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Marvel just released two new big character banners for The Avengers, aka The Great Joss Whedon Experiment, and they look great, though I wish they would’ve put the Scarlett Johansson (Black Widow) frame and the Mark Ruffalo (Bruce Banner) frame right next to each other. That way it’d look like he’s trying to listen to her ass with a stethoscope. Oh, Ruffles, you cheeky ass listener. Can you hear it now? The creak of its supple pert tautness? Oh you better believe he’d science you. He’d science you hard. (With his disheveled penis).

Meanwhile, I still can’t figure out what the hell Hawkeye’s job is going to be on this team. (Yes, I know, “Hawkeye is the surgeon,” hilarious MASH reference.) I’m already taking a pretty big leap of faith with the whole iron jetpack suit, magic shield, hot girl who beats up dudes, and mystical viking who can propel himself through the air by swinging a hammer, but a guy who shoots arrows? I don’t doubt that he’s very good at it, I just want to know one situation in which a bow and arrow would be preferable to a gun. Hmm, let’s see, so it holds half as many projectiles, which take twice as long to shoot, go half as fast, and are made of wood? Sorry, Hawkeye, we’re going to have to replace you. We had to go with “Redneck Man.” He owns two shotguns.

[Yahoo. Opens May 4th]

The first trailer for The Avengers is here and you know it’s a big deal because iTunes finally offered an embeddable video player (seriously, we’ve been waiting for this for like four years). Marvel’s great experiment in turning over their biggest project to Joss Whedon, a guy known mainly for cult shows that get cancelled before the mainstream ever sees them, stars Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Robert Downey Jr, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, and Mark “Ruffalo Bill” Ruffalo. I’ve never actually seen a Joss Whedon show, so this is particularly exciting for me.

First impressions: It looks like Loki from Thor is the villain, which is… odd. And the lighting looks really bright and even in every scene, like they’re shooting a superhero sitcom.

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I hate reporting speculative, comic-book-movie casting because it almost never turns out to be true, and only leads to yet more asinine counter-rumors. But what can I say, I couldn’t resist sharing the notion of a harelip Hulk.  (Making light of others’ disabilities, that’s what we do here).  CHUD says Marvel’s offer to take over for Edward Norton as Hulk is out to Joaquin Phoenix.  That sounds pretty weird, but all Joaquin aside, he is a really good actor. (I hate myself for that).

Reliable sources tell me that Marvel has already put out an offer, believe it or not. Phoenix is taking time to mull over the offer and the bigger implications – Marvel may yet resurrect the Hulk franchise – but Marvel hopes to have him in place by Comic Con, which is when they want to announce their new Bruce Banner.

As of right now treat this as a rumor, as I was unable to get solid confirmations or denials (it’s the weekend!). Phoenix might very well turn the studio down – I’m hearing that whoever plays Banner will be the lowest man on The Avengers pay totem pole – but this would probably be a good move for the actor. [CHUD]

I’ve heard Phoenix has already been preparing hard for the role, telling fans who pestered him for an autograph not to make him angry.

PHOENIX:  “Trust me, bro, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

PERSISTENT FAN 1: “Aw, but Mr. Phoenix, please?  It’s for my cousin, she’s in the orphan hospital with baby cancer.”

PHOENIX: “AAARRGGGGHHHHH!”

(*Joaquin Phoenix jumps onstage, starts rapping incoherently, trips, knocks over drum kit*)

PERSISTENT FAN 2:  “He’s right, dude, I say we leave.”

As I pointed out in my original review, the only sense the ending of the Incredible Hulk made was as a setup for a sequel.  In a recent interview with MTV, Iron Man writers Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby (best. name. ever.) say the plan is to make Hulk the villain in an Avengers movie.

“I hope ‘The Avengers’ embraces that,” Fergus said of having the Hulk as misunderstood baddie. “You don’t want like 10 super-badass good guys fighting together. Where’s the fun in that? Let’s break it off a little. Friends or colleagues [Dammit, Thor, did you finish those TPS reports? -Ed.] who become enemies is always an interesting thing because you know it’s based on love and friendship and that’s always the worst thing to have turn bad — is someone you actually care about and someone you actually believe in.”
“I personally like when good-guy characters have to fight each other,” he went on. “Good guys going against good guys who both believe in an issue is way more interesting than a villain clearly into evil and I like when former friends become committed enemies.”

It’s funny, sometimes I’m tempted to weigh in on how I feel about which superheroes should fight each other. And then I remember I’m not seven.  To make this interesting I say they make the Hulk a closeted homosexual.  “Why’d you turn into the Hulk, Bruce?  We were just hanging out all calm when Tony Stark came out of the shower in a towel and… hey, wait a second…”

From Production Weekly’s newest issue comes the news that Marvel’s Captain America flick will be called The First Avenger: Captain America, and will be a period piece set in WWII.

“Born during the Great Depression, Steve Rogers grew up a frail youth in a poor family. Horrified by the newsreel footage of the Nazis in Europe, Rogers was inspired to enlist in the army. However, because of his frailty and sickness, he was rejected. Overhearing the boy’s earnest plea, General Chester Phillips offered Rogers the opportunity to take part in a special experiment… Operation: Rebirth. After weeks of tests, Rogers was at last administered the ‘Super-Soldier Serum’ and bombarded by ‘vita-rays.’ Steve Rogers emerged from the treatment with a body as perfect as a body can be and still be human. Rogers was then put through an intensive physical and tactical training program. Three months later, he was given his first assignment as Captain America. Armed with his indestructible shield and battle savvy, Captain America has continued his war against evil both as a sentinel of liberty and leader of the Avengers.” [via FSR]

Does Marvel have to try so hard to set up the Avengers movie?  They already ruined the ending of the Incredible Hulk. Now Captain America has a colon in the title.  It’s Captain f-ing America, not a sequel to xXx.  If I wanted punctuation I’d move to some fag country, like Belgium.

(Still no word on whether Furry Captain America will be involved, that’s just my favorite picture ever)