I won’t be able to share my 5 Fast 5 Furious review for a few more days, but in the meantime, I’m hearing early reports that there’s a character in it named “Han Seoul-Oh.” Oh, don’t worry, he’s Asian, so it makes total sense. Actor Sung Kang is officially credited as “Han” in Fast Five and “Han Lue” in Fast and Furious (4 Fast 4 Furious), but from what I hear, his name shows up on a screen as “Han Seoul-Oh” multiple times during Fast Five, though it’s never spoken, referenced, or explained.  So… was this something that I missed in the last movie?

Like Han Solo, get it?  Except “Seoul?” because he’s a Korean racecar driver?  Wait, time out. Was that really the joke?  That couldn’t be the joke, could it?  Someone tell me that wasn’t the joke.  Does he have a grunting Chinese sidekick named “Chu Baka”?  Does he know why Paul Skywalker is such a terrible actor? “Never tell me the odds.  All Koreans don’t like to be told the odds.”

I’m so confused, you guys.  If anyone knows anything about this, please share.  It just seems like a very odd reference for a five-year-old.

Since I know you were all thinking it, let’s say it all together now: Awwwww.  Enjoy it while it lasts, he won’t be nearly this cute when he’s getting diabetes.  (Though he’s pretty cute now).

[via FowlerIGN]

This is the red-band trailer for Thirst, from Old Boy director Park Chan-Wook, or Chan-Wook Park or however the right way to say it is.  It’s about some sort of priest who becomes a vampire, and follows in the footsteps of a long line of recent vampire flicks. Only instead of abstinence, blasphemy.  And instead of meaningful glances, implied cunnilingus.  Man, have you ever noticed that Asians are like, better at stuff?

John Woo’s two-part Asian epic Red Cliff is making huge money in Asia, and part two is set to open January 15th in China.

The first part of “Red Cliff” was released in July, grossing $62.7 million in the same six key Asian territories. Part one was released in Japan this month and has taken $26 million to date from 2 million admissions. Japanese release of second part is set for mid-April. [Variety]

Courtesy of Twitch, here’s the trailer for part two.  The subtitles aren’t in English, but you don’t really need subtitles to watch Asians fight each other.  The project doesn’t have an American release date yet, but as Twitch points out, “ the Hong Kong DVD and BluRay releases are both fully English friendly and region free.”  I believe you can search for it under the original Chinese title, Red Criff.

*cuts off pinkie in penance*

^{Shouldn’ta pissed off the Asians, Clint. You know they roll deep.}

After the jump I’ve got the new trailer for The Warlords (Tau Ming Chong), starring Jet Li (though something tells me that’s not his real name).

…A heroic tale of three blood brothers and their struggle in the midst of war and political upheaval. It is based on “The Assassination of Ma,” a Qing Dynasty (1644-1911) story about the killing of general Ma Xinyi.

Yeah, so it kinda looks like Braveheart with Kung Fu, which… sounds pretty bitchin’.  Also, and this is neither here nor there, I really think all Chinese phrases should have an exclamation point at the end.  Tau Ming Chong!  Ma Xinyi!  You break you buy! It’s just a language that lends itself really well to shouting. Read the rest of this entry »