Today is April Fool’s Day, a time of hilarious pranks, like that Improv Everywhere guy who got beat up dressed as Jar-Jar, only the video was staged, and I guess that was the improv, and… honestly, what was supposed to be funny about that?  That someone beat up Jar-Jar Binks?  “Oh man, that is classic!” said a guy from 2001. Improv is for assholes. Edit that sh*t and get back to me. Anyway, I’ve participated in the April Fool’s Day madness in the past (not trying to actually trick anyone, mind you), but today is Friday and I don’t feel like it, and it’s a dumb tradition anyway.

On that note, Landline TV’s latest video is right up my alley.  It’s their trailer for April Fool’s Day, a hellish, alternate-universe version of Groundhog Day, that imagines what it’d be like if the day the protagonist had to relive over and over was April 1st.  It’s awful.  You’d have to have a sick mind to even think of this.  Ugh, April 1st.  It’s the Bros Icing Bros of holidays.

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Tired of being the forgotten step-child of the snack food industry, Mac’s Pork Skins, hoping to reverse a decades-long trend of eroding market share for pork rinds, has announced a huge product placement deal with Warner Bros new action-adventure Clash of the Titans. The announcement comes on the eve of the 3D film’s release.  Said Mac’s new Chief Marketing Office, Seth Goldberg:

“Mac’s Pork Skins have long catered to the snacker who defies convention, says ‘damn the Gods’ of processed corn and wheat snacks, and opts instead for the classic taste of pork skin, the only snack that’s been enjoyed by snackers everywhere continuously since the time of the ancient Greeks.  I can’t eat them myself, for religious reasons, but if I did, I’d reach for Mac’s.  They’re the porkinest!”

Insiders say editors are hurriedly adding Mac’s Pork Skins to some key Clash scenes via CGI. In addition, Titans star Liam Neeson, who plays Zeus in the film, will appear in character in a few Mac’s spots set to air during the NCAA finals this weekend, in which he’ll loudly declare that we must “RELEASE THE CRACKLIN’S!”

Oh boy, another April Tools Day stunt.  This time, IGN spent enough money to finance a trip for two to Tahiti and a suitcase full of blow, on this trailer for The Legend of Zelda. Ha! And you probably thought it was real for five seconds!  Oh my God, bro, they just totally drank your milkshake and then served you and burned down your rec center!

When someone in Hollywood decides this is a great idea and greenlights it, I’m driving down to IGN and punching everyone there in the nuts. 

Benicio Del Toro has left the cast of Joe Johnston’s Wolf Man.  Early reports are calling it a scheduling conflict, saying the Usual Suspects actor needed more time to smoke Camels and practice squinting.   Reached for comment, Del Toro took a long drag of his cigarette and slowly exhaled through his nose while nodding sagely.  Sources aren’t quite sure what the gesture indicated, but called it, "Very cinematic."

Replacing Del Toro in the film will be [Snarl] Busey, fathered by Gary Busey during an affair with a coyote six years ago during a trip to New Mexico.  This will be the first feature film for [Snarl], who last week turned 24 in dog-human hybrid years, and celebrated by lapping cocktails at Club LAX all night with pal Ashton Kutcher.

Playing the Wolf Man’s sister?  You guessed it, Lisa Rinna. 

OMG – did you hear Christian Bale and Brandon Routh have both signed on for Justice League??

Jason Seigel will be making a 3D Superman vs. Spider-man movie to the big screen in 2012, directed by Bryan Singer and Sam Raimi and starring Jake Gyllenhaal and a computer generated Christopher Reeve??

Jake Gyllenhaal will be replacing Tobey Maguire in the next Spiderman movie??

Harrison Ford will return as Han Solo??? 

OMFG, but wait, it’s April Fool’s Day!  Which one of these half-assed mundane rumors should I believe?? What’s real! What’s fake!  AAAAAARRRGGHHH!  My life is spiralling into ambiguity!