A photoshop as skillfull as this project

I let this story slip under the radar when it broke a few days ago, so thanks to ThePlaylist for the reminder.   The story is that Hayden Christensen, after having his career destroyed by George Lucas dialogue, is starring in, I swear I’m not making this up, “The Genesis Code.”  Hmm, that sounds like a total rip-off of the Da Vinci Code it’s tapping into a proven market hungry for this type of story.  It’s set to be directed by David R. Ellis (Snakes on a Plane, The Final Destination).

The story follows a former national security expert, played by Christensen, who, while investigating the murder of his only sister and her young son, discovers that a religious sect called The Shadow of the Cross may be involved. With the help of his sister’s friend Ana, they follow the clues to a clinic in the mountains of Italy, where a terrifying secret experiment has been conducted – successfully. The results are so threatening to the foundation of the Church that they will do anything to keep it from being revealed. [Collider]

See, the key to tapping into a proven market is to just take elements of the original and rename it so that it’s more obvious what it is.  Da Vinci Code —> The Genesis Code. The Illuminati —> Shadow of the Cross.  Wall E —> The Curious Trash Robot.  Tom Hanks —> Hayden Christensen.  Oh, but the lulz don’t end there.  Come with me after the jump if you want to read some awesomely asinine press release quotes.
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That’s right, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is set to become a movie, thanks to Summit, who bought the rights the story, which had previously been in development at Fox 2000.  The sad thing is, it’s not surprising that they’re making a movie out of a storyless, 1992, research-driven guide book.  The surprising part is that it’s taken them this long.  Cue the asinine PR quote:

“‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus’ is not just the title of a book, or what we know will become an amazing film and TV franchise – it is a pop cultural mainstay and comically, sadly, romantically, all too often still true these many years after first being published,” said Eric Feig, Summit’s president of production. [Variety]

Hmm… so would you consider it comic, tragic, or romantic that I want to punch you in the kidneys until you piss blood?  I don’t get it, are people worried that it’ll make them look bad if they talk like a human being in a press release? Anyway, still no word on how they plan to turn this book into a movie, but dollars to donuts it involves Ashton Kutcher and an assh*le kid in a stupid hat.

Women be shoppin’.

As if it wasn’t enough to charge you more for 3D movie tickets, you’ll now be subjected to 3D commercials prior to your 3D movies.  The accompanying Hollywood Reporter article is a veritable Nazi orgy of awful marketing douche-speak.

A father at an aquarium reaches into the tank, carves out a block of water full of manta rays and fish and brings it home, placing it into a Samsung television set in his living room. When he and his family don 3D glasses and settle onto the sofa, the sea life swims out of the TV toward them. “Ever wonder how amazing it would be to experience life in another dimension?” asks the voice-over.

I have wondered that.  Then one time I actually turned my eyes away from the screen, and when I saw the world present itself to me in three dimensions, I sh*t my pants in fear.  My game had been changed.  And two or three days later, so had my underwear.

“3D is a new dimension, literally and figuratively,” says Peggy Ang, vp marketing communications for the consumer electronics division of Samsung Electronics America.

…and the sound of a million people groaning simultaneously echoed throughout the city.

“In the past three months, we’ve seen more interest from advertisers than you can humanly imagine,” says Cliff Marks, president of sales and marketing at NCM Media Networks, the digital in-theater network that includes AMC Entertainment, Cinemark Holdings and Regal Entertainment Group.

More interest than I can imagine humanly?  What if I pretend to be a sea otter, then will I be able to imagine it?  Please, I just want to know more about this exciting business opportunity.
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When we first heard Night at the Museum‘s Shawn Levy was directing a movie about robot boxers starring Hugh Jackman (and this before we saw the trailer for Levy’s latest, Date Night), this quote left us with little doubt it’d be a total train wreck:

“In a movie filled with these mechanical warriors, at its core ‘Real Steel’ is an incredibly human story.”

I don’t trust anyone who’d have the balls to say something that lame out loud. Anyway, Levy recently had a chance to discuss the project and say more stupid things with SciFiWire:

“It’s faithful to the [Richard Matheson] story in that that it was very much about a down-on-his-luck, slightly desperate journeyman who works in this robot boxing sport and who is desperately needing redemption and one last shot. The movie is more Rocky than Transformers.”

Uh, sweet?

Levy has not cast the main character’s son yet but has a good idea about the robots. “They are most definitely not Transformers, not Terminators, definitely not WALL-Es, either,” Levy said. “Unlike a lot of these others, these are human-built, human-scale fighting machines. “

You mean like… Terminators?

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Variety reports that Scorpion King director Chuck Russell is set to do a $70 million, 3D re-working of Arabian Nights, aka 1,001 Nights.  Here’s the plot of the original (which varies, but these are the basics):

A Persian king begins to marry a succession of virgins only to execute each one the next morning. Eventually the vizier, whose duty it is to provide them, cannot find any more virgins. Scheherazade, the vizier’s daughter, offers herself as the next bride and her father reluctantly agrees. On the night of their marriage, Scheherazade begins to tell the king a tale, but does not end it. The king is thus forced to postpone her execution in order to hear the conclusion. The next night, as soon as she finishes the tale, she begins a new one, and the king, eager to hear the conclusion, postpones her execution once again. So it goes on for 1,001 nights.

Now, here’s the Hollywood version:

In a new spin on the classic, the story follows a young commander who, after his king is killed in a palace coup, joins forces with Sinbad, Aladdin and his genie to rescue Scheherazade and her kingdom from dark powers.

BUT WAIT, THAT’S NOT THE FACEPALM PART!

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