The tagline underneath the green Wahlberg nutsack logo is "our family. our story. our burgers." Seriously.

Having to sit on the sidelines while Burnsy wrote up that last story about Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, and Whitey Bulger gave me a serious case of Boston-vernacular blue balls. BUT GUESS WHAT, CAWKSUCKAH! MAHKY MAHK JUST OPENED HIS FACKIN’ BURGAH RESTRINT, AND I’M HEAH TA COVER IT! POW! FEEL IT, FEEL IT!

Seriously though, remember “Wahlburgers?” The restaurant chain that Mark and Donny Wahlberg decided to start discovered in New York and stole for their brother, Paul (pictured, center)? Well, it had its gala opening last night in Hingham Shipyard. AND I CAN EXCLUSIVELY REPAWT THAT THEY SERVE THE BEST FACKIN BURGAHS IN MASS! RIGHT NEAH DA FACKIN’ HAHBAH! ALL THE MOVIE STAHS AND SAWX PLAYAHS WERE THEYAH! IT WIZ LIKE THE ENTOURAGE OF BURGAH JOINTS, ONLY MOAH CLASSIAH!

The brothers Wahlberg – at least a few of them – joined mom Alma at last night’s opening of Wahlburgers, the clan’s new “casual food” franchise in Hingham.

“At least a few of them?” There were four in the pictures – Mark, Donny, Paul, and Jim – how many goddamn brothers are there? These Irish, they’re like pale, drunk Mexicans. (Factual note: there are nine Wahlberg siblings).

“This is in the spirit of the family,” said Donnie Wahlberg, referencing a menu that includes a Triple Decker. (“Like the house we grew up in.”)

Triple deckah, like owah house! Awl owah burgahs ah named aftah facets of owah Wahlberg childhood. WAITAH! BRING ME A DELINQUENCY MELT WITH EXTRA SHOUTING! MAHKY’S GONNA THROW IT AT AN AWRIENTAL!

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In what sounds like the awesomest, movie-themed food truck idea we never came up with, Mark Wahlberg, along with his brother Donnie Wahlberg, will be opening a restaurant called “Wahlburgers.” Their other brother, Paul (that’s him on the left, with their mom and… uncle?), will be head chef. Also working there, I imagine, will be an assahtmint of cousins, knawckarounds, an hahd ons from the neighbahhood, such as Squeezebawx, Caspah, Tawmmy, Wawp Tawmmy, Snawtlips, Dahkie Mike, Skidmahks, Richie Three Balls, Elbows, The Gooch, Fruity Pete, Gene, and Johnny Bitchtits.

Hingham chef Paul Wahlberg, brother of actor Mark and New Kid on the Block Donnie [ouch. -Ed], has cleared a major legal hurdle in opening his new hamburger restaurant — securing the name, Wahlburgers, which had been previously trademarked.
“It just works,” said Ed St. Croix, Wahlberg’s business partner. “It’s a good-sounding brand we could put out the product with, a great name people could relate to.” [by which I mean ridicule]
St. Croix said the restaurant’s ownership approached [pelted with batteries? showered with verbal abuse?] Tom Wahl’s, a chain of burger joints based in Rochester, N.Y., a few months ago after they discovered it sold a product called the “Wahlburger.”
“We were definitely surprised,” St. Croix said. “It was a thing we had talked about for several years.”
The Wahlburgers’ group secured “full spectrum” use of the name, St. Croix said, but wouldn’t discuss financial terms of the deal, or any other details.
The group, which includes chef Paul and his famous brothers, also had some backup names, just in case it wasn’t able to secure the rights to Wahlburgers, but St. Croix wouldn’t divulge them for fear of confusing the issue.
Wahlburgers is slated to open soon at the Hingham Shipyard, across from the group’s Italian restaurant, Alma Nove, named in honor of the Wahlbergs’ mom and her nine kids. The group is also planning to open a pizza joint next spring. [BawstonGlobe via Movieline]

HEY MAHKY, SOME QUEAH’S IS SELLIN’ BUHGUHS, AN THEYUH CALLIN EM WAHLBUHGUHS!

