Today in awards shows too numerous to keep track of, Argo wrapped up the last of the guild awards, taking home a WGA for screenwriting, after previously taking top honors in the PGA, DGA, and SAG, which all sound like complex euphemisms for handjobs to me. In a symbolic way, I suppose they are. I don’t like to brag, but the first line of the second paragraph of my Argo review was “this movie is going to clean up come awards season,” and I had Oscar in the headline. Basically, I’m the odds-on favorite to take home a Golden Toldja at this year’s bloggies, held in Harry Knowles’ boat shed.

Original Screenplay
Flight – John Gatins (Paramount Pictures)
Looper – Rian Johnson (TriStar Pictures)
The Master – Paul Thomas Anderson (The Weinstein Company)
Moonrise Kingdom – Wes Anderson and Roman Coppola (Focus Features)
Zero Dark Thirty – Mark Boal (Columbia Pictures) – WINNER

Adapted Screenplay
Argo – Chris Terrio (Warner Bros. Pictures) – WINNER
Life of Pi – David Magee (20th Century Fox)
Lincoln – Tony Kushner (DreamWorks Pictures)
The Perks of Being a Wallflower – Stephen Chbosky (Summit Entertainment)
Silver Linings Playbook – David O Russell (The Weinstein Company)

Documentary
The Central Park Five – Sarah Burns, David McMahon and Ken Burns (Sundance Selects)
The Invisible War – Kirby Dick (Cinedigm Entertainment Group)
Mea Maxima Culpa: Silence in the House of God – Alex Gibney (HBO Films)
Searching for Sugar Man – Malik Bendejelloul (Sony Pictures Classics) – WINNER
We Are Legion – Brian Knappenberger (Cinetic Media)
West of Memphis – Amy J. Berg and Billy McMillin (Sony Pictures Classics)

Searching for Sugar Man is similarly dominating the documentary category, adding a WGA to its Critic’s Choice Award, BAFTA, and Golden Globe.

But to be fair, you have to question the judgment of any organization that nominated Flight and Perks of Being a Wallflower for writing awards. Denzel’s already-cheesy, you-knew-this-was-coming turning point relied on his hardly believable and never-before-referenced need to honor a dead chick, and the way the film communicated to the audience that its protagonist had learned a lesson was to have him give a big speech about the lesson he learned. A lesson that could’ve been any speech at an AA meeting. It was one of the more clumsily-written movies of the year. Even Argo, which I mostly liked, had a tacked-on, overly dramatic ending that felt like someone taking a real, already-compelling story and trying to Hollywood-ify it. And no nominations for Tarantino or Magic Mike or The Sessions? Ar-go f*ck yourself.

TV awards below:

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As spotted by an eagle-eyed Twitter user, here’s David O. Russell reacting hilariously to his Silver Linings Playbook actress Jennifer Lawrence losing her BAFTA Best Actress bid to Emmanuelle Riva in Amour. That’s the thing about David O. Russell, he might scream and call you a c*nt on set, but when push comes to shove, he’s got your back. I heard he once tried to knife fight a biker who pinched Amy Adams’ ass outside a bowling alley once. Heart of a lion, that guy. He also directed a movie that feels like a collection of bad indie rom-com tropes and was somehow still good. Silver Linings Playbook is like a damned magic trick.

You can see the full list of BAFTA winners and nominees below. No real surprises, other than Zero Dark Thirty getting shut out. Argo picked up another best picture win on the way to the Oscar every assumes it’s going to get. Ben Affleck won best director, which is fair, because why would a guy who directed the best picture not be the best director? That makes no sense.

I also enjoy that a movie about French poverty called “The Wretched” won an award for best hair and make-up. That really says it all. Derelicte is real, you guys.

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BEST FILM
X – “Argo”
“Life of Pi”
“Lincoln”
“Les Misérables”
“Zero Dark Thirty”

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“My friend, there are three things I love in this world. Salmon fishing. The Yemen. And literal titles.”

The Golden Globes released their nominations today – do people care about this, I can never tell – and as usual, the fun part is figuring out who threw the best parties for the shady-ass HFPA voters based on their nominations. I’m going to assume Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, which grossed a measly $9 million in North America (plus a modest $25 million worldwide) and was reviewed at a tepid 67 percent on RottenTomatoes (with most of the positive ones not all that glowing), but managed to get best picture, best actress, and best actor nominations, with nary a Johnny Depp cameo to be found (foreigners love Johnny Depp, it’s science). Ewan MacGregor’s publicist must give one heck of a beej.

Best Motion Picture – Drama

“Argo”
“Django Unchained”
“Life of Pi”
“Lincoln”
“Zero Dark Thirty”

The insane thing about Zero Dark Thirty getting nominated in virtually every organizations’ nominations is that literally no one except awards voters has even seen it yet. Talk about knowing your audience.

Best Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical

“The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”
“Les Miserables”
“Moonrise Kingdom”
“Silver Linings Playbook”
“Salmon Fishing in the Yemen”

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama

Daniel Day-Lewis, “Lincoln”
Richard Gere, “Arbitrage”
John Hawkes, “The Sessions”
Joaquin Phoenix, “The Master”
Denzel Washington, “Flight”

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Now is the time of year when critics associations announce their awards, and commentators who specialize in awards coverage argue with each other about which awards most affect other awards. It’s like a real-life f*cking snow level, only more asinine. (You correctly predicted the Oscars? Congratulations, kill yourself). My favorite is the current argument over whether Zero Dark Thirty glorifies torture. Zero Dark Thirty, which even *I* don’t get to see until January, and I’m a critic. Aaaanyway, this week saw the release of the SAG Award nominations, which are crucial because (*fart*), and the Critic’s Choice Awards, which have had Oscar implications approximately (*wank*) percent of the time. Enjoy. (*slide whistle*)

SAG

Best Ensemble in a Motion Picture
“Argo”
“The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”
“Les Misérables”
“Lincoln”
“Silver Linings Playbook”

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role
Bradley Cooper, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Daniel Day-Lewis, “Lincoln”
John Hawkes, “The Sessions”
Denzel Washington, “Flight”
Hugh Jackman, “Les Miserables”

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Leading Role
Jessica Chastain, “Zero Dark Thirty”
Jennifer Lawrence, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Helen Mirren, “Hitchcock”
Naomi Watts, “The Impossible”
Marion Cotillard, “Rust and Bone”