(The Bruce Campbell mammogram machine made preventative cancer check-ups fun and sexy.)

For the record, I hate giving superheroes cutesy nicknames like they’re my frat bros, but I gotta keep these headlines down to one line so there you go.  Anyway, Sam Raimi favorite and all-around awesome guy Bruce Campbell recently told Access Hollywood that he’ll have “a major part” in Spider-Man 4, which is set to start filming in January.  A fourth Spider-Man isn’t the best idea, but it’s hard to go wrong with more Bruce Campbell (who’s previously had cameos as a wrestling announcer, a waiter, and theater usher).  Bruce Campbell is like a cross between Robert Downey Jr. and Patrick Warburton, and I would f’ck both those guys.  Wait, what?  Who typed that?

No word yet on what role he might play, but might I suggest the obvious?  Bruce Campbell should play Bruce Campbell with an evil hand.  It would make it awesome and meta-fictional, like JCVD but less Belgian.  And with more webbing.

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Well this sounds like a really good movie. From Pajiba:

One of the films currently playing at FrightFest over in the UK is a movie called Human Centipede: First Sequence [from surprisingly not-Japanese writer-director Tom Six]. The plot, essentially, is this: A respected Siamese Twin surgeon [I picture him in a crisp suit with ouroboros cufflinks -Ed.] has developed his future vision of the world. He wants to remove all humans’ kneecaps and then graft the humans together, mouth-to-anus, to form a human centipede. He kidnaps two American women and a Japanese man and begins the tissue matches, teeth removal, and buttock moulding to create his triplet creature.

The creature’s name?  You guessed it, Danny Masterson.

Mickey Rourke is the most hilariously candid person in Hollywood, the awesome uncle you never had.  You can just see him bellying up to the bar and being like, “Make ya a deal, son, you buy us a drink and I’ll tell ya aaall about the trouble with the Orientals.”  He recently talked Iron Man 2 and was awesome as usual:

Rourke, for his part, wanted to instill some lightness into the role. “I told Favreau, ‘I don’t want to just play him as a one-dimensional p—-,’” he says. “He let me have a cockatoo, who I talk to and get drunk with while I’m making my suit.” [EW via Cinematical]

I like to picture Mickey Rourke doing his lines, and then in the middle of a scene throwing down his script in disgust.  “Aw hell, this crap’s too one dimensional!  But I know how to fix it: Fetch me a fifth of bourbon, and a parrot!“  And they’ll do it.  Because it’s Mickey Rourke.  He can bring a tear to your eye, because you know you’ll be seeing not just a drunk Russian yelling at his parrot, but his humanity.

The Beaver is a script that topped last year’s black list, a list of the most-liked unproduced screenplays as voted on by 250 execs.  Originally, Steve Carell was attached to star.  That fell through, and then Jim Carrey was supposedly campaigning for it (accompanied by the awesome headline “Jim Carrey may sink his teeth into beaver”).  Now it looks like the star will be Mel Gibson, with Jodie Foster on to direct.

“Beaver” centers on the relationship between a man and a beaver puppet he wears on his arm, which he talks to and treats as a companion.  Kyle Killen’s script has generated enormous interest in development circles, drawing comparisons to “Being John Malkovich” and ‘Lars and the Real Girl.” [THR]

Foster boarded the project and brought it to Gibson, with whom she co-starred in 1994′s “Maverick.” Financing for the $18 million-$19 million pic has yet to be finalized. Pic brings Foster back to feature directing for the third time, after 1991′s “Little Man Tate” and 1995′s “Home for the Holidays.” [Variety]

My sources tell me Gibson has already been getting into character by wearing the beaver puppet everywhere he goes and talking to it.  “That’s right, take the money, you greedy little Jew,” he’ll say to it as he gets money out of the ATM.  Later he’ll punch random strangers with it, “Look at you, starting another war,” he’ll say.  “Just like a Jew.”

South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone are teaming up with a writer of the puppet play Avenue Q to bring Mormon Musical to Broadway.

“Mormon Musical” will start rehearsals next month and star Cheyenne Jackson.
The new show is “hilarious – very acerbic and biting,” said Jackson, whose last Broadway show was “Xanadu.”
It deals with the lives and loves of Mormons and “offends everybody, but [also] does what ‘South Park’ does best, which is by the end, it comes around and has something great to say,” Jackson said. [NY Post]

I’m pretty wary whenever pop culture deals with Mormons because I love making fun of them, and all it would take is one or two A-holes to completely ruin it for me.  But Avenue Q is pretty much the best play ever and the Mormon episode of South Park (you can watch the full episode for free here) is one of the most honest (yet still funny) portrayals of Mormons I’ve ever seen.  Bottom line, it’s going to be a shame when they outbreed us all.  In fact, it’s a travesty that there are so many zombie movies when the Mormon invasion theme is completely untapped.  Mormons are scarier than zombies because they smile all the time and have stupid haircuts.  Plus they drink pee and consume the flesh of the unborn.  So I’ve heard.