Wahlbuhguhs? Wheyah?

In New Yawk.

New Yawk?!? Fack that cawksuckah. Let’s buy him out, and take his queah restrint back ta Mass.

Great idear, we’ll put it right neah da fackin’ hahbah.

Go Sawx?

Go Sawx.

(*shawts*)

WHEYAH'D YOU PAHK THE CAAAH, BOOBOOOOOOO!

In the past, a lawt of you quote-unquote readahs have sent me fackin’ links to various “mash-ups” that pahpaht ta make reference to owah faiyah city of Bawston.  But guess what, cawksuckah, YOU AH NAWT THE BAWSS A ME.  Yoah nawt my fawthah, yoah nawt my parole officah, and you ah most definitely nawt my caht-appointed psychologah from Southie, so I don’t gawta fackin’ do nothin’ you say.  If you don’t like it, you can go screw down to the fackin’ hahbah. GO, AND LEAVE MY OBVIOUS FACKIN’ SUPERIAWRITY IN YOAH REAHVIEW.

Irregahdless, it appeahs some jerk off has finally put togethah a hahd-working, blue-collah compilation of moments from Bawston movies that is worthy of owah sinceyah appreciation, and isn’t just a hastily-cawbbled togethah anthawlogy of questionable impahtince.  Finally, a salute to the real heroes of Sawx-town: Gloansy, Squeezbawx, Fitzy, Matt Damon, Boogah Lips O’Shea, Mahky Mahk, Jonesy’s Whowah Sistah, Casey Affleck, Christian Bale, Chris, Dahkie Chris, Wahlberg’s retahded brothah, that queah from the Hurt Lockah, Bitchtits McAllistah, Tawmmy, Wawp Tawmmy, Chris Coopah, Hawss Lips, Matt Damon, and of coahse, Matt Damon.  My only criticism is that the musical selection was nawt “Shippin’ Up to Bawston,” from the soundtrack of The Dapahted.  Oh, I’m sawrry, was that nawt on the jukebawx at yoah queah Hahvahd bah?  YOU DISRESPECT DRAWPKICK, CAWKSUCKAH? FACK YA MOTHAH!

Go Sawx.
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NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU.  NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU.

NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU.

NAWT YOU.

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Just when I thawght I’d put this whole fackin’The Town in my reahview, comes ‘The Fightah’, stahrin Mahky Mahk and Christian Bale. Wid all the fackin’ Bawston movies comin’ out, it’s almost like da Sawx won anothah series. I gawt fackin’ Bawston movies comin’ out my eahs ovah heah. Mahky Mahk stahs as Mickey Wahd, who was like the fackin’ Wes Welkah of bawxin’.  Maybe nawt da best, but good enough to compete wit da dahkies, which is pretty fackin’ good fahr a blue collah hahd on from Soutie.  I sweah ta gawd, Mickey Wahd would throw a punch, and it’d be all like POW!, just like that fackin’ Mahky Mahk workout video.  True stawry: I once sawr im stawmp some Toony at Gloansy McGloans at the pahty aftah Squeezebawx’s who-ah sistah married Boogah Lips O’Shea.  WHAT, YOU DON’T BELIEVE MY FACKIN’ STAWRIES NOW, YOU QUEAH?  YOU CALLIN’ FACKIN BOOGAH LIPS A LIAH?!

Anyway, Mickey’s fackin’ knucklehead brothah was his trainah, but he kept gettin’ him inta trouble, so he left fa someone eltse.  An’ his brothah was all, “WHAT, AH YOU TOO GOOD FAH YOAH OWN FLESH AN’ FACKIN BLOOD NOW?  YOU GREW UP HEAH! YOU KNOW DA RULES!”  Then I think the brothah gawt addicted ta crack a somthin’. I don’t remembah what happened aftah that, but dat hawt fiyah crawtch from Chahlie Wilson came out in ‘er brawr an’ panties and punched some othah brawd in the face.  That was my favorite paht. Ruined a fresh paiyah a shawts.

[via ThePlaylist]