This week, Variety has a series on actors praising other actors in the year’s most praise-worthy performances. Basically, it’s the kind of awards-season circle jerk and fart-huffery that we’ve come to expect in the winter months. “Me? I know I couldn’t please, please, after you. (*raises cheek*) OOH! How robust! Good show, old chap!” Anyway, I haven’t gotten through all of them, but so far, it’s between Robert Duvall on Christoph Waltz and Jason Bateman on Steve Carell for who comes off the least A-holey. Meanwhile, Variety brought in Ashton Kutcher to discuss Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids, which was noteworthy in that he was able to maintain his streak of sounding like a pedantic dick no matter what he says.

“It was my favorite performance of the year. She just made me laugh really hard. It was so refreshing to watch a woman be the way I know women to be. They’re a little bit crass and a little bit more honest than they’re usually portrayed to be. It was just a revelatory performance.”

“I know women, and when I saw Melissa McCarthy up there on that screen, I was like, ‘Aw hell yeah, women be shittin’, y’all.’ I almost be droppin’ my Mountain Dew latte.”

Things are going just great for Ashton Kutcher right now, with the gossip rags reporting that he’s finally moving out of his mom’s house and getting a place of his own. He also may have slept with a random girl after Danny Masterson’s bachelor party (Vince was there) last month, and may even be the father of January Jones’ bastard child. Supposedly that’s enough to cost a guy his high-profile marriage. What happened to America?

Luckily for the “Two and a Half Men” star, his fans are still behind him all the way. In fact, a young girl in Brazil recently Tweeted that she absolutely loves Kutcher. How much does she love him? That’s her tattoo up there.

Kutcher’s fan from Brazil tweeted this picture of her latest ink to the Two and a Half Men star saying, “This is a way of expressing my love for @aplusk.”

So what does one superfamous actor say to such an extreme gesture? “All i can say is wow,” he tweets.

(Via E!)

If he Tweeted that, he deleted it, because I didn’t see it on his Twitter feed this morning, when I woke up and shouted, “I wonder what Ashton Kutcher is thinking!” (As I do). Of course, I can totally understand Kutcher’s eagerness to hide such a beautiful fan from his wife, what with their marriage on the rocks.

But this inspired me to get a tattoo of my own to send a special message to one of my favorite people…

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New Year’s Eve is New Line/Warner Bros’ latest attempt to capitalize on the throw-10-trite-premises-at-the-wall-and-call-it-a-day formula of Valentine’s Day, which itself was basically Love Actually with more vignettes and famouser actors. Directed by the hollowed-out husk of Garry Marshall, it stars a who’s who of bland white jagoffs who make me want to kill myself, including Katherine Heigl, Ashton Kutcher, Jon Bon Jovi, Josh Duhamel, Zac Efron, that chick from Glee, and a billion other people including a cameo by Ryan Seacrest, in what appears to be an earnest attempt to create cinematic ipecac. A vom-com, say. My God, if I could kick a movie in the stomach… You can watch the just-released trailer below, if you dare. The horror, the horror…

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In case you needed any convincing that Friends with Benefits, starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, and No Strings Attached, starring Ludacris, were basically the same movie, here’s a mash-up from the team at Blind Film Critic that makes a fairly strong case.   What’s that?  You didn’t need any convincing? Well I suppose I should’ve guessed that.  Even IMDB knows it:

Okay, so it’s not exactly “news.”  In fact, the mash-up is more boring than it should be, because if you zone out for a second, you forget that it’s actually made up of two different movies.  I probably should’ve just called this post “a split-second glimpse of Mila Kunis in a bra.”

(*head explodes*)

Yes, get excited, people, you may soon be able to see Ashton Kutcher play an older version of Justin Bieber in the film What Would Kenny Do? The answer to the rhetorical question of course being “grow bangs.”

The film tells of a relationship between a 17-year-old and his thirtysomething self. Said thirtysomething would be played by Ashton Kutcher, the source said. The project is set up at Sony and will be produced by Kutcher’s Katalyst Entertainment and Will Smith’s Overbrook Entertainment (Bieber and Jaden Smith are of course friends).

Ooh, Bieber and Kutcher AND Jaden Smith?  Can’t we throw Lights Camera Jackson or a Kardashian sister in there?  This isn’t obnoxious enough yet.  AUTOTUNE IT, AUTOTUNE IT ALL!

Chris Baldi’s “Kenny” script, which landed on Hollywood’s Black List  in 2008, is an R-rated comedy describing a teenager who meets a hologram claiming to be the adult version of himself; the hologram then helps guide the teen through high school. The project was originally set up at MGM label United Artists when MGM was under different management.

“(500) Days of Summer” writers Scott Neustadter and Michael Weber then came on and wrote a new draft of the script. According to a person who was briefed on the new (less raunchy) draft, the story now involves Kutcher’s successful character actually jumping back in time to help the present-day Bieber, who remains awkward.  A new writer and director are currently being sought. [LATimes]

Wait, so the guy “claims” to be an adult version of the kid?  I hope halfway through, when the kid’s out on a big date with his older self giving him advice through an earpiece, he finds out the older guy isn’t actually him at all, just an unemployed softball coach hoping to score Selena Gomez sexts.  “Come on, bro, don’t hold out on me. My wife’s, like, really, really old.”