(*head explodes*)

Yes, get excited, people, you may soon be able to see Ashton Kutcher play an older version of Justin Bieber in the film What Would Kenny Do? The answer to the rhetorical question of course being “grow bangs.”

The film tells of a relationship between a 17-year-old and his thirtysomething self. Said thirtysomething would be played by Ashton Kutcher, the source said. The project is set up at Sony and will be produced by Kutcher’s Katalyst Entertainment and Will Smith’s Overbrook Entertainment (Bieber and Jaden Smith are of course friends).

Ooh, Bieber and Kutcher AND Jaden Smith?  Can’t we throw Lights Camera Jackson or a Kardashian sister in there?  This isn’t obnoxious enough yet.  AUTOTUNE IT, AUTOTUNE IT ALL!

Chris Baldi’s “Kenny” script, which landed on Hollywood’s Black List  in 2008, is an R-rated comedy describing a teenager who meets a hologram claiming to be the adult version of himself; the hologram then helps guide the teen through high school. The project was originally set up at MGM label United Artists when MGM was under different management.

“(500) Days of Summer” writers Scott Neustadter and Michael Weber then came on and wrote a new draft of the script. According to a person who was briefed on the new (less raunchy) draft, the story now involves Kutcher’s successful character actually jumping back in time to help the present-day Bieber, who remains awkward.  A new writer and director are currently being sought. [LATimes]

Wait, so the guy “claims” to be an adult version of the kid?  I hope halfway through, when the kid’s out on a big date with his older self giving him advice through an earpiece, he finds out the older guy isn’t actually him at all, just an unemployed softball coach hoping to score Selena Gomez sexts.  “Come on, bro, don’t hold out on me. My wife’s, like, really, really old.”

Ashton Kutcher celebrated the debut of his film No Strings Attached last weekend with a YouTube performance of a song that he wrote with his 19-year old stepsister Scout Willis, who is the daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. Wait, my bad, Scout is Ashton’s stepdaughter. I always mix that up because the former is fine and the latter is f*cking creepy.

And while No Strings Attached prevailed at the box office to the tune of $20 million with the mere technicality that no other movies of note were released, Kutcher ain’t gonna be winning any awards for this performance of their song, “My Sober.”

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"What say I put the old lady to bed and eat these out of your assh*le?"

Just to refresh your memory, we’ve got a bit of a Dante’s Peak/Volcano, two-movies-about-the-same-thing situation happening this year, between No Strings Attached and Friends with Benefits (I assume you can deduce the plot).  After the jump I’ve got the red-band trailer for the first, No Strings Attached, directed by Ivan Reitman, starring Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman as two friends who start humping but try to keep things casual.  CALL MISS CLEO, I CAN’T WAIT TWO WEEKS TO FIND OUT HOW THIS TURNS OUT.
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Not too long ago, I brought you the news that there are two competing F-buddy movies coming out, one, No Strings Attached, directed by Ivan Reitman with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman, and another, better-looking one, Friends With Benefits, from Will Gluck, starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis (you may remember Timberlake singing Semi-Sonic to Mila Kunis’ vagina).

Got all that?  Well it’s about to get more confusing, because today, No Strings Attached released a poster (via Hollywood.com).   And what’s the tagline?  “Friendship has its benefits.”  Oh, Hollywood.  You simpletons have overcomplicated things yet again.  Here, I made you a better poster:

Okay, just one more:

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I might be the only person alive who didn’t think My Super Ex-Girlfriend was as terrible as everyone said, but the conventional wisdom is that Ivan Reitman hasn’t made a decent movie since the early 90s.  Before he starts work on Ghostbusters 3 (assuming Bill Murray actually agrees to it), he ran a little warm-up lap with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.

From a Liz Meriwether Blacklist script called “F*ckbuddies,” No Strings Attached follows two attractive single caucasians who decide to go from platonic best friends to lovers, all the while trying to lay ground rules that keep it from turning into a real relationship.  I don’t know about you, but I think I liked this better when it was a Seinfeld episode.  And Ashton Kutcher wasn’t in it.  And Jerry and Elaine didn’t fall in love during the 90-second promo.

If only David Carradine had agreed to star in this, he’d probably still be alive today.

[trailer via ThePlaylist]