Ever since the last episode of Arrested Development aired in 2006, we’ve heard rumors galore about a movie based on the hilarious poorly marketed Fox series. The speculation became increasingly frustrating over the last two years, as some cast members claimed it was happening while others (*cough* Michael Cera *cough*) reportedly wanted nothing to do with reviving the Bluth family.

Then in October, our nerd boners became fully engorged when the show’s creator, Mitch Hurwitz, told people at the New Yorker Festival that there would be another season of 10 episodes, finally culminating in the Arrested Development film. And we believed him because he was sitting with the entire cast when he said it.

But because we’ve grown weary of these rumors and letdowns, we need constant reassurance. Thankfully, writer Dean Lorey understands that and updated his blog accordingly over the weekend.

We’re really doing this thing. Mitch Hurwitz, Jim Vallely and I are off writing the new season of ARRESTED to premiere on Netflix in 2013. The original cast is back. There are offices and parking spaces. We’re shooting this year. I wish I could give more specifics but, for the moment, even the schedule is being kept under wraps. But it’s happening and it’s great to be back with my pals from the show.

This is the main reason why I didn’t cancel my Netflix account when all that new billing nonsense went down last year. Oh I wanted to raise a hell storm to voice my disapproval, but then I thought that maybe it was all a trick, and as soon as I went to close the mailbox on my last DVD return, J. Walter Weatherman would reach his arm in and it would be sliced off.

And only then would I learn that’s why you don’t cancel a DVD mailing subscription service.

When the New Yorker’s Twitter account announced that the cast of Arrested Development would be reuniting for 9 to 10 new episodes followed by a movie, I thought it was either the movie blogging equivalent of “MAN LANDS ON MOON” or the most epic troll job in New Yorker history†. After all the times they’ve already convinced us to kick the football, I’m still not sure I believe it, but all signs point to it being real. The short version is that they’re planning nine to ten “where are they now”-style episodes, with Showtime and Netflix negotiating to air them next fall, as a precursor to a film (which still doesn’t have studio backing, as of yet).

Here’s the long version, from Entertainment Weekly:

EW has confirmed that the producers of Arrested Development is in talks [sic] with Showtime and Netflix about airing a limited number of original episodes that will update fans on the Bluth clan.

Hurwitz told attendees at the New Yorker Festival Sunday in New York that he wanted to shoot nine to 10 episodes that would air next fall and catch audiences up on the characters’ lives since the series ended in 2006 on Fox. The episodes would be produced by 20th Century Fox TV, which was responsible for the original single camera series.

Hurwitz’ hope is that the limited series would serve as a walk-up to his long-gestating movie. “I have been working on the screenplay for a long time and found that as time went by there was so much more to the story,” he said at the festival, which was also attended by Development stars Bateman, De Rossi, and Cera, as well as David Cross, Will Arnett, Jeffrey Tambor, Jessica Walter, Tony Hale, and Alia Shawkat. Ron Howard, one of the comedy’s producers, even participated via speakerphone. “In fact, where everyone’s been for five years became a big part of the story. So, in working on the screenplay I found that even if I just gave five minutes per character to that backstory, we were halfway through the movie before the characters got together. And that kinda gave birth to this thing we’ve not been pursuing for a while and we’re kinda going public with it a little bit. We’re trying to do kind of limited run series into the movie.”

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Has this story been reported before?  There’ve been so many Arrested Development movie stories that I can’t remember.  January through March is always a hot time for AD rumors because it’s either that or writing about movies like Season of the Witch (opening today!).  Nic Cage doesn’t even look excited about that one and it’s about witches.  Anyway, the latest on the AD movie is that ol’ Gingerbeard says it’s still happening, but it won’t be his red pubes in the director’s chair. (Too vulgar?)

While in Chicago promoting his new comedy, The Dilemma, director Ron Howard spoke exclusively with ComingSoon.net and teased a small update on the long-anticipated Arrested Development feature film.

“I won’t be directing the ‘Arrested Development’ movie, but Mitch Hurwitz is determined,” he said, “I know we’ve been saying this for awhile, but I’d be really surprised if we didn’t have an ‘Arrested Development’ movie sooner rather than later.” [comingsoon]

Hooray!  Sooner is certainly preferable to later!   Anyway, I’m not super excited about this project because it’d be nearly impossible for it to be anything but a huge letdown at this point, but if it does happen, I’d rather the director not be the guy currently directing an Allan Loeb script about gay cars starring Kevin James.  Hey, maybe they could hire the Photoshop wizard behind the poster:

Look at Kevin James’ forehead, smooth as a baby’s nutsack!  And how they Photoshopped the ice cream cone out of Vince Vaughn’s mouth I’ll never know…

I used four question marks in that headline to indicate that blogs have been using speculative, Arrested-Development-movie stories to build their traffic for three years now, and today’s non-news is no different.  (Last we heard, the script was half written. It might happen, it might not.)  But as my father always said, why let some other pantless assh*le in his mom’s basement steal money that could be yours?

Hold the football for me, MTV:

Bateman said he plans to rope Aniston into the “Arrested Development” flick.
“Yeah, actually, there’s a real good part for her in the ‘Arrested Development’ movie,” Bateman told MTV News on Saturday (August 7). Aniston and Bateman have been spending a lot of time together as co-stars in both “The Switch,” a rom-com about a sperm donor mix-up, and the upcoming flick, “Horrible Bosses.”
“There’s no offers on this one. She’s gonna have to sing for her supper,” Bateman said. “I don’t know, we’ll see if she’s available. She’s busy. She’s pretty famous; I don’t know if you’ve heard of her. She’s pretty backed up. Hopefully the guy who’s in charge will like her for that part because I’m going to suggest her.”

I feel bad for reporting such non-news (which Bateman already admitted was just him thinking aloud), which is why I included the trailer for Bateman/Aniston’s The Switch, formerly The Baster.  You’d never guess this script was based on a Jeffrey Eugenides short story and once upon a time made The Black List. At this point I can only assume that the development process just means adding lots of clichés.  Will the platonic best friends finally decide they love each other??  Will the precocious child act hilariously adult-like?? Will glib friends offer sage advice??  Only time will tell!  My favorite part is when Jason Bateman looks down at his wiener in order to communicate that he has an idea, and that the idea involves his wiener.  We never would’ve picked up on that otherwise.

[Trailer also available in non-embeddable form over at Apple]

It's a little known fact that Lobster Dog is also a Never Nude.

The only people who love Arrested Development more than twenty and thirty-something college types are webmasters, who’ve been milking the non-news of a possible Arrested Development movie for traffic for going on three years now.  It’s hard to milk something that long, but we bloggers are known as much for our strong wrists as our misshapen skulls.  The last we heard from anyone who might know (i.e., not a cast member speculating on the part of the production they wouldn’t know about at an unrelated press conference) was in October, when Mitch Hurwitz said the script was in the process of being written.  But now David Cross says — and again, this is during an interview with a cast member related to another project — that he doesn’t think it will happen.

“(I)t’s not going to happen,” Cross told me the other day when I spoke to him about his new stand-up special, ‘David Cross: Bigger and Blackerer,’ which premieres on the new cable channel Epix on Saturday (Friday night) at midnight ET.

“Way too much time it’s been (since the show ended),” he told me. “I mean, there’s so many people involved. Everyone’s doing their own thing, you know. And everybody’s aged. It’s just not going to happen. I’m sure I speak for everybody when I say we’d love for it to happen, we’d love to work on it, but just I don’t think… not going to happen.” [TV Squad]

Does this mean it won’t happen?  No.  But it’s true, they are aging.  Michael Cera and Maeby will probably have a nazi sex tape in the news by the time this thing comes out.  But there’s a simple solution: just make it a reboot and replace everyone with new actors, like Jaden Smith and Channing Tatum, right guys?  …Guys?