Uh oh, he finally found out about Chet Haze.

This is going to sound weird, but I’ve always wondered what exactly goes on on those massive container ships going back and forth across the ocean carrying our iPads and illegal sex slaves. I mean how much work is there to do every day, really? Does the crew just play cards all day? Is there TV? Is it like being a pirate, only lazier? Because I could do that job. Anyway, Captain Phillips may not answer all those questions, but it does depict a container ship crew on a less-than-typical day, when they got boarded by Somali pirates in 2009. Based on the book by Richard Phillips, the captured captain of the Maersk Alabama – the first American cargo ship to get captured in 200 years, according to the synopsis – and directed by the Bourne series’ Paul Greengrass, it stars Tom Hanks as Captain Phillips and Johnny Depp in blackface as all of the pirates with supporting work by Hanks’ plucky first mate, a volleyball named Wilson (okay, part of that sentence may not be true).  It doesn’t look all shaky-cammed to death like the Bourne movies, so at least there’s that.

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Tag is a children’s game in which you run around trying to touch each other. Add booze and it’s called “adulthood.” But a couple of dorks from eastern Washington still prefer the retro version, and now Will Ferrell and Jack Black have signed on to do a movie about them, called “Tag Brothers.” So we’re giving these guys movies instead of ass kickings now? What a world.

Will Ferrell and Jack Black are attached to star in “Tag Brothers,” a pitch based on a recent Wall Street Journal article that was just snapped up in a major bidding war by New Line Cinema.
Ferrell and Black’s future involvement is contingent on the screenplay, which will be written by Mark Steilen, who previously directed “Wieners” and “The Settlement.”
Steilen previously wrote the family comedy “Time Share” for Sony and Will Smith’s company Overbrook Entertainment, as well as the rock ‘n roll movie “Born to Rock,” which is in active development at Paramount. [TheWrap]

From the Wall Street Journal article:

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There’s a trailer going around the web today for The Conjuring, a new horror movie from Saw and Insidious director James Wan, that’s rightly being buzzed about on account of being more than just the usual collection of creepy kids and loud noises and jump cuts. It shows very little, but manages to create actual tension. I give precious few f*cks about modern “horror” movies, but even I have to give this one credit for looking intriguing. Or at least competent.

Before there was Amityville, there was Harrisville. Based on a true story, “The Conjuring” tells the horrifying tale of how world-renowned paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren were called upon to help a family terrorized by a dark presence in a secluded farmhouse. Forced to confront a powerful demonic entity, the Warrens find themselves caught in the most terrifying case of their lives. [Apple]

Still, I can’t get past the 1:01 mark. “BASED ON A TRUE STORY.” Really? Right after a scene where a ghost pops out of a closet and claps? What part of a ‘true story’ was this based on? What possible meaning could the word “true” even have in this context? What is the point of this title card? Does it really contribute anything? The movie looks okay, but to me the most disturbing part of this trailer is watching them slowly murder English. This is language torture porn.

Courtesy of Columbia Pictures, it’s the first trailer for Zero Dark Thirty, starring Jessica Chastain, Joel Edgerton, and Mark Strong, and re-teaming the Hurt Locker’s writer-director team, Mark Boal and Kathryn Bigelow (the latter of whom also directed Point Break – NEVER FORGET). The hunt-for-Bin-Laden subject matter is already pretty fresh in our minds, and the trailer doesn’t show much beyond b-roll and graphics, so it’s hard to know quite what we’re looking at just yet. But hopefully it adheres closely to the facts of the case, because that’s going to be the most gloriously anti-climactic villain death since Pan’s Labyrinth.

“We tracked the fugitive for more than 10 years! He was the most wanted man in the world! We weren’t even sure he was still alive until we caught a break – his driver! We followed him for months until he led us right to him!”

“WOW! And then what happened?? Did you have to foil a high-tech security system? Drill through the vault from underneath? Rappel from the ceiling by wires to avoid setting off the motion censors?”

“Nah, we just kicked down the front door and shot him in the face while he was sitting on the couch. Then we left.”

“Oh. ”

Cue right-wing pundits claiming this was carefully orchestrated by the liberal Hollywood conspiracy to coincide with the election in 5… 4… 3… 2…

If you told me that you were making yet another movie about British royalty, I’d probably attempt to fit a scone and entire tea set up your ass. If you told me that same movie starred Bill Murray as FDR, well, the tea set would be a lost cause at that point, but I’d probably feel pretty bad about it.

In June 1939, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt (Academy Award nominee Bill Murray) and his wife Eleanor (Olivia Williams) host the King and Queen of England (Samuel West and Olivia Colman) for a weekend at the Roosevelt home at Hyde Park on Hudson, in upstate New York – the first-ever visit of a reigning English monarch to America. With Britain facing imminent war with Germany, the Royals are desperately looking to FDR for support. But international affairs must be juggled with the complexities of FDR’s domestic establishment, as wife, mother, and mistresses all conspire to make the royal weekend an unforgettable one. Seen through the eyes of Daisy (Academy Award nominee Laura Linney), Franklin’s neighbor and intimate, the weekend will produce not only a special relationship between two great nations, but, for Daisy – and through her, for us all – a deeper understanding of the mysteries of love and friendship. Opens December 7th.[FocusFeatures]

Okay fine, but if anyone stutters or gets diction lessons, I swear to God I’m walking out.

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