(How nice am I for using former gladiator Gina Carano for the banner pic instead of Titan? That guy is gayer than Liberace cornholing a Care Bear.)
American Gladiators was only ever successful in the highly competitive, Saturday-afternoon-between-football-games time slot. NBC tried to run it at prime time in 2008 and it got canceled after 21 episodes. But there’s still an American Gladiators movie in the works, because hey, people have heard of it, right? There’s no surer sign of creative bankruptcy than reviving an idea that wasn’t that good 20 years ago.
Patriot Games/Varsity Blues scribe Peter Iliff will write a screenplay based on an idea by former Legendary Pictures chief marketing officer Scott Mednickis who is producing the feature. Iliff is probably best known for writing Point Break, and recently wrote the upcoming sequel Point Break Indo.
The film will be set inside the world created in the tv show and will present “a compelling story that launches a whole new set of characters” with the “Herculean characters as superheroes.” [/Film]
Did anyone honestly ever watch some roided-out freak with shaved pits knock a guy into a pool with a giant Q-tip and think, “Oh my gosh, they’ve created a whole new world!” Because that’s what I like to call “Friday.”
Hollywood is making a movie about the origins of the environmental activist group Greenpeace, so naturally they hired Jon Turtletaub, the guy who directed 3 Ninjas.
Set primarily in the late 1970s and early 1980s, story will be told through the eyes of the controversial organization’s charismatic founding members, Bob Hunter and Rex Weyler. The duo led an eccentric group of pacifists, ecologists, musicians, teachers, sailors, and scientists as they attempted — often successfully — to disrupt American and French nuclear bomb tests, Japanese and Russian whaling ships and Norwegian infant harp seal hunters.
Holy sh-t, Norway lets their infants hunt harp seals? Scandinavia is so metal.
Two books will shape the narrative: Weyler’s “Greenpeace: How a Group of Ecologists, Journalists, and Visionaries Changed the World” and Hunter’s “Warriors of the Rainbow: A Chronicle of the Greenpeace Movement.” [Editor's Note: Gayest. Title. Ever. Might as well call yourselves "Sparkleponies of Justice."] The producers are looking to hire a writer for the project and have had early discussions with Aaron Sorkin. [Variety]
It’s easy to make fun of them for hiring the director of 3 Ninjas to shoot a film about complex issues of environmental activism, but I realize it’s a little unfair. After all, he also directed The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, National Treasure, The Kid, and Cool Runnings. “Hooray, we turned back a whaling ship!”
(*Air guitar, record scratch, bike horn, bass riff from Seinfeld*)
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After three movies, Robert Zemeckis is still dead set on this motion-capture stuff even though no one besides him seems to like it. I don’t hate it, I just don’t really get it. If you want the characters to look sort of like the actors but stylized, use makeup. It looks better. If you want them to look nothing like reality, just animate them altogether. Mo-cap is a weird, off-putting hybrid, like John Travolta in drag (as opposed to an awesome hybrid, like bearsharktopus). Anyway, the jury’s still out on whether A Christmas Carol will be a success or a bomb, but Zemeckis is already doubling down on the mo-crap with an adaptation of The Nutcracker. From Pajiba:
To be sure, this is not an adaptation of the popular Tchaikovsky ballet (fathers everywhere can breath a sigh of relief) but an adaptation of E.T.A. Hoffmann’s original novel, The Nutcracker and the Mouse King. Zemeckis’ The Nutcracker will be a faithful adaptation, as well. It’ll be a period piece, set in 19th century Russia, which will explore how the cursed Nutcracker character came to be and the battle between the dolls and the mice.
You catch that? The Nutcracker, it’s about rich, 19th century kids’ toys that come to life, not what your mom used to eat at frat parties. Though if you ask me, the idea still sounds a little, shall we say, jacked off on.
After Funny People came out, I wondered aloud, “can Adam Sandler continue to do the type of movies he’s making fun of himself for in this?” For an answer to this question, we turn to today’s Variety:
The actor will next star in the romantic comedy “Jack and Jill” and produce via his Happy Madison shingle. Sandler will play Jack as well as twin sister Jill. The project was brought to Happy Madison by Todd Garner (”Paul Blart: Mall Cop”).
You can say Funny People was overlong and self-indulgent, it was still the best thing Adam Sandler’s done in 10 years. It was honest, he was actually trying, and he made you remember, oh yeah, this guy’s actually really funny. And how did we reward him? With his first box office flop, pretty much ever. So now we get Adam Sandler playing Jack and Jill in a script from the writer of Paul Blart Mall Cop. Game over, man, game over. I’m starting to think Adam Sandler’s talent is a metaphor for the American Indian.
(*sheds single tear*)
A remake of Short Circuit is a really good idea, as you can see from this quote by one of the producers:
We’re bringing Number 5 into the 21st Century and taking advantage of the improvements in robotics that are so massive that robots are now performing heart surgeries in hospitals,” Producer David Foster said. [Variety]
And in case you still had any doubts about a remake, don’t. They hired the director of Paul Blart: Mall Cop to direct it. He’s Sassy Ostrich’s favorite.
Dimension Films has signed Steve Carr to direct “Short Circuit,” the remake of the 1986 sci-fi pic. Carr is coming off the Kevin James hit “Paul Blart: Mall Cop.” Scripted by Dan Milano (”Robot Chicken”), the remake is a robot reboot that brings the iconic Johnny 5 into the 21st century. Built by the military to be a highly sophisticated weapon, Johnny 5 develops a conscience and personality after being hit by lightning. He befriends a lonely boy and his fractured family. [Variety]
Look, I have as fond of memories of Johnny 5 as the next guy, especially the time those Puerto Ricans taught him how to steal car stereos. But calling Johnny 5 “iconic” is like saying The Noid is an American institution.
