Last time we heard about Relativity Media’s reboot (remake?) of The Crow, Juan Carlos Fresnadillo was directing and it was set to star Bradley Cooper in the lead. Which is like casting the captain of the lacrosse team as the head goth. To make matters worse, leaked concept art had Cooper wearing a top hat like Slash with a vest and basically looking like a Jonas Brother with eyeliner (the horror…). Fresnadillo and Cooper both wisely bailed on the project in late 2011, and, I sh*t you not, Relativity wanted to cast Mark Wahlberg or Channing Tatum instead. Now they’ve got another three-named Latino directing, F. Javier Gutierrez, and word is that James McAvoy is “circling” the lead, whatever that means.

Anyone else wonder if they just floated those ideas about Bradley Cooper and Channing Tatum so that this one would sound less stupid?

Bloody Disgusting has been on the forefront on most of the casting news for Relativity’s The Crow reboot. And even though we were once mocked for announcing that Mark Wahlberg was in serious discussion, it eventually came out via the actor that we were 100% correct. The same insider is back again with another whopper of a tip…
James McAvoy, who blew our minds as Charles Xavier in X-Men: First Class, is circling Relativity’s long-gestured remake. He would star as Eric Draven, a man brutally murdered whom comes back to life as an undead avenger of his and his fiancée’s murder. [Bloody-Disgusting]

Back in 1994, those heady days of Friends and Green Day starting mudfights, a goth hero in face paint and tight black leathers killing people and wailing on the guitar seemed fresh and kind of novel (as did Bai Ling). In 2013, I have to assume that we’re going to get Slipknot songs and a Crow who looks like Mask from Tapout (*pours out energy drink*). I mean Slipknot is best case scenario. But who knows, I’m sure the company that thought Brad Cooper in a tophat was a good idea can make the kind of creative decisions that will keep this both fresh and respectful. Godspeed, you geniuses.

My idea for a reboot is called The Crowe, about a fat Australian who goes around throwing meat pies at people who make fun of his band. The key to his invincibility is an old hoagie he keeps in his pocket.

I’m including this clip from Go, because even though it came out 13 years ago, it sums up my feelings on Family Circus. Time has not been kind to The Family Circus, mainly because The Family Circus was always terrible. I hated it when I was six, I hated it when I was 16, and I’ll hate it when I’m 66. It sucks. It lacks even the basic clever gimmick of Garfield or Marmaduke. It consists solely of lazy illustrations of lazy germs of lazy sitcom jokes, a moron’s tweets before Twitter. Liking The Family Circus is one of the 12 early warning signs of mental retardation according to the American Journal of Science. A few years back, I used

Fox and Walden Media are running away with “Family Circus,” hiring the writing team of Nichole Millard and Kathryn Price to adapt the comicstrip as a live action project.
“Family Circus” has been in development since 2010, when Fox and Walden picked up the feature rights and set up the project with Jon Baldecchi and Stacy Maes.
Bil Keane debuted the comicstrip in 1960 that was based on his own family. In recent years, the strip has been drawn by Bill’s son Jeff Keane.
Millard and Price just sold the “Grievances” series pitch to ABC as a look at the co-dependent friendship between a single woman and happily married mother of three, who start their own law firm after being screwed over by their male bosses.
Their first feature film was Disney’s “The Game Plan,” and they are currently adapting the young adult novel “Fallen” for Mayhem Pictures and Inferno.

It could be good, who knows, all they have to work with is a generic family and a series of haircuts. I don’t pretend to know what magic these artists could weave from those threads. What I do know is that you could freeze one of your own turds and draw a stick figure with it and it would easily be a better starting premise than Family Circus.

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I’ve often said of Cam Gigandet that I’d rather staple my scrotum to a moving helicopter rotor than have to stare at that goblin-faced baboon for a single second, but once again my pleas have been ignored. Gigandet has been hired to star in Rich Johnson a comedy about… wait for it… a man arguing with his own personified penis. Get it? “Rich Johnson?” I mean, it’s pretty subtle.

“Twilight” thesp Cam Gigandet and comedian Nick Thune (right) are set to star in the raunchy indie comedy “Johnson,” which is a co-production between 2DS Prods. and Roman’s Empire.

Huck Botko (“The Virginity Hit”) is directing from a script by Jeff Tetreault.

Gigandet will play Rich Johnson, a charismatic womanizer who receives his comeuppance after his penis mysteriously leaves his body and takes human form (Thune). Stripped of his manhood and pitted against his alter ego, protag must find a way to get his johnson back while learning how to be a better man in the process. [Variety]

If there’s one role that Cam Gigandet was born to play, it’s talking penis. Is that supposed to be the joke, casting him against type like this?

The queen bathes in Gargoyle jizz

Universal Chief Ron Meyer won major points with me last month when he admitted that his studio had made “a lot of sh*tty movies.” And also “Wolfman and Babe 2 are two of the shittiest movies we put out. … Cowboys & Aliens wasn’t good enough. Land of the Lost was just crap.” He also said he doesn’t really like 3D. So, basically he’s got the “ability to recognize past mistakes” part down, but he sounds a lot more shaky on his ability to avoid future ones. Here’s what he said about Universal’s upcoming Snow White & the Huntsman:

Meyer said that while the upcoming Snow White and the Huntsman doesn’t appear to lend itself to a sequel, Universal thinks it can do more movies based on the character of the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) if it is successful. [THR]

Now, to bring you all up to speed, a quick trip down the rabbit hole with me: Snow White and the Huntsman, roughly the twelfth movie coming out this year to assume the Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter derivative mash-up structure, is a movie about an evil queen played by Charlize Theron, who one day finds out that she’s no longer the fairest in the land, because somewhere out there, Snow White, played by Kristen Stewart, is fairer. So the queen sends out Chris Hemsworth (The Huntsman, aka Thor) to kill Snow White, only The Huntsman betrays her and instead teaches Snow White the arts of war so she can lead an armed insurrection against the queen like Joan of Arc. Yes, Kristen Stewart, the heartburn/lip-bite chick from Twilight. If Universal thinks it can make sequels based on The Huntsman, maybe they should’ve just made The Huntsman, because all that other stuff sounds pretty stupid. “It’s John McClane! Don’t you remember him? He’s the guy who put Humpty Dumpty back together again.”

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I’ve been in the blogging business long enough to know a winner when I hear one, and this concept is GOLD, JERRY, GOLD. Jon Turteltaub (National Treasure) is directing a script by Dan Fogelman (Fred Claus) about four retirees in Vegas for a bachelor party. The title? “Last Vegas.” Dear me, it seems my bow tie won’t stop spinning.

Jon Turteltaub is in negotiations to direct “Last Vegas” for CBS Films and Mandate Pictures.
Dan Fogelman penned the story of four best friends in their late 60s who decide to escape retirement and throw a Las Vegas bachelor party for the only one of them who remains single. [Variety]

Betty White as the hooker with a heart of gold or GTFO.