Just when I thawght I’d put this whole fackin’The Town in my reahview, comes ‘The Fightah’, stahrin Mahky Mahk and Christian Bale. Wid all the fackin’ Bawston movies comin’ out, it’s almost like da Sawx won anothah series. I gawt fackin’ Bawston movies comin’ out my eahs ovah heah. Mahky Mahk stahs as Mickey Wahd, who was like the fackin’ Wes Welkah of bawxin’.  Maybe nawt da best, but good enough to compete wit da dahkies, which is pretty fackin’ good fahr a blue collah hahd on from Soutie.  I sweah ta gawd, Mickey Wahd would throw a punch, and it’d be all like POW!, just like that fackin’ Mahky Mahk workout video.  True stawry: I once sawr im stawmp some Toony at Gloansy McGloans at the pahty aftah Squeezebawx’s who-ah sistah married Boogah Lips O’Shea.  WHAT, YOU DON’T BELIEVE MY FACKIN’ STAWRIES NOW, YOU QUEAH?  YOU CALLIN’ FACKIN BOOGAH LIPS A LIAH?!

Anyway, Mickey’s fackin’ knucklehead brothah was his trainah, but he kept gettin’ him inta trouble, so he left fa someone eltse.  An’ his brothah was all, “WHAT, AH YOU TOO GOOD FAH YOAH OWN FLESH AN’ FACKIN BLOOD NOW?  YOU GREW UP HEAH! YOU KNOW DA RULES!”  Then I think the brothah gawt addicted ta crack a somthin’. I don’t remembah what happened aftah that, but dat hawt fiyah crawtch from Chahlie Wilson came out in ‘er brawr an’ panties and punched some othah brawd in the face.  That was my favorite paht. Ruined a fresh paiyah a shawts.

[via ThePlaylist]

The Company Men played to largely positive reviews at Sundance (I couldn’t get in so I saw Winter’s Bone instead, which was probably better anyway), and The Weinstein Company finally released a trailer. From the looks of it, ol’ Ben Affleck’s gettin’ downsized.  One day he’s all, “Eh Tawmmy Lee Jones, check me out, I shawt an eighty fo-ah this mawnin.  It’s my new cawss rekid!”  But then his boss is all like, “Sorry, Bawbby, ya fackin’ fiyuhd ovah heah.  No offense a nuttin.  We been makin’ some hahd fackin’ cutbacks in these pahts.  ”

And then Ben Affleck is all like, “Oh gawd, I lost my fackin’ jawb?  I’m such a losah!  I wish I could stawp cryin’ like so much of a queah!  Now I’m gonna hafta go be a cahpentah wit’ Kevin Costnah, my wife’s fackin’ hahd on brothah.  Hey, what’s goin’ on, is my accent gettin’ thickah ova heah?”  And then BOOM! the tagline:

“In America we give our lives to our jobs.  This fall… it’s time to take them back.”

“Hey, jawb: ya think ya bettah den me? Yoah retahded.  I’ll downsize ya mothah. I’m fackin’ Ben Affleck, how ya like them apples?  GO SAWX.”

The fact that Ben Affleck directed it not withstanding, Gone Baby Gone was my favorite movie of 2007.  Affleck’s follow up, The Town, stars Affleck, Chris Cooper, Jon Hamm, Blake Lively, Rebecca Hall, and Jeremy Renner of The Hurt Locker.  As if that wasn’t enough reason to be interested, it’s Anotha Bawston Cawp Drama!  Only it’s nawt based on a fackin’ Dennis Lehane story this time, but rathah a nawvel by this othah queah, Chuck Hogan.  I don’t know his mothah, but I heard he’s gawt a half sistah in Southie.

Oh right, the movie. You’s'll nevah believe this, but accohdin ta Jawn Hamm, theah’s 300 fackin bank rawberies a yeeuh in Bawston.  Wit some of ‘em, da rawbahs even weah crazy masks like theyah fackin’ Skeletoah or sumthin. Anyway, he says theah’s a one-mile squeah neighbahhood in Bawston where all the rawbahs live.  Tawmmy, Shinah, Squeezbawx, Badgah — all the usual fackin’ hahd ons live down theah — prawbably by the hahbah. Anyway, so da movie’s kinda like that pictah with Stallone, Cawpland, cuz it’s about all tha hahd ons from around the neighbah hood.  But it’s also kinda like that othah movie wit Rawbaht DeNiro — Heat — cuz Affleck an’ Jawn Hamm, theyah like brothahs on different sides of the lawr a sumthin’. But it’s also kinda like The Depahted, because theyah’s some kinda fackin love triangle between the cawps and the rawbahs.  And Ben Affleck’s fawthah’s in prison, just like my fackin’ fawthah. It’s like every fackin’ Bawston cawp movie rolled inta one! Hey! Did I just see a fackin’ Sawx game in theyah?  GO SAWX!  I hope they’s use some movie magic to make ‘em nawt play like such queahs this yeeuh.

According to DeadlineHollywood, Ben Affleck is attached to direct and possibly star in The Trade, a film about the true story of two Yankees pitchers in the 70s who were into wife swapping.  The script was written by Seinfeld/Curb writer Dave Mandel  and made the 2009 blacklist.

Teammates Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich stunned the country when they disclosed in spring training 1973 that they were trading wives. Peterson had fallen in love with Susanne Kekich and his teammate fell in love with Marilyn Peterson. Fritz and Susanne remain a couple till this day, while Mike and Marilyn drifted apart. Affleck and his former Live Planet partners Matt Damon and Sean Bailey have long been intrigued with the project, with Affleck eyeing the role of Peterson and Damon the role of Kekich.

I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to see two die-hard Sawx fans’ take on the story of two Yankees.

DAMON: Hey!  Fritzy!  Whaddaya doin’ bangin my wife, ya hahd on?

AFFLECK: Whoa, whoa, simmah down they-uh, Kich, me an ya wife just figgahed cuz you waz havin such a hahd time pleasin’ huh dat maybe I could give it a shawt.  Actually, if it makes ya feel any bettah, I ain’t been able ta please ah neithah. To tell da truth, I nevah been much of a lovah.  When my wife wants ta get awff, I gawta call in a Sawx fan ta give it to ah.

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Dennis Lehane is best known for writing the novels Mystic River and Gone Baby Gone, whose subjects were child molestation and child molestation, respectively, as well as penning a few episodes of The Wire, most notably the ones involving child molestation.  Now Lehane is set to make his feature screenwriting debut, adapting his own short story Animal Rescue for Fox 2000. Animal Rescue reportedly deals with “a killing resulting from a lost and contested pit bull” and was published in a collection called Boston Noir, which Lehane also edited.  I haven’t read it, but /Film reports that it’s set in Dorchester and the first line is:

Bob found the dog in the trash.

And knowing Dennis Lehane, I image the next line is, “Hey, Tawmy– yeah, it’s Rawjuh.  Yeah, dey killed my fackin’ dawg.  That’s right, fackin’ Nomah, da Rawtweilah, he’s dead.  Dead as fackin dawnail.  Haahtless, these hahd ons.  Who do you think it was? Caspah?  Squeezebawx?  I dunno who dey think theyuh dealin wit, cuz I gawt half a mind ta  go take one a dayuh kids down to da hahbah an molest da sonovabitch, just like dat sonovabitch priest molested me.  GO SAWX!  I miss my fackin’ dawg.”