When we first heard Night at the Museum’s Shawn Levy was directing a movie about robot boxers starring Hugh Jackman (and this before we saw the trailer for Levy’s latest, Date Night), this quote left us with little doubt it’d be a total train wreck:
“In a movie filled with these mechanical warriors, at its core ‘Real Steel’ is an incredibly human story.”
I don’t trust anyone who’d have the balls to say something that lame out loud. Anyway, Levy recently had a chance to discuss the project and say more stupid things with SciFiWire:
“It’s faithful to the [Richard Matheson] story in that that it was very much about a down-on-his-luck, slightly desperate journeyman who works in this robot boxing sport and who is desperately needing redemption and one last shot. The movie is more Rocky than Transformers.”
Uh, sweet?
Levy has not cast the main character’s son yet but has a good idea about the robots. “They are most definitely not Transformers, not Terminators, definitely not WALL-Es, either,” Levy said. “Unlike a lot of these others, these are human-built, human-scale fighting machines. “
You mean like… Terminators?
Variety reports that Scorpion King director Chuck Russell is set to do a $70 million, 3D re-working of Arabian Nights, aka 1,001 Nights. Here’s the plot of the original (which varies, but these are the basics):
A Persian king begins to marry a succession of virgins only to execute each one the next morning. Eventually the vizier, whose duty it is to provide them, cannot find any more virgins. Scheherazade, the vizier’s daughter, offers herself as the next bride and her father reluctantly agrees. On the night of their marriage, Scheherazade begins to tell the king a tale, but does not end it. The king is thus forced to postpone her execution in order to hear the conclusion. The next night, as soon as she finishes the tale, she begins a new one, and the king, eager to hear the conclusion, postpones her execution once again. So it goes on for 1,001 nights.
Now, here’s the Hollywood version:
In a new spin on the classic, the story follows a young commander who, after his king is killed in a palace coup, joins forces with Sinbad, Aladdin and his genie to rescue Scheherazade and her kingdom from dark powers.
BUT WAIT, THAT’S NOT THE FACEPALM PART!
(Meet Retard Pig, Chief of Board Game Property Acquisitions at Sony)
Amazing. After View-Master, Battleship, Candyland, and Monopoly were bought as movie properties, you’d think the people involved would be tarred, feathered, and exiled to Dr. Moreau’s Island O’ Dipsh-ts. But this is Hollywood, so instead everyone copied them. Like Sony, who just bought Risk, the game of world domination.
Property, which pits players against one another in a quest to annex all of the world’s territories, has become desirable thanks to the box office success of the Paramount adaptations of Hasbro’s Transformers and G.I. Joe.
Risk is like Transformers because…. uh… they’re both toys? Kids play with them both? By that logic, my penis is a video game.
“The strategic thinking and the tactical gambles that players must take in the game are what make Risk a classic, thoroughly engaging game,” said Columbia prexy Doug Belgrad. “Those elements translated into an action-packed, thrilling story are what will make this a uniquely exciting movie.” [Variety]
Here, I’ve got something for you to option. It’s the word “adventure.” This is a proven property that’s sure to be a great movie, all you have to do is write it.
Optioning board games as movie properties is the most idiotic trend since the Easter Island natives cut down all their trees to make giant head statues and had to eat each other.
A remake of Short Circuit is a really good idea, as you can see from this quote by one of the producers:
We’re bringing Number 5 into the 21st Century and taking advantage of the improvements in robotics that are so massive that robots are now performing heart surgeries in hospitals,” Producer David Foster said. [Variety]
And in case you still had any doubts about a remake, don’t. They hired the director of Paul Blart: Mall Cop to direct it. He’s Sassy Ostrich’s favorite.
Dimension Films has signed Steve Carr to direct “Short Circuit,” the remake of the 1986 sci-fi pic. Carr is coming off the Kevin James hit “Paul Blart: Mall Cop.” Scripted by Dan Milano (”Robot Chicken”), the remake is a robot reboot that brings the iconic Johnny 5 into the 21st century. Built by the military to be a highly sophisticated weapon, Johnny 5 develops a conscience and personality after being hit by lightning. He befriends a lonely boy and his fractured family. [Variety]
Look, I have as fond of memories of Johnny 5 as the next guy, especially the time those Puerto Ricans taught him how to steal car stereos. But calling Johnny 5 “iconic” is like saying The Noid is an American institution.
When Seth Green’s “on-set freakout video” hit the web the other day, I like many others, dismissed it as fake and promptly ignored it. Then they released “security cam footage” a couple days later supposedly showing the mugging he was pissed about, and the mugging looked a little too clear, and the freakout still seemed a little too cliché, but I wondered if maybe I was just jaded from too many lame viral videos. Turns out, not.
[From YahooFinance via videogum] Nestlé USA today announced the launch of “Dude, Where’s My Bar?” an innovative online narrative game for consumers to help solve the mystery surrounding the October 2 theft of Green’s vintage Butterfinger bar. The “lite” alternate reality game starring Seth Green will call upon the clever, irreverent thinking of Butterfinger fans, as they compete to find and solve clues that could lead to the return of Green’s missing bar and a one-of-a-kind grand prize: a solid-gold Butterfinger bar worth $10,000.
Green collaborated with Butterfinger to produce “Dude, Where’s My Bar?” using comedy and the real world as a platform [comedy and the real world? how innovative!]. Dubbed an “alternate reality game lite” (ARGL) [!!!], DudeWheresMyBar.com propels fans into an entertaining storyline created by the comedic genius of Green and the one-and-only iconic candy bar brand.
Oh man, there’s no surer sign of marketing genius than faking a violent crime to sell candy bars! Hey, did you see Jennifer Love Hewitt getting brutally raped on the set of Ghost Hunter the other day? PSYCHE! Turns out they just wanted her Hot Pocket! So disband your lynch mobs and send them on over to Albertson’s for our new gangrape gruyere, you hungry vigilante you. Seriously though, I wish these people would all die in a car fire. Join me after the jump for an awful PR quote circle jerk party.
