The queen bathes in Gargoyle jizz

Universal Chief Ron Meyer won major points with me last month when he admitted that his studio had made “a lot of sh*tty movies.” And also “Wolfman and Babe 2 are two of the shittiest movies we put out. … Cowboys & Aliens wasn’t good enough. Land of the Lost was just crap.” He also said he doesn’t really like 3D. So, basically he’s got the “ability to recognize past mistakes” part down, but he sounds a lot more shaky on his ability to avoid future ones. Here’s what he said about Universal’s upcoming Snow White & the Huntsman:

Meyer said that while the upcoming Snow White and the Huntsman doesn’t appear to lend itself to a sequel, Universal thinks it can do more movies based on the character of the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) if it is successful. [THR]

Now, to bring you all up to speed, a quick trip down the rabbit hole with me: Snow White and the Huntsman, roughly the twelfth movie coming out this year to assume the Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter derivative mash-up structure, is a movie about an evil queen played by Charlize Theron, who one day finds out that she’s no longer the fairest in the land, because somewhere out there, Snow White, played by Kristen Stewart, is fairer. So the queen sends out Chris Hemsworth (The Huntsman, aka Thor) to kill Snow White, only The Huntsman betrays her and instead teaches Snow White the arts of war so she can lead an armed insurrection against the queen like Joan of Arc. Yes, Kristen Stewart, the heartburn/lip-bite chick from Twilight. If Universal thinks it can make sequels based on The Huntsman, maybe they should’ve just made The Huntsman, because all that other stuff sounds pretty stupid. “It’s John McClane! Don’t you remember him? He’s the guy who put Humpty Dumpty back together again.”

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I’ve been in the blogging business long enough to know a winner when I hear one, and this concept is GOLD, JERRY, GOLD. Jon Turteltaub (National Treasure) is directing a script by Dan Fogelman (Fred Claus) about four retirees in Vegas for a bachelor party. The title? “Last Vegas.” Dear me, it seems my bow tie won’t stop spinning.

Jon Turteltaub is in negotiations to direct “Last Vegas” for CBS Films and Mandate Pictures.
Dan Fogelman penned the story of four best friends in their late 60s who decide to escape retirement and throw a Las Vegas bachelor party for the only one of them who remains single. [Variety]

Betty White as the hooker with a heart of gold or GTFO.

Casting America’s most blue-eyed WASP Bradley Cooper as the mixed-race goth icon in The Crow remake is one of the dumber ideas to come out of Hollywood, a town built on terrible ideas. Now Cooper is out, supposedly because of scheduling (though I prefer to think that he finally came to his handsome senses thanks to one of those Limitless pills). Now the actors being named as possible replacements are… Channing Tatum and Mark Wahlberg (who was basically C-Tates before C-Tates was C-Tates). Yes, I’m sure fans of The Crow will be delighted either way…

Bradley Cooper was to have played the title character but sources tell The Hollywood Reporter that he has now exited due to scheduling conflicts. Cooper has David O. Russell’s Silver Linings Playbook shooting this fall and then dives straight into Legendary’s Paradise Lost, which shoots first quarter next year…the exact time Relativity plans on making the high-priority Crow.
But akin to the project’s rock musician who is killed and resurrected [editor's note: no, not really like that at all...], two new names have surfaced as possible replacements: Channing Tatum and Mark Wahlberg. [THR]

They don’t say why those names are being mentioned or by whom, but if true, it sounds like this project has gone from WASP to whigger! And I think I speak for everyone here when I say that “From WASP to Whigger” would make an awesome reality show on VH-1 in which Channing Tatum takes a Northeastern blue blood and turns him into the white Flava-Flav of a Florida strip mall (with special guest Chet Haze!). Holy crap, thank God I’m already writing this down.

Yesterday I posted the first batch of pictures, and now we have a full-length trailer for the MTV Films-sponsored remake of Footloose, which is pretty much indistinguishable from a sequel to Step Up to the Streets.  In the new version, Kenny Wormald, playing Kevin Bacon’s old character Ren McCormack, moves from Bawston (Bacon was from Chicago in the original) to Bomont, Tennessee, where the town preacher, Dennis Quaid in a sweater, has banned dancing (MY FAATHAH; HE DON’T GET OUT MUCH).  Eventually Ren learns the real reason dancing has been banned: three years ago, some seniors coming home from an underground dance party were killed in a car accident.  Uh… what?  Ignoring the dislogic of this plot device, Ren sets out to prove the preacher wrong, by showing him what a slut his daughter is.  Presumably, it all ends with a tense courtroom battle, an impassioned speech.  “Ya rawnah? I may nawt be from heah, and you may hate me fa my Twilight hayuh and queah sunglasses, but if I know one thing in this world, it’s this: Dancing to the music of daahkies is NAWT the prawblem.  That’s why me an’ ya daughtah ah going to Hawllywood to be on America’s Best Dance Crew, AN YOU CAN’T STAWP US!”  (*slow clap*) GO SAWX

"I told ya she was an MTV whoah."

Meet Milijenko Parserisas Bukovic (that’s so weird, MY middle name is Parserisas!). The 56-year-old newspaper vendor from Mexico has 82 tattoos of Julia Roberts, and sources say he may eventually win the prison Oscar for “Most Hardcore.”  Do you think he has one above his armpit that makes it look like she has a huge 70s bush?  God that would be awesome.

He has so far spent a million Mexican pesos (just over £51,000) [$82,000] for the 82 tattoos. The newspaper vendor’s obsession with tattoos of Roberts started after he watched her in Erin Brockovich.

Time out.  You’re paying $1,000 PER Julia Roberts tattoo… in MEXICO? My God, I haven’t heard of someone getting hosed this bad since the people who bought a ticket to Eat, Pray, Love.

The American actress is tattooed all over Mr Parserisas’ body in artwork inspired by a number of scenes from the film. The Roberts fanatic has said that he has plans to get more faces inked on his chest, back and arms.
As long as he has the space on his body and the money, his tattoo tribute will continue. [MetroUK]

Oh, I wouldn’t say he’s a fanatic, just an enthusiast, really.  You think he knows she was wearing a water bra in that movie and that her boobs aren’t really that big?  I mean, I’m not trying to say breast size should be an accurate barometer for obsession… okay, that’s exactly what I’m saying.  I have a tattoo of Julianne Moore on my left testicle.  It hurt a lot, but it’s worth it because I know it will age along with her.