Ever since the last episode of Arrested Development aired in 2006, we’ve heard rumors galore about a movie based on the hilarious poorly marketed Fox series. The speculation became increasingly frustrating over the last two years, as some cast members claimed it was happening while others (*cough* Michael Cera *cough*) reportedly wanted nothing to do with reviving the Bluth family.

Then in October, our nerd boners became fully engorged when the show’s creator, Mitch Hurwitz, told people at the New Yorker Festival that there would be another season of 10 episodes, finally culminating in the Arrested Development film. And we believed him because he was sitting with the entire cast when he said it.

But because we’ve grown weary of these rumors and letdowns, we need constant reassurance. Thankfully, writer Dean Lorey understands that and updated his blog accordingly over the weekend.

We’re really doing this thing. Mitch Hurwitz, Jim Vallely and I are off writing the new season of ARRESTED to premiere on Netflix in 2013. The original cast is back. There are offices and parking spaces. We’re shooting this year. I wish I could give more specifics but, for the moment, even the schedule is being kept under wraps. But it’s happening and it’s great to be back with my pals from the show.

This is the main reason why I didn’t cancel my Netflix account when all that new billing nonsense went down last year. Oh I wanted to raise a hell storm to voice my disapproval, but then I thought that maybe it was all a trick, and as soon as I went to close the mailbox on my last DVD return, J. Walter Weatherman would reach his arm in and it would be sliced off.

And only then would I learn that’s why you don’t cancel a DVD mailing subscription service.

It's a little known fact that Lobster Dog is also a Never Nude.

“Arrested Development” creator Mitch Hurwitz recently did a few interviews and he once again answered questions regarding a potential Arrested Development movie and once again we’re all getting our hopes up for no real reason. Hurwitz claims that he has finally started working on a script for the film and his ambition is to have the project shot, wrapped and released by the end of 2011. IMDB has the release listed as 2012, though, so maybe there’s something to this, after all.

Of course, David Cross has said it’s not happening and Michael Cera supposedly couldn’t take time away from prancing to reprise his role as George-Michael Bluth, but British comedian Peter Serafinowicz recently boasted that he accepted a role in the film and Ron Howard told MTV that Hurwitz’s focus on his string of canceled TV shows was the real delay. But the Huffington Post hears “from the horse’s mouth” that it’s on. Funny, I didn’t know Sarah Jessica Parker was involved.

*slaps Chareth and Danger on the ass*

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I used four question marks in that headline to indicate that blogs have been using speculative, Arrested-Development-movie stories to build their traffic for three years now, and today’s non-news is no different.  (Last we heard, the script was half written. It might happen, it might not.)  But as my father always said, why let some other pantless assh*le in his mom’s basement steal money that could be yours?

Hold the football for me, MTV:

Bateman said he plans to rope Aniston into the “Arrested Development” flick.
“Yeah, actually, there’s a real good part for her in the ‘Arrested Development’ movie,” Bateman told MTV News on Saturday (August 7). Aniston and Bateman have been spending a lot of time together as co-stars in both “The Switch,” a rom-com about a sperm donor mix-up, and the upcoming flick, “Horrible Bosses.”
“There’s no offers on this one. She’s gonna have to sing for her supper,” Bateman said. “I don’t know, we’ll see if she’s available. She’s busy. She’s pretty famous; I don’t know if you’ve heard of her. She’s pretty backed up. Hopefully the guy who’s in charge will like her for that part because I’m going to suggest her.”

I feel bad for reporting such non-news (which Bateman already admitted was just him thinking aloud), which is why I included the trailer for Bateman/Aniston’s The Switch, formerly The Baster.  You’d never guess this script was based on a Jeffrey Eugenides short story and once upon a time made The Black List. At this point I can only assume that the development process just means adding lots of clichés.  Will the platonic best friends finally decide they love each other??  Will the precocious child act hilariously adult-like?? Will glib friends offer sage advice??  Only time will tell!  My favorite part is when Jason Bateman looks down at his wiener in order to communicate that he has an idea, and that the idea involves his wiener.  We never would’ve picked up on that otherwise.

[Trailer also available in non-embeddable form over at Apple]

It's a little known fact that Lobster Dog is also a Never Nude.

The only people who love Arrested Development more than twenty and thirty-something college types are webmasters, who’ve been milking the non-news of a possible Arrested Development movie for traffic for going on three years now.  It’s hard to milk something that long, but we bloggers are known as much for our strong wrists as our misshapen skulls.  The last we heard from anyone who might know (i.e., not a cast member speculating on the part of the production they wouldn’t know about at an unrelated press conference) was in October, when Mitch Hurwitz said the script was in the process of being written.  But now David Cross says — and again, this is during an interview with a cast member related to another project — that he doesn’t think it will happen.

“(I)t’s not going to happen,” Cross told me the other day when I spoke to him about his new stand-up special, ‘David Cross: Bigger and Blackerer,’ which premieres on the new cable channel Epix on Saturday (Friday night) at midnight ET.

“Way too much time it’s been (since the show ended),” he told me. “I mean, there’s so many people involved. Everyone’s doing their own thing, you know. And everybody’s aged. It’s just not going to happen. I’m sure I speak for everybody when I say we’d love for it to happen, we’d love to work on it, but just I don’t think… not going to happen.” [TV Squad]

Does this mean it won’t happen?  No.  But it’s true, they are aging.  Michael Cera and Maeby will probably have a nazi sex tape in the news by the time this thing comes out.  But there’s a simple solution: just make it a reboot and replace everyone with new actors, like Jaden Smith and Channing Tatum, right guys?  …Guys?

As a professional blogger, it’s hard to explain to normal people why reporting on Arrested Development news is so tiresome.  It’s not because I didn’t like the show — it’d be easy to hate on the fanatical fan base if it were a bad show, but it’s great — it’s just that these rumors have been going around for the better part of three years now, and at this point, I’d just as soon wait till the movie’s in the can to start talking about it.  But hey, sometimes we all do things we don’t want to for the money, otherwise truckers couldn’t lick whipped cream off your sister.  To the block quote!

Speaking at the press junket for When in Rome, Will Arnett confirmed that an Arrested Development feature film should go into production sometime this year.
“I’m so glad you asked that,” joked Arnett, who has been questioned about the series’ fate since it went off the air in 2006. “It’s very refreshing. We are working on the movie right now, yeah… We don’t have a completed script yet, but it’s forthcoming and we’re going to make the movie this year.”
When asked if he thought the cameras would actually roll before year’s end, Arnett seemed resolute.  “That’s the plan,” said the actor in earnest, before deadpanning, “We’re hoping once Jason Bateman gets out of rehab. I think that we’re going to start shooting.” [ComingSoon]

So there you have it!  Sandwiched between sarcasm and fantasy was the earnest pronouncement that an actor not involved in the writing or production says it’s going to shoot this year!  PLEASE HOLD THE FOOTBALL SO THAT I MIGHT KICK THE F*CK OUT OF IT!