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I don’t know how to feel about this story. We’re starting with a “mainstream reboot of Toxic Avenger,” so the weirdness level is already at a 10 before we even get to the part where Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to star. Does having Arnold in it make it more weird or less? I have no idea.

Obviously, he’s not going to play the 98-pound lead, Melvin, but I’m not sure who that leaves. Perhaps Hans, the burly, mulatto-ass loving shopkeep.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is in talks to star in the new “Toxic Avenger,” but he’s no Toxie. He’s in negotiations for another lead role in the reimagining of the 1980s cult pic.
International Film Trust, the sales outfit launched last week by Benaroya Pictures and Miscellaneous Entertainment, is pitching  Steve Pink’s reboot of the campy 1984 action comedy in the run-up to Cannes. New project has been described as an action adventure geared toward mainstream auds. Schwarzengegger is talks with the producers to star.  “Hot Tub Time Machine” helmer Pink and Daniel C. Mitchell penned the script.
Troma Entertainment’s Michael Herz and Lloyd Kaufman directed the original 1984 pic, which initially flopped before gaining cult popularity through midnight screenings. “Avenger” went on to spawn three sequels, a musical and a cartoon.
Story centers around Melvin Ferd III, a 98-pound weakling who gets transformed into a superhuman crime-fighting creature after falling into a vat of toxic waste. |Variety|

I don’t… I just… …what? 90 percent of Toxic Avenger‘s appeal is that it’s so non-mainstream and wrong. If you make it “geared towards mainstream auds,” what does that leave? The mop?

“Hey, I have an idea! Let’s do Fast & Furious, but with an all-dog cast and no cars!”

“Great idea! Waiter, fetch us more cocaine!”
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Eclectic Method, Arnold BEAT! A song made entirely out of snippets of Arnold dialog |AV Club|

Morning Links
‘White Girl Wasted’ Bike Thief Wins The Internet With Best Apology Ever |UPROXX|

DIY Network Is Making A Show Called ‘Vanilla Ice Goes Amish’ |Warming Glow|

Correction: Michael Bay did not apologize for Armageddon, because Michael Bay does not apologize. |Film Drunk|

Kevin Durant Is Tired Of Being No. 2 On The New Cover Of Sports Illustrated |With Leather|

Why Remaking ‘The Crow’ Might Just Work |Gamma Squad|

5 Songs For A Spring Playlist |Smoking Section|

‘Game of Thrones’ Creator Is Not Pleased With The Darrelle Revis Trade |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Ten Years in the Digital Ether |Grantland|

Beyonce Only Wants You To See Beyonce Approved Beyonce Pictures |The Superficial|

6 Emotions Invented by the Internet |Cracked|

Third Grader’s Hilariously Honest Response To Earth Day |HuffPost Comedy|

8 Dark Theories About Children’s Movies and TV Shows |College Humor|

Fall Out Boy guitarist Joe Trohman on why he hates “Mambo No. 5” |AV Club|

Take a tour on Pablo Escobar’s abandoned Safari Park |The Chive|

20 Facts You Might Not Know About Cameron Crowe’s Almost Famous |Pajiba|

The Tallest Ridable Bicycle in the World |Clip Nation|

Cosplay of the Day: The Punisher Twins |Unreality|

Fox News Reporter Mike Tobin Stiff-Arms Two Girls Trying to Kiss Him Mid-Report |Brobible|

Disney Rotoscoping |High Definite|

Matthew McConaughey IS Mr. Cool Suit |Video Gum|

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Here at FilmDrunk HQ (which is like giant ball pit filled with kitty cats and whiskey), we’re big fans of Australian morning TV host Karl Stefanovic. Karl is a comedic genius. Some of his greatest hits include telling a pizza joke to a confused Dalai Lama (“d’ya knoy what oy mean?”), doing a spot-on impression of Miley Cyrus’s awful voice (“heow annoying wid she be ta live with, seriouslay”), playing a Wii curling game that looked a loooot like masturbating, and doing a segment with a guy casting a fishing line ostensibly to catch sharks, who ended up hooking a duck instead. Karl has taken the inherent awkwardness of the fluff morning show format and elevated to a level of, dare I say, art. He’s just one more reason the land of convicts and gravy is a great place to live, in addition to all the drinking.

The other day, Karl interviewed Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I use the term “interview” loosely, because he basically just shouted as many of his favorite Arnold quotes at Arnold as he could, which seems like exactly what any FilmDrunkard would do in that situation. And it was awesome, because there’s nothing Arnold loves as much as talking about Arnold. He takes such pride in lines from his movies you’d think they were quips he came up with himself on the spot, and I’m not convinced he doesn’t actually think that. It’s beautiful to watch.

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The upside of being a pornographer is that you can pull any cheap publicity stunt without worrying that it’s going to ruin your brand. Actually, does anyone worry about that anymore? I digress, but so it is that YouPorn is publicly offering $150,000 for the photo purportedly depicting a vintage Schwarzenegger sex act that was discovered in an abandoned storage locker once owned by Bob Guccione this week. I absolutely love typing that sentence, by the way. “Abandoned storage locker once owned by Bob Guccione” is an eight-word Raymond Chandler novel.

Via, who else, TMZ:

A photo of Arnold Schwarzenegger caught stark naked in the throes of passion is worth roughly $150,000 — AT LEAST — so says a really popular porn site … and it wants to buy the pic RIGHT NOW sight unseen.
TMZ broke the story … a financial entrepreneur named Jeremy Frommer purchased storage lockers once owned by deceased Penthouse founder Bob Guccione — and found a treasure trove of historic erotica, including unpublished nude photos of Madonna, Lauren Hutton, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Now, YouPorn.com wants to acquire the pics — in order to publish them online — and has already sent Frommer a letter, offering $150,000 for the whole lot.
YouPorn is specifically interested in the Schwarzenegger pic, which reportedly shows the former Mr. Universe nude in the act. YouPorn writes, “Let’s face it. The real value here is in Schwarzenegger’s ‘Schwanz.’” And you don’t need a translation to know what that means.

If the real value is little Arnold Schwanzenegger, I have a Google Image search that may interest you. This picture (NSFW) is real, right? I can’t find anything to say whether it is or isn’t, but YouPorn should probably pay me $100 grand just in case. I’ll even throw in this vintage picture of Burnsy and me relaxing between posts at Uproxx headquarters:

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“And heah I am wit my new Ben & Jerry’s flavah, ‘Bike Chains and Skulls.’”

According to a breathless story just reported by TMZ, an old photograph of a young Arnold Schwarzenegger “performing a sex act” has been discovered in an abandoned storage locker once owned by Bob Guccione^†. Jesus, I hope the first responders went in there with hazmat suits, I bet that whole place reeked of rotting cigarettes, fermented amyl poppers, and Janice Dickinson. I’d be surprised if there wasn’t at least one baby elephant skeleton wearing a ball gag.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been thrust into a very belated sex scandal … because there are reports that an old photo of a “young Arnold” performing a sex act has come to light.

I like that “young Arnold” is the part of that sentence they chose to put quotes around.

The photo is reportedly part of a treasure trove of artifacts that have been discovered in a storage space owned by late Penthouse founder Bob Guccione.
According to the New York Post, the Arnold pic — along with a bunch of other VEERRRY interesting items — were discovered by a guy who went all “Storage Wars” and bought up a bunch of the lockers after Guccione went bankrupt.
Among the treasures … unpublished nude pics of Madonna and Lauren Hutton … and Bob’s personal files detailing the situation surrounding his decision to publish pics of then-Miss America Vanessa Williams.
It’s unclear if the new owner plans to release the Arnold pic.

Oh no! This could change everything! After making a Brazilian reporter fellate a carrot, expressing his love for mulatto ass, telling the world that he felt like he was always cumming, being accused of “groping and humiliating six different women,” and fathering a child out of wedlock with his maid while he was married to American royalty, the last thing Arnold Schwarzenegger needs is evidence that he was sexually promiscuous 30 years ago! It could ruin his reputation!

I kid, of course. No one on Earth is more capable of getting away with absolutely anything than Arnold Schwarzenegger. He could be blowing three dudes in the picture, and, short of them being kids or family members, he could just say “It vas da sevendeez,” and people would go “Yay, Arnold!” and buy him another giant car. Let’s not forget, Arnold posed nude for a gay guy famous for shoving a bullwhip up his ass and we still elected him governor. If I was Arnold, I’d spend every day robbing banks and driving cars off cliffs like Groundhog Day just to see if I was truly invincible.

[banner pic via Imgur]

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