A drunk guy wearing a Darth Vader mask was tazed and pepper sprayed by police after he refused to stop laying in the middle of the street yesterday and attacked officers. Guess where it happened. Go ahead, guess. I’ll give you a hint: it wasn’t NOT Florida.

Michael Cole, 28, of Orlando, was arrested on felony charges of resisting arrest and battery on an officer.
According to the FHP, a construction worker informed the trooper around 2:45 a.m. of an intoxicated man wearing a Darth Vader mask who was walking in the middle of a road near Summerlin Avenue and Anderson Street.
The trooper approached the masked man, later identified as Cole, and repeatedly asked him to get out of the road, the FHP said.  Cole instead cursed at the trooper and laid in the roadway, authorities said.
The trooper then told Cole to get up, but he attemtped to punch and kick the trooper, who deployed his Taser, according to the FHP.  Officials said Cole’s thick jacket prevented the Taser from working, so the trooper used pepper spray to subdue him.

“I sense something, a presence I’ve not felt since… AAAAGHHHHHHHH MY EYES!”

You can watch some of the video over at ClickOrlando, but the highlight was definitely the Darth Vader mask lying broken on the street next to a shoe. That’s the Floridian equivalent of the child’s toy smoldering amidst the rubble. David O. Russell was in Florida for five minutes and got busted for feeling up a trans relative! I’m surprised this stuff even makes the news over there anymore.

It looks like we’ve already got one solid lock for the FilmDrunk Memorial Drunkard of the Year, 2012 Edition. Probably nothing will ever beat this guy, but Carmen Tisch here made a valiant play for it, on the basis of sheer property damage alone. She was in the middle of admiring a $30 million Clyfford Still painting at the Clyfford Still Museum in Denver, and did what any true art lover would do: she rubbed her bare ass on it “before collapsing in a heap and urinating on herself.” My sources tell me she went to the Wexler-Cavendish Finishing School for Debutantes and summered in St. Barth’s. “This one’s a real gem!” -her neck tattoo.

A 36-year-old Denver woman, apparently drunk, leaned against an iconic Clyfford Still painting worth more than $30 million last week, punched it, slid down it and urinated on herself, according to a criminal case against Carmen Lucette Tisch.

“You have to wonder where her friends were.” said Lynn Kimbrough, a spokeswoman for the Denver District Attorney’s Office, said Wednesday.

That’s the beauty of Project Mayhem, everyone contributes in their own way.

“It doesn’t appear she urinated on the painting or that the urine damaged it, so she’s not being charged with that.”
Tisch allegedly committed the offense with her pants pulled down, according to the police report, and struck the painting repeatedly with her fist.
Damage to the painting — “1957-J-No. 2.” — is estimated at $10,000.
The painting, which is nearly 9 1/2 feet tall and 13 feet wide, is estimated between $30 million and $40 million by the museum.

I don’t know how she’s going to afford that, she doesn’t even have a pot to piss in! (*slips on banana peel, doused with silly string*)

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FINALLY! I’d been waiting for someone to post this Jason Momoa interview from UFC 132 for weeks, WEEKS, I TELL YOU! And finally it’s online. I liked it so much because, aside from the leather bowler hat/leather-vest-over-black-wifebeater combo, which is delightful, Momoa seems drunk off his ass, and not in a pathetic, Hasselhoff way, just buzzed to the point where you can see him sort of forget he’s on camera and just ramble on like he and Goldberg are broing out at Hooters. It’s BRONAN THE BARBRONIAN! That would be a way better movie.

Aaaaaanyway, coming off his critically-acclaimed, hate-f*ck-filled performance as Khal Drogo in Game of Thrones, Momoa is set to star in the nu-metal Conan the Barbarian remake opening next week (which unfortunately was directed by the guy who did the Nightmare on Elm Street remake). But that’s not all. Apparently the studio has plans for a sequel. Wait, did I say the studio? What I meant was that Momoa has plans for a sequel. That he wrote. God, I love this dude.

CRAVE Online: Are you signed on to do another [Conan]?

Jason Momoa: I am, as long as people go out and watch [the first one], you know what I mean?

CRAVE Online: Yeah. Is there a story you’d like to do for the next movie?

Jason Momoa: I wrote it.

CRAVE Online: Did you really?

Jason Momoa: Yeah, so we’re waiting to see if they’ll accept it.

CRAVE Online: Is it original or did you adapt it from something?

Jason Momoa: It will mostly be… It’s character-adapted, because I really want to get into more of the mythical creatures, you know?

I don’t know if I’d want to watch the movie, but I would pay at LEAST twelve bucks to read that script. Especially the part about the mythical creatures.

And if Dana White’s goon squad ends up pulling the video at the top of this post, I think I can sum up the interview in two frames:

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I’ve done a lot of stupid things while drunk (which may explain why my job doesn’t require pants), but even I’ve never been so butthoused that I broke into a bank and passed out there with a pistol in my pocket because I thought I was home.  And that’s why Rip Torn is gotdamned national hero. (*hums America the Beautiful*)

LITCHFIELD, Conn. (AP) — Prosecutors say actor Rip Torn has pleaded guilty to charges stemming from allegations he broke into a Connecticut bank while drunk and armed.

The star of movies including “Men in Black” and “The Beastmaster” was arrested in January after police found him inside the Litchfield Bancorp with a loaded revolver.

State’s attorney David Shepack says the Emmy Award-winning actor pleaded guilty Tuesday to reckless endangerment, criminal trespass, criminal mischief and the illegal carrying of a firearm.

The 79-year-old actor was given a 2 1/2-year suspended sentence and three years of probation. Conditions include a ban on firearm possession and random drug and alcohol tests. [AP]

God d*mn right. Some people might say anyone else who got caught with a loaded gun inside a bank would get thrown in jail, and maybe that’s true.  But you don’t throw national heroes in jail.  You say, “Aw hell, that’s just ol’ Rip! Good ol’ Rip, he’s drunk and carryin’ a loaded pistol again!  He ain’t hurtin nobody, that’s just Rip bein’ Rip!  But tell ya what, pardner, if he tells ya to dance, ya better listen.”

Back in the 70s, Orson Welles used to do commercials for Paul Masson wine.  In this clip of out takes from one such commercial, he shows us what it might be like if a scientist created a hybrid life form from David Hasselhoff in that burger video and Alfred Hitchcock.  I think I’ve watched this 12 times in a row now.  I can’t get enough of the director shouting “ACTION!” and Orson Welles just sitting there trying to lift his 70-pound eyelids (roughly a tenth of his total body weight). *Director pokes Orson with a stick*    AHHHH!  The Freeesssh shhaaampaaaagnes.  ‘as alwayssh been celebraded forashexshellenshe…. *mumble mumble eyes roll around independently of each other zzzzzz*

Paul Masson Wines: They make grandpa wax nostalgic and fall asleep.

[Pursuitist via NYMag]