Werner Herzog’s Bad Lieutenant comes out on DVD and Blu-Ray this week, and they didn’t send me any clips or DVDs or anything, even though I’ve been screaming about how awesome it is to anyone who would listen since it came out.  It’s all part of their plan that it not be seen by anyone ever.  Anyway, MTV got this exclusive clip of Werner on set from the DVD extras.  It’s actually kind of boring, because it lacks the one thing I want from a Bad Lieutenant behind the scenes, and that’s Werner Herzog demanding that Nic Cage “RELEESS ZA PIGS!”

Again, God forbid anyone actually see this movie.  In related news, Nic Cage has blond hair now (your argument is invalid).  Here’s what he said in a recent interview:

“See, Werner doesn’t really know a lot about jazz. He’s incredibly knowledgeable about classical music and we had good conversations about that. But being that we were in New Orleans, which is the birthplace of jazz, and being that my own particular approach, when it’s at its best — and it’s not always achievable — is jazz in terms of the style of acting. And when I say jazz, I mean you know your lines so well that you go off your lines and you improvise and then the people you work with improvise with you and you pick it up and then you rephrase and you form. If you look at the Miles Davis story, it’s a really interesting documentary and there are some really good passages about jazz and Herbie Hancock talks about it brilliantly and it’s like we were all magicians picking up each other’s phrases musically and then Miles would come in and put a lid on it and that’s exactly what I was hoping to get to with ‘The Bad Lieutenant.’”

Of his upcoming role in Jerry Bruckheimer’s The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Cage said it was more like when Miles Davis and Herbie Hancock were jamming, and then Kenny G came in with his dopey flute sax and started playing his echo-y oatmeal music, so Miles Davis grabbed it out of his hand and shoved it up his ass, and then Kenny G started farting, and the farts were coming out of the sax in these weird squeaks and rattles, and sometimes he’d really let one go with a lot of gas, and it would sound just like Kenny G’s normal sax playing.  Hence the slogan, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice: a soprano sax filled with farts.

I’m not going to pretend I’m qualified to name this year’s best movies (more qualified than most who make these lists, but still) or that I saw every movie, but people on the internet love lists, and I love money.  I find that the strippers object when you try to stuff post-it notes in their vaginas.  On that note, here are the 10 movies of 2009 that I would stuff in my vagina like a $1,000 dollar bill.  KNIVES OUT!

1. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
I need to see this again to truly understand what I experienced, but if I’m honest, it was probably the most fun I had in a theater this year. (I should’ve gone with Alanis Morissette *frownie*) Was it fun because it was really good, or just really crazy and weird?  I don’t really know.  But isn’t it a little unfair to make that distinction?

2.  The Hurt Locker
Definitely the most well-made movie this year.  It was a simple, straightforward plot, but it was well-acted, perfectly shot, and as tense as waiting for your STD-test results.  It really took you to another place, and that’s what it’s all about, right?  (other than being able to sit on your ass and eat nachos).  Every director should study the way this was storyboarded and edited. Especially Brett Ratner, that guy sucks.

3. Anvil! The Story of Anvil
What can I say, there’s just something about middle-aged men trying to live out their childhood dreams while repeatedly getting kicked in the face that does it for me.  It kept making me teary-eyed without feeling like it was trying really hard to do so (like Up). Damn you, you lovable Canadians.

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This time of year there are way too many awards and top 10 lists for me to cover all of them.  But I’ll cover Roger Ebert’s, because he’s the opposite of Pete Hammond.  I.e., intelligent, credible.  Ebert splits his list into two parts, mainstream movies and indies.  Here are his mainstream 10 (from his Sun-Times blog):

(ordered alphabetically)

1. Bad Lieutenant (See? I told you.)
2. Crazy Heart
3. An Education
4. The Hurt Locker (Recommending The Hurt Locker is the easiest decision a film critic will make)
5. Inglourious Basterds
6. Knowing (Really?  Does this mean I have to see this movie now?  I can’t imagine it not sucking.)
7. Precious (Sad fatty)
8. A Serious Man (Why is this not getting a wide release again?  It’s the f-cking Coen Brothers.  If ever there was a way to bring good films into the mainstream it’s through the Coen Brothers.  God, I hate people sometimes.  A lot.  Usually.)
   
9. Up in the Air
10. The White Ribbon

Jury Prize: Avatar (I agree.  Just because the story kinda sucked doesn’t mean it wasn’t an enjoyable, memorable experience.)

That’s right, Nic Cage stars in two of the top 10 movies according to America’s top film critic.  In related news, my cat just downed a highball of whiskey, smoked a cigarette, and had sex with my dog while it rained lizards.  Singing iguanas, to be precise.

I tried to tell you guys that Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans is awesome, but don’t take my word for it, I’m just a guy in a windowless van filled with cats.  Take it from Werner Herzog, he’s, uh… a crazy German guy… who got shot in the belly and laughed about it.  Dang, I may have to rewrite this.

Amped up, antic and crackling with chemical intensity, Nic Cage’s performance moved movie critic Roger Ebert to observe: “Cage is as good as anyone since Klaus Kinski at portraying a man whose head is exploding.”
Cage’s tweaker technique was so realistic, it caused the movie’s director, Werner Herzog — who worked with Kinski on five films — to call into question what the Oscar winner was really putting up his nose.

Was it ants?  Please say it was ants.

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Opening this weekend:

2012 opens this weekend.  You know it, I know it, the kids in my rape van know it.  I’ve already featured the trailer, the disaster porn version of the trailer, the no-effects trailer, and my favorite, the Raising Arizona music trailer.  Anyway, it looks fun, and it’ll probably make a lot of money.  Other than that, you’ve got Pirate Radio, which has a great cast but also a guy walking into a lamp post in the trailer, Fantastic Mr. Fox opening in NY and LA, Black Dynamite playing a few more places, and probably some other stuff that I don’t want to look up because it’s Friday.  How about you just watch this awesome clip from Bad Lieutenant and we call it a week, shall we?

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