I did my best on a write-up of Leslie Nielsen’s passing here last night, but for those interested, Roger Ebert the AP did an even longer, more thorough obit (correction: apparently Ebert just quoted the AP, the lazy ass).  That’s where I found this awesome video, Nielsen’s screen test for the role of Messala in Ben Hur, a part which eventually went to Stephen Boyd.  I don’t know why Nielsen didn’t get it. Clearly he was awesome.

“The lion and the jackal, do you still hunt them, or have you become too dignified?”

Hardly a day goes by that I don’t use that taunt myself on my married friends. “C’mon, pussy, chug your beer, we’re going jackal hunting.”

“You cling to a tree that is dead!  You walk in a circle around your memory of the past, like a donkey plodding his way around a water wheel!”

ZING!  Now THAT’S how you insult. I think that was the last thing Tila Tequila said before she got pelted with rocks and Juggalo poop.

(*pours out a little Four Loko on the jack-off couch*)

It’s only bullsh*t Hollywood nepotism that gets Will Smith’s dumb wiener kid a part in the Karate Kid remake while acclaimed martial artist James William Gregory Jr. here is relegated to making YouTube videos like some broke-ass afro ninja. Nonetheless, thanks to the magic of the internet, we have the impressive Kung Fu demonstration you see here.  Pardon me, EAGLE CLAW kung fu.  Some of his other YouTube videos include:

• I AM BETTER THAN YOU ALL!!! JEALOUS FOOLS!!!

• 2 PORTIONS OF MY SONGS THAT I WROTE!!! J.G.

• I AM NOT A LIAR!!! NOT HOMELESS, I AM MARRIED

• I MET AND SEEN CAMERON DIAZ AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL

He is a great man.

[Thanks to RopeofSilicon for the discovery]

I didn’t post Heidi Montag’s ‘Transformers 3 audition‘ from the other day, because it was kind of boring and the last thing that dough-faced idiot needs is to believe she’s interesting in any way.  We could also discuss the kind of mind it would take to believe shooting a paper target from six feet away is an effective movie audition, but I have neither the time nor the tack hammers.

ANYWAY, here’s Sir Ben Kingsley parodying the aforementioned video for a George Lopez show promo.  I wanted it to be funny, but it’s actually kind of sad.  When Special K shows up, you assume it’s pretty much a slam dunk.  I’d watch Ben Kingsley wash my car (bonus points if he’s wearing a turban and a diaper).  Remember when he re-enacted that Minor Threat video?  That was fantastic.  This, on the other hand, looks like it involved about five seconds of pre-production.

“So… Ben Kingsley is British.  Can we do anything with that?  What do we know about the British?”

“Uh… they’re limp wristed and drink tea?”

“Perfect. Run with that, we’re burning daylight here.”

[via /Film]

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Do you really want “Speidi” to disappear?

I thought for sure Chris Klein’s infamous Mamma Mia audition was a joke when I first saw it.  But a week later he’s not saying so, and even made this Funny or Die video making fun of it, which would further suggest that the earlier video was in fact real.  All I can say about that is, I want whatever he was snorting.  “Awesome to meet you guys!  Hey, is it just me or is your skin really itchy?  I think I have a splinter, hand me that pocket knife.  HEY! I F*CKING LOVE THIS SONG!”

Anyway, I don’t know if a guy can ever fully recover from that, but if you watch his latest video, you have to admit the guy’s got some comedy chops:

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The other day on the Adam Carolla Podcast (which you should all begin listening to immediately) Adam was talking to Michael Jai White about how there should be a television channel dedicated to playing just TV pilots from the 70s that never got picked up.  Not only is that a brilliant idea, I say they take it a step further, and have another channel dedicated to just failed auditions.  First there was Chris Klein’s Mamma Mia audition from earlier this week (which seems super fake, yet no one has stepped forward to claim as a joke yet), and now there’s this guy, an apparently Eastern European immigrant auditioning for a part as the new Gorton’s Fish Sticks guy.

It starts off super awkward, but it gets pretty funny later on.  The move he does at “specially seasoned” in particular gets me every time.  “Come on, Bru, come taste feesh steek.  Ees only highest quality. I get from Lake. Look at me, Bru, you theenk I lie to you?”   Really, I think every spokesperson should be an Eastern European immigrant.  “Hmm, these taste suspiciously oily and my mouth is full of cat fur, but it’s nice to see that young man pursuing a better life.”

AFTER THE JUMP: A baby elephant in a kiddie pool.

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