned director who has no less than three Steven Seagal movies under his belt… both flicks will premiere on the Sci-Fi Channel [before going straight to DVD - duh]. [Cinematical] 

Hey, didn’t Hasselhoff make like a bajillion dollars on Baywatch?  Says wikipedia (who keep taking down our FilmDrunk entry, bastards):

"According to the Guinness Book of World Records, Baywatch is the most watched TV show in the world of all time, with over 1.1 billion viewers." 

That’s a sixth of the world’s total population. And the dude’s making snake movies in Romania?  I know divorces are expensive, but they can’t be that expensive.  And sure, you’ve got a couple kids, but how much could those possibly cost?  It’s not like you have to feed them every day.