Intrepid MMA reporter and my best Twitter pal Ariel Helwani had the chance to interview Steven Seagal yesterday, and as always, the old poonani-loving, Nobel Prize-deserving, sleeveless kimono-wearing, front-kicking, chicken killer did not disappoint (I meant Seagal there, in case that was unclear). First, he made sure to point out that welterweight champion Georges St. Pierre is good, but not great, which I’m sure has nothing to do with the fact that GSP’s action movie star to humor du jour is Van Damme, while Seagal himself has long been humored by middleweight champ Anderson Silva, who may fight GSP at some point in the nearish future, in the MMA equivalent of Pacquiao-Mayweather. (With Van Damme and Seagal in their respective corners to help stretch their groins and execute proper karate kicks, I’m sure).

“I think [GSP] is a really nice guy,” said Seagal. “I think he is a good fighter and a good martial artist. Would I call him great? No.
“One of the things that a master looks at when they look at a fighter is the history of the fighter. When you look at the history of the fighter, you look at their very best fights, their best work, and their worst. If you look at Anderson’s worst fights, they’re not bad. He still looks pretty good.”
“If you look at GSP’s worst fight, you look at the thing he did with Shields in Canada, that was atrocious. I think that is very telling. I just didn’t think the technique and the fighting skill was there in that instance. I also saw him after the fight and he wasn’t looking or feeling very well either, which does have some meaning. I think he got hurt in that fight and whether he dominated him or not, I just didn’t think he looked good.”

Silva had two atrocious fights against Thales Leites and Demian Maia, and almost got wrestle-f*cked to a decision against Sonnen, so that’s just stupid. But as crappy as Seagal’s logic is, I wouldn’t argue that GSP is on the same level as Silva either. Also, I’ve buried the lede: Seagal also says he’s willing to fight retired former light-heavy and heavyweight champ (and budding action star) Randy Couture “any time, any place.” Oh pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease, Dana White make this happen, this would be the best Christmas present EVER:

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Apologies if you’ve seen this one before, but I hadn’t before today and I needed a lead-in for a mini-Seagal story. As you may have already gleaned from our

This is the Steven Seagal Movie Generator. Above is a randomly generated Steven Seagal film, along with its poster. Just press reload to generate yourself a new film.
The titles and plots are randomly assembled from the titles and plots of actual Steven Seagal films. Don’t believe me? Just look at Seagal’s Filmography.
Yep. It’s really that simplistic. And if you see a plot point that makes you say “There’s no way that was in the movie,” guess-a-freakin’-gain. All plot points have been taken from actual Seagal films.

My first try yielded “Shadows on the Wounds.”

Steven Seagal is a retired Navy Seal Ninja Chef who needs to stop a corrupt Oil Company Executive (played by Brian Cox ) from selling drugs to kids.
Seagal is joined by a LAPD Detective (played by Shawn Lawrence ). With the odds against them, can they prevent Brian Cox from fleeing the country?

Man, Brian Cox should be in everything. Try it for yourself. Meanwhile, in more newsy news, it seems that every MMA fighter now wants to fight Seagal, apparently undaunted by the fact that Steven Seagal invented the front kick.

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What, you didn't know they made sleeveless kimonos? Steven Seagal knows a guy.

The story of martial arts legend Judo Gene Lebell supposedly choking Steven Seagal until he pooped himself (until Seagal pooped, that is) has been around almost as long as I’ve been alive, and has been covered twice before (here and here) on this very site, most recently when Judo Gene told the story himself. Depending on who you ask, it goes something like this: Seagal had supposedly been bragging about a surefire defense from a choke hold when he and Jude Gene were working together on a movie. Judo Gene tested him on it and it didn’t work out so well (for Seagal, or any bystanders with nostrils). However, Seagal recently spoke with our pal Ariel Helwani on the MMA Hour, and in between cryptic allusions to all the special techniques he’s been teaching Anderson Silva, the old poonani lover threw cold water on the old tale, saying the rumors of his defecation have been greatly exaggerated.

“I don’t even know if he is still alive. Is he still alive? I never knew this about him – either he is a pathological liar or he had somebody making up these stories. He came over to my trailer and I was with a guy called Conrad Palmisano who is still a legend, one of the greatest stunt co-ordinators in the history of Hollywood.

“[LeBell and I] were standing there talking about moves and stuff like that and we were just doing some stretching and he was showing me how you can stretch … he wanted to stretch my back and then I kind of flipped over the top of him and said ‘thank you for that.’

So I guess Judo Gene did a Judo throw on him? That’s how I interpreted that, but it’s hard to tell what the hell Steven Seagal is ever talking about.

“There was never any confrontation with him ever. In any way, shape or form. And I swear to god on my children – and they are the most precious thing in my life – if he is saying that he is a pathological scumbag liar. I keep answering that [question]. Either he made up this lie or someone made it up.

“When I first heard it was dumbfounded and so was Conrad Palmisano, who you are welcome to talk to, he was standing right there. He’s probably the most famous stunt co-ordinator in our business and a Vietnam veteran, a great salt of the earth and an honest, upright non-lying man.

There are other people who back up Lebell’s version of the story too, but in the world of stuntmen and martial artists, pretty much everyone seems like a self-aggrandizing BS artist, so who knows.

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"Thunderbox one requesting back up, Thunderbox one requesting back up. I can't tell you where or when, but I'm Under Siege."

The story of martial arts legend Judo Gene Lebell choking Steven Seagal until he soiled himself is a tale nearly as famous as Richard Gere’s gerbils, Rod Stewart’s stomach pump, or Danny Thomas’s predilection for glass-bottom boats. The 79-year-old Lebell, who was cageside for judoka Ronda Rousey’s arm-snapping win over Miesha Tate last Saturday, was recently interviewed by Ariel Helwani on The MMA Hour, where the subject was again broached of Steven Seagal, who’s been known to get his leathery scent on MMA from time to time.

Basically, according to Lebell, when he choked Seagal (who, according to legend had claimed he couldn’t be choked out), Seagal pooped an entire steak dinner, which is probably not the unique physiological reaction he’s used to.

Well, if a guy soils himself, you can’t criticize him, because if they just had a nice big dinner an hour before, you might have a tendency to do that.

Aw, it’s cute that you’re being so coy, but come on, we’re talking about a guy with a ponytail crapping himself here.

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