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Keira Knightley starred in this recent anti-domestic violence PSA directed by Atonement‘s Joe Wright in which she gets the crap kicked out her for 30 seconds.  It wisely employs the age old strategy of “let’s ruin everyone’s day with this ridiculously depressing commercial just in case the .000000000000001% of the population this has any chance of affecting happens to be watching.”  Don’t beat the sh-t out of my wife, you say?  Thanks, commercial!  Maybe if we act really serious about this problem it will magically disappear.

I prefer those PSAs Sean Connery did back in the 70s.  “Women: Shomtimesh they jusht have to have the lasht word.”  *More You Know music plays* Read the rest of this entry »

There was a new clip from City of Ember online a few days ago but it didn’t have Bill Murray in it so screw that. Then last night MTV released another clip, this time centering on Murray. This movie looks weird as hell, like some gay Captain Planet version of The Matrix and it even has that chick from Atonement in it, who every time I look at all I can think about is how much Atonement sucked, but Bill Murray is still awesome. He’s like a puppy you can dress in little costumes. You put him in a future space mayor outfit and you know he’s not going to space, and he doesn’t even pretend very well, but you still just want to feed him treats and pet him on the head and wrestle around the floor. In conclusion, I really want a puppy, I’m going to name him Bill Murray and I promise to take real good care of him please please please can I mom please?

The Teen Choice Awards were taped last night featuring performances by (who else?) Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers, as well as Mariah Carey.  The show will air tonight.

And remember, Mariah Carey will perform her latest single "I’ll Be Lovin’ You Long Time (Me So Horny, Baby, Me Sucky Sucky)".  [Okay, I added the part in parentheses, but come on, it was begging for it.] -teenchoiceawards.com

I only mention the Teen Choice Awards because they claim the winner is chosen based on votes from actual teenagers (and they say 31 million votes were cast this year), but take a look at the movie award winners: 

Choice Movie Action Adventure: "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian."
Choice Movie Drama: "Step Up 2: The Streets."
Choice Movie Chick Flick: "27 Dresses."
Choice Movie Bromantic Comedy: "What Happens in Vegas."
Choice Movie Comedy: "Juno."
Choice Movie Horror/Thriller: "I Am Legend."
Choice Summer Movie Action Adventure: "Hancock." [I'm sure these two picks had nothing to do with Will Smith showing up to the ceremony with all his kids]
Choice Summer Movie Comedy: "Get Smart."
Choice Movie Actor Drama: Channing Tatum, "Stop-Loss." [total box office: $10.9 million - less than half the budget]
Choice Movie Actress Drama: Keira Knightley, "Atonement."
Choice Movie Actress Action Adventure: Rachel Bilson, "Jumper."
Choice Movie Actor Comedy: Ashton Kutcher, "What Happens in Vegas."
Choice Movie Actress Comedy: Ellen Page, "Juno."
Choice Movie Actor Horror/Thriller: Will Smith, "I Am Legend."
Choice Movie Actress Horror/Thriller: Jessica Alba, "The Eye."
Choice Movie Villain: Johnny Depp, "Sweeney Todd."
Choice Movie Breakout Female: Ellen Page, "Juno."
Choice Movie Breakout Male: Drake Bell, "Superhero Movie." [via the AP]

There’s lots to hate, obviously, but a couple stand out.  Keira Knightley in Atonement?  I know 3-hour period pieces about unrequited love are one of the most popular study-hall note subjects, but  I guarantee no one under 60 enjoyed that epic snooze fest (it was also Rated R).  Secondly, Drake Bell in Superhero Movie?  Superhero Movie made $25 million total at the box office.  The Jonas Brothers make more than that in one night on t-shirts.  There’s no way any of these kids even saw that movie.  The only legitimate award was Ryan Sheckler winning Best Myspacer.  It’s impossible to deny that that guy is fucking awesome at MySpace.  It gives me goosebumps.

_ Choice TV Show Drama: "Gossip Girl."

_ Choice TV Show Action Adventure: "Heroes."

_ Choice TV Show Comedy: "Hannah Montana."

_ Choice TV Reality Dance: "America’s Best Dance Crew."

_ Choice TV Reality Music Competition: "American Idol."

_ Choice TV Celebrity Reality: "The Hills."

_ Choice Summer TV Show: "The Secret Life of the American Teenager."

_ Choice TV Actor Drama: Chad Michael Murray, "One Tree Hill."

_ Choice TV Actress Drama: Blake Lively, "Gossip Girl."

_ Choice TV Actress Action Adventure: Hayden Panettiere, "Heroes."

_ Choice TV Actor Comedy: Steve Carrell, "The Office."

_ Choice TV Actress Comedy: Miley Cyrus, "Hannah Montana."

_ Choice TV Breakout Show: "Gossip Girl."

_ Choice TV Breakout Star Female: Blake Lively, "Gossip Girl."

_ Choice TV Breakout Star Male: Chace Crawford, "Gossip Girl."

_ Choice TV Male Reality/Variety Star: David Cook, "American Idol."

_ Choice TV Female Reality/Variety Star: Lauren Conrad, "The Hills."

_ Choice TV Villain: Ed Westwick, "Gossip Girl"

_ Choice Music Single: Jonas Brothers, "When You Look Me in the Eyes."

_ Choice Hook-Up: Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown, "No Air."

_ Choice Music Male Artist: Chris Brown.

_ Choice Music Female Artist: Miley Cyrus.

_ Choice Music R&B Artist: Chris Brown.

_ Choice Breakout Group: Jonas Brothers.

_ Choice Music Love Song: Jonas Brothers, "When You Look Me in the Eyes."

_ Choice Music R&B Track: Chris Brown, "Forever."

_ Choice Music Rap/Hip-Hop Track: Lil Mama featuring T-Pain and Chris Brown, "Shawty Get Loose."

_ Choice Summer Song: Jonas Brothers, "Burnin’ Up."

_ Choice Male Hottie: Jonas Brothers.

_ Choice Female Hottie: Vanessa Hudgens.

_ Choice Red Carpet Fashion Icon Female: Carrie Underwood.

_ Choice Red Carpet Fashion Icon Male: Jonas Brothers.

_ Choice Comedian: Adam Sandler.

_ Choice Male Athlete: David Beckham.

_ Choice Female Athlete: Shawn Johnson.

_ Choice Action Sports Male: Ryan Sheckler.

_ Do Something Award: Chad Bullock.

_ Choice Most Fanatic Fans: David Archuleta.

_ Choice MySpacer: Ryan Sheckler.

Some E-Cards is clearly one of the best sites on the internet.  Thank God they finally did something movie-related so I can give them a shameless endorsement. 

Today I bring you their line of Oscar-themed e-cards.  Some of my favorites: "Juno showed me that speaking in cute lingo can negate the horrifying chaos of an unwanted pregnancy," and "I think the dark horse for Best Actor is Viggo Mortensen’s cock." 

We salute you, Some E-Cards writing team. (click on thumbnails to enlarge) 

If you haven’t seen Atonement, you can read my Cliff Note’s version from the other day.

Today it seems that Kissing Suzy Kolber has done me one better and actually rewritten the movie in such a way that it’s good – no small feat. I can’t excerpt the entire thing, but here’s a snip:

ROBBIE: Briony! Briony!

BRIONY: [Runs to him] Yes?

ROBBIE: Give this to your sister. [Hands her the envelope]

BRIONY: I’m going to read it before I give it to her. [Runs off]

ROBBIE: Cunt!

It’s long, but totally worth it (if I had a nickel for every time I said that…).  Kudos, Kolber